Chapter 6

"OH, HERE WITH YOU, NEAR WITH YOU" 

[2019]

I never forgot that little moment.

That afternoon, Jano was glued to his laptop — whether he was working on a college assignment, just browsing, or whatever. The moment I walked into his room, he was typing furiously, eyes locked on the screen. Ever since college — hell, ever since high school — we hadn't hung out like we used to. We barely talked, let alone goofed around together. And I hated being ignored like that. He even forgot to wish me a happy birthday, let alone give me a gift, for my seventeenth.

Like always, I walked straight into his upstairs bedroom without knocking. This time I barged right up to his desk.

"What are you so busy with?" I asked, wedging myself behind him, even though his chair was clearly not made for two. So I was plastered to his back like a leech. I rested my chin on his left shoulder and peeked at the laptop screen that had stolen all his attention.

Jano jumped when he felt me against his back. His head snapped to the left, and our faces almost collided.

"Whoa?!" He didn't answer me. He blinked like he didn't even recognize me. For a few seconds we just froze, eyes locked, before he snapped out of it and turned back to his laptop.

I grinned at his reaction. My arms were still around his shoulders, leaning against his back. "Scared you? Sorry. You were just so serious."

And then I felt it shift. My chest pressed against his back, and I felt his whole body go stiff. What was wrong? Did Jano not want me in his room?

He was sitting bolt upright now, staring straight at the screen, one hand on his chin. From the side, I couldn't see his expression because he was facing forward.

He cleared his throat before answering. "Uh, yeah, um... just working on an assignment."

I smiled when I heard his voice. A voice I barely got to hear anymore.

"College sounds brutal. You spend all your time in front of that computer, buried at your desk lately," I said, trying to see what he was working on. But I had no clue. Something about rocks or whatever? Last I knew, Jano was majoring in mining engineering.

"Mmm." He just mumbled.

For a moment, there was this weird silence in the room. Which was strange. Because we usually could talk so easily, without trying. His hands stopped typing. I got up from the chair, walked over to his bed, and flopped down on it.

I grabbed one of the magazines near his pillow.

"Am I bothering you?" I asked, peeking over the magazine.

Jano didn't answer right away. I heard him exhale. So softly. Almost inaudible. But my ears are super sensitive to even the lowest sounds, so nothing escaped me.

"No, you're fine," Jano answered quietly, still looking at his laptop. Only now his head was slightly bowed, his hand running through his hair.

He hadn't looked at me since I came in, except for that moment when our noses almost bumped. Was my face that bad that Jano didn't even want to look at me?

"If it's okay, can I stay here then?" I asked again.

"Okay."

Okay? What kind of answer is that? That assignment must have invaded half his brain, so much that he couldn't even have a normal conversation. I came here on purpose because I wanted to see him. How long had it been since we'd seen each other? I missed Jano. Just looking at his face for a moment and hearing his voice was enough to satisfy that ache.

"How much longer till you graduate?"

"Hmm..." Jano rubbed his face. "Hopefully this year."

"You should've picked an easier major."

"Not really. I'm just dumb."

After that, I heard typing on his laptop keyboard again. I was still lounging on Jano's bed. I'd tossed the magazine onto the other pile. My hand now slipped under the pillow. And there it was. I found Jano's phone. I picked it up, scrolling through it. Phone book. Chat apps. Incoming call list. My eyes immediately caught one name at the very top. The same girl's name appeared over and over below it. Hmm. So because of this stuck-up girl, Jano has been ignoring me lately? He even forgot my seventeenth birthday!

"Who's Audi?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Jano turned around fast. "What are you doing?"

My eyes drank in that face I'd missed so much. Ah, Jano was still as handsome as ever. Even more handsome because his facial bones were sharper now that he was older. At twenty-three, his face had that mature edge, no longer cute like in high school. Only his hair at the back was a little too long. I gave him a sweet smile in response while waving his phone in my hand.

"Why are you going through my phone?" he asked, staring at me sharply. Since when did he get so mean to me?

"I'm just looking, that's all. Relaaax, I didn't open your W******p messages," I lied with a grin. I put Jano's phone back under the pillow. "Here, I'm putting it back."

Jano grumbled, his words not quite clear. He definitely didn't like me snooping through his phone but didn't dare to scold me directly. The sound of typing on his laptop keyboard was starting to make me sleepy. I opened the magazine again without interest. Nothing interesting. Finally I got up from the bed and walked back to Jano. The guy was already drowned in his work again. His fingers dancing over the keyboard. I bent down right beside him.

"Don't study too hard, okay? So hard you forget about your special little sister. You didn't even remember my last birthday. No wish, let alone a gift for me," I whispered in his ear. After speaking, I kissed his cheek softly. "Good luck with your assignment. And graduate soon."

"Tammy..."

I left Jano without looking back. I ignored his call. I just wanted Jano to know, I don't want to be ignored. He was the one who had the idea to be my brother, a promise on our two pinkies. Today I came to remind him that I still exist and I still breathe. For him.

••

That night Jano came over to our house. Even though I was over the moon inside, I acted indifferent. Let him feel what it's like to be ignored.

"Hey."

"Hmm." My attention stayed on the TV.

"Why is it so quiet. Where is everyone?"

"They went out. Mom's in her room. Wanna see her?" I glanced at Jano who was now sitting next to me.

Jano grinned. "Nah." His long legs stretched out in front of him. While both his hands were folded behind his head on the sofa backrest. I sat in one corner with the remote in my hand. Both my legs were folded under me, covered by the cushion.

"What are you watching?"

"Just random. But horror is still my fave."

"Any particular reason?"

From the corner of my eye I caught Jano's head turning to me. I shrugged. "Horror movies don't need pretty stars. As long as they can scream loud and look terrified."

Jano hummed. "Still stuck on that trash?"

We both knew what he meant by 'trash.'

"Why not?"

"You're not ugly, Tammy." Jano answered me in a patient tone. His face now turned to me.

I scoffed. "Oh, yeah? Can you explain why until now I've never had a boyfriend? Not a single guy wants to come near me, even just to borrow my books or whatever! No guy in my class even wants to be friends with me." After speaking, I challenged Jano with my eyes.

Jano didn't answer, but his hand reached out and pulled me. Now our bodies were close. My side touching his side.

"I'm near you right now. How's that?" His arm wrapped around me from the side.

I sneered and rolled my eyes at his words. "Yeah, right. You're my 'brother,' Jano." Even though I was annoyed, I rested my head on his shoulder comfortably. My legs now stretched out on the sofa. We both watched the movie until Dad, Rachel, and Lena came home one by one. They stopped by the sofa and made small talk with Jano for a bit before disappearing into their own rooms. Until a wide yawn escaped my lips, Jano moved from his seat.

"Sleepy? Go to your room. Don't expect me to carry you to your room like I used to, okay? You're way too big now."

I smirked. When I was little, if I fell asleep while playing at his house or on this chair after we played together, Jano used to carry me to my room.

"Night, Jano."

"Nite, Tammy. Sweet dreams."

Dream about you, of course. My lips smiled sweetly without realizing. "Definitely."

Just a few steps after Jano walked through the front door, he suddenly stopped and turned around.

"Hey, Tam?"

"Yeah?" I was still leaning against the door, looking at him with half-sleepy eyes.

"Next time you want to delete someone's phone number, don't forget to delete the chat history and the call logs too. Block the number. That's the only way to completely remove someone's number from your phone." After speaking, Jano turned around and continued his steps toward the gate connecting our houses.

My face felt hot. So Jano knew about my little stunt this afternoon.

"Aren't you forgetting something, Jano?" I asked while crossing my arms on the doorframe.

Jano canceled his steps again. Slowly he turned and looked at me through the dim garden light. "Forgetting something?" he asked, confused.

If looks could kill, Jano would