chapter fourteen

Chapter Fourteen :Jay pov

I woke up at 5am to the sound of rain hitting my window.

The sky was gray. The streets were wet. My apartment was cold. I pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders and stared at the ceiling.

I'd been doing that a lot lately. Staring at ceilings. Thinking about things I couldn't change.

My phone buzzed. Cole.

You awake?

Yeah, I replied. Can't sleep either.

Rain woke me up.

Same.

Can I come over?

I looked around my apartment. Dishes in the sink. Laundry on the floor. Bed unmade.

It's a mess, I typed.

I don't care.

I do.

Jay.

Yeah.

Let me in.

I stared at the screen for a long time. Then I typed: Okay. Give me twenty minutes.

I jumped out of bed. Threw the laundry in the closet. Did the dishes. Made the bed. Lit a candle. The same vanilla one from before.

By the time Cole knocked, my apartment looked almost presentable.

I opened the door.

He was standing there in a hoodie and sweatpants. His hair was wet. His eyes were tired.

"You walked in the rain?" I asked.

"I drove. Then walked from the car."

"You could have called."

"I wanted to see you."

I stepped aside. Let him in.

Cole looked around. At the clean kitchen. The made bed. The candle flickering.

"You cleaned," he said.

"I had twenty minutes."

He almost smiled. "It looks nice."

"It looks like I'm trying too hard."

"Maybe. But it's still nice."

I sat on the edge of my bed. He sat next to me. Not close. Not far. Just there.

"How are you holding up?" he asked.

"The same as yesterday. And the day before."

"That bad?"

"That honest."

Cole nodded. "I talked to Liam yesterday. After practice."

"What did he say?"

"He said I looked better. Like I actually wanted to be there."

"Do you?"

"Want to be there?"

"Yeah."

Cole thought about it. "I want to want to be there. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah. It makes sense."

We sat in silence for a minute. The rain tapped against the window. The candle flickered.

"Maya texted me again," I said.

Cole turned to look at me. "What did she say?"

"She said she's not angry anymore. Just tired."

"Tired of what?"

"Tired of being sad. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of us."

Cole's face fell. "She said that?"

"She said she's tired of us. Not of you. Not of me. Of the situation."

"That's not better."

"I know."

I leaned back on my bed. Stared at the ceiling again. Cole lay down next to me.

"What do you think she'll do?" he asked.

"I don't know. Give us another chance? Walk away? I can't predict her anymore."

"She's hurting."

"I know."

"We're hurting her."

"I know."

Cole turned his head to look at me. "Are we doing the right thing? Staying together?"

I turned to look back at him. His gray eyes. His tired face. His messy hair.

"I don't know," I said. "But I know I can't lose you."

"You won't."

"You don't know that."

"I know."

"How?"

Cole reached over. Took my hand. "Because I won't let it happen."

We lay there. Holding hands. Listening to the rain.

I had to be at work at 10am.

Cole left at 8:30. He kissed my forehead before he walked out. Soft. Quick.

"I'll see you later," he said.

"Where?"

"The rink. Same time."

"Okay."

He left. I lay in bed for another hour. Staring at the ceiling. Thinking.

When I finally got up, the rain had stopped. The sky was still gray. The streets were still wet.

I walked to work. The coffee shop was busy. Sarah was already behind the counter, steaming milk, pouring drinks.

"You're late," she said.

"I'm on time."

"You're never on time. You're always early."

I tied my apron. Grabbed a rag. Started wiping down the counter.

"Did you sleep?" Sarah asked.

"Not really."

"Cole?"

"Yeah."

She nodded. Didn't push.

The morning rush came and went. I made lattes and cappuccinos and americanos. I smiled at customers. I pretended to be fine.

Around noon, the door opened. I looked up.

Maya.

My heart stopped.

She walked in. Alone. No Sarah. No Cole. Just her.

She looked different. Thinner. Paler. Her eyes were tired. But she was here.

