chapter nine

Chapter Nine :Jay pov

I couldn't sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Maya's face. The way she looked at me when she said "I don't hate you. But I can't look at you right now." The way her voice cracked. The way her hands shook.

I'd been lying in bed for three hours. Staring at the ceiling. Listening to the rain hit my window. The same rain that had soaked me through when I showed up at Cole's door.

That felt like a lifetime ago. It was only last night.

I reached for my phone. 2:47am.

No messages.

I put the phone down. Picked it up again. Opened Maya's thread. The last message was still mine: I don't hate you. But I can't look at you right now. Please respect that.

I wanted to text her. I wanted to call her. I wanted to drive to her apartment and beg her to forgive me.

But I couldn't. Because she asked me not to. And I'd already broken enough promises.

I put the phone down.

Sleep didn't come.

Morning came anyway. It always does.

I dragged myself out of bed. Made coffee. Burnt my tongue. Didn't care.

Sarah texted me: You coming in today?

Yeah, I replied. Be there at 10.

You look like crap. I can cover for you if you need.

I'm fine.

Liar.

I almost smiled. Almost.

I got dressed. Same hoodie. Same jeans. Same everything. Nothing had changed. Nothing would change.

The coffee shop was quiet when I got there. A few students studying in the corner. An old man reading a newspaper. Sarah behind the counter, wiping down the espresso machine.

She looked up when I walked in. Her eyes narrowed.

"You look like crap," she said.

"You already said that."

"I meant it more this time."

I tied my apron around my waist. Started grinding beans. Steaming milk. Doing the things I'd done a thousand times. The routine was comforting. The routine didn't judge me.

"Have you talked to her?" Sarah asked.

"No."

"Have you tried?"

"She asked me not to."

Sarah stopped wiping. Put her hand on her hip. "And you're just going to listen?"

"She's hurting. I'm not going to make it worse."

"By ignoring her?"

"By giving her space." I looked at Sarah. "I've already taken enough from her. I can at least give her that."

Sarah didn't say anything for a minute. Then she nodded. "Okay. But don't wait too long. Sometimes space just turns into distance."

I knew she was right. But I didn't know what else to do.

The morning rush came and went. I made lattes and cappuccinos and americanos. I smiled at customers. I pretended to be fine.

Around noon, a woman walked in. Older. Gray hair. Kind eyes. She ordered a tea and sat by the window. I didn't think anything of it at first.

Then she looked at me. Really looked at me.

"You're Jay, right?"

I froze. "Yeah."

"Maya's boyfriend?"

My stomach dropped. "I... we're not..."

She held up a hand. "I'm not here to yell at you. I'm her neighbor. Mrs. Patterson." She smiled. "She talks about you sometimes. Good things."

I didn't know what to say.

"She's not doing well," Mrs. Patterson said. "She doesn't leave her apartment much. Doesn't answer her door. I've been bringing her food. She eats about half of it."

Guilt crashed over me like a wave.

"Can I ask what happened?" Mrs. Patterson said.

"That's between me and her."

She nodded. "Fair enough." She stood up. Picked up her tea. "But for what it's worth, I've known Maya since she was a little girl. She's strong. Stronger than she looks. She'll be okay."

"I hope so."

Mrs. Patterson walked to the door. Paused. Looked back at me.

"So will you," she said. "Give it time."

Then she left.

I stood there behind the counter. Staring at the door. Sarah came up next to me.

"You okay?" she asked.

"No."

"Yeah. Me neither."

After my shift, I went for a walk.

I didn't have a destination. I just needed to move. To breathe. To not be inside my own head for five minutes.

The streets were wet from last night's rain. The sky was gray. The air smelled like wet pavement and coffee grounds. It smelled like home. It smelled like nothing.

I ended up at the rink. The public one. The one where Cole and I had sat in the stands, holding hands, pretending we had all the time in the world.

The doors were unlocked. I walked in.

The ice was empty. The lights were dim. The stands were quiet.

I climbed up to the same row. The same seats. The same spot where Cole had held my hand.

I sat there for a long time. Just staring at the ice. Thinking about everything. Thinking about nothing.

My phone buzzed.

Cole: You okay?

Me: Yeah. Just thinking.

Cole: About what?

Me: Everything.

Cole: Want company?

I looked at the empty rink. The quiet. The cold.

Yeah, I typed. Come to the rink. The public one.

On my way.

He showed up fifteen minutes later. His hair was messy. His eyes were tired. He looked like he hadn't slept either.

He climbed up the steps. Sat down next to me. Didn't say anything. Just sat there.

"Thanks for coming," I said.

"Always."

We sat in silence for a minute. The hum of the cooling system filled the space between us.

"I saw Maya's neighbor today," I said.

Cole turned to look at me. "What did she say?"

"She said Maya's not doing well. Doesn't leave her apartment. Doesn't answer her door."

Cole's jaw tightened. "I know. I've been trying. She won't see me."

"She won't see me either."

"I wrote her a letter."

"I know. She told me."

Cole looked surprised. "She told you?"

"She texted me. Said you wrote her a letter. Said it was good."

Cole let out a breath. "That's something."

"Yeah. It's something."

We sat there. Not touching. Not talking. Just being.

"I don't know how to fix this," I said.

"Maybe we can't."

"Then what do we do?"

"We wait. We give her time. And when she's ready, we're there."

I nodded. "And what about us?"

"What about us?"

"Are we okay?"

Cole reached over. Took my hand. His fingers were warm.

"We're not okay," he said. "But we will be."

I wanted to believe him.

That night, I went home. Made dinner. Ate half of it. Stared at the wall.

Sarah texted me: You're not going to believe who came into the shop today.

Who?

Cole's teammate. Liam.

My heart skipped. What did he want?

Coffee. But he also asked about you.

What did you tell him?

That you're a mess. He said Cole's a mess too.

I stared at the screen.

He said something else, Sarah texted. He said Cole talks about you all the time. Even when he's not trying to. Liam said he's never seen Cole like this. Not with anyone.

What does that mean?

It means he loves you, idiot. Now stop moping and go to sleep.

I put the phone down.

For the first time in days, I fell asleep without crying.

The next morning, I woke up to a text from an unknown number.

Hey. This is Liam. Cole's friend. I hope it's okay that I got your number from Sarah. I wanted to talk to you.

I stared at the screen.

About what? I typed back.

About Cole. He's not doing well. He won't admit it. But he's not.

I know.

He needs you.

I'm here.

Then act like it.

The message stung. Because he was right.

I don't know how, I admitted.

Neither does he. That's why you need each other.

I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say.

But I thought about it all day. About Cole. About Maya. About the mess we'd made. About the mess we still had to clean up.

I thought about Mrs. Patterson. She'll be okay. So will you.

I thought about Sarah. Don't wait too long.

I thought about Liam. He needs you.

And I thought about Cole. Sitting in the rink. Holding my hand. Saying we will be like he believed it.

Maybe I needed to start believing it too.

---

I called Cole that night.

"Hey," he said. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay."

"You don't sound okay."

"I'm not. But I'm getting there."

Long pause. "Jay."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry. For all of this. For the mess. For hurting you. For hurting Maya."

"You don't have to apologize."

"I do. And I'm going to keep apologizing until it sticks."

I smiled. First time in days. "You're stubborn."

"So I've been told."

"I love you, Cole."

"I love you too."

We stayed on the phone for an hour. Talking about nothing. Talking about everything. Just listening to each other breathe.

When I hung up, I felt something I hadn't felt in weeks.

Hope.

It was small. It was fragile. But it was there.

And for now, that was enough.