"Can we talk?" she asked.

I looked at Sarah. Sarah nodded. "I've got the counter. Take your time."

I untied my apron. Walked around the counter. Maya was standing by the door.

"Outside," she said. "Not here."

We walked to the park across the street. The same park where Cole and I had sat. The same bench. The same view.

Maya sat down. I sat next to her.

"I'm not going to yell," she said.

"I know."

"I'm not going to cry."

"Okay."

"I just want to understand."

"Understand what?"

"How you went from loving me to loving him."

I looked at her. Really looked at her. She wasn't angry. She wasn't sad. She was just... empty.

"I never stopped loving you," I said.

"Then how?"

"It wasn't one thing. It was a lot of little things. The way he looked at me. The way he didn't back down when I pushed. The way he saw me. Really saw me. Not the guy who works two jobs. Not the guy who doesn't have money. Just me."

"That's not an answer."

"It's the only one I have."

Maya looked at the sky. The clouds were breaking. Patches of blue.

"Did you ever love me?" she asked.

"Of course I did. I still do."

"Then how do you love both of us?"

I thought about it. Really thought about it.

"I don't know," I said. "I wish I could explain it. I wish I could make it make sense. But I can't."

"Try."

"I think I was falling for him before I even admitted it to myself. I thought it was jealousy. I thought it was because he was rude to me. But it wasn't. It was because I couldn't stop thinking about him."

"And what about me?"

"I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. I thought if I just loved you harder, I wouldn't want him. But it didn't work."

"So you just gave up?"

"No. I didn't give up. I just... stopped pretending."

Maya wiped her eyes. "That's not better."

"I know."

"You broke my heart."

"I know."

"And you broke my trust."

"I know."

"And you expect me to just forgive you?"

"No." I looked at her. "I don't expect anything. I don't deserve anything. That's why I didn't call. That's why I didn't show up at your door. Because you asked me not to. And I've already taken enough from you."

Maya didn't say anything for a long time.

Then she said, "Do you regret it?"

"Which part?"

"Any of it. All of it."

I took a breath. "I regret hurting you. I regret lying to you. I regret that you found out the way you did."

"But you don't regret him."

It wasn't a question.

"No," I said quietly. "I don't regret him."

Maya nodded. Like she already knew.

"I should hate you," she said.

"You should."

"But I don't."

"Maya —"

"I don't hate you. I wish I did. It would be easier. But I don't."

I didn't know what to say.

Maya stood up. "I'm not saying I forgive you. I'm not there yet. But I don't want to hate you. I don't want to hate Cole. I'm tired of being angry."

"Then what do you want?"

"I want to feel like myself again. I want to wake up and not feel like someone died. I want to go to class and not pretend I'm okay when I'm not."

"Then let me help."

"How?"

"I don't know. Just... tell me what you need."

Maya looked at me. "I need you to be honest with me. From now on. No more lies. No more hiding."

"I can do that."

"I need you to give me space when I ask for it."

"I can do that too."

"And I need you to stop apologizing for things you're not sorry for."

I almost smiled. "That one's harder."

"I know."

Maya turned to walk away. Then she stopped.

"Jay."

"Yeah."

"Thank you for not lying anymore."

She walked back to the coffee shop. I sat on the bench for a long time. Watching her go.

After work, I went to the rink.

Cole was already there. Sitting in the same row. The same seats.

"She came to see me today," I said.

Cole's head turned. "Maya?"

"Yeah."

"What did she want?"

"To understand. To talk. To not be angry anymore."

"Is she?"

"Not angry. Just tired."

Cole nodded. "That's what she said to me too."

We sat in silence. The ice was empty. The lights were dim.

"Are we doing the right thing?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Me neither."

"But I know I love you."

I looked at him. "I love you too."

Cole reached over. Took my hand.

"We'll figure it out," he said.

"You think?"

"I know."

I wanted to believe him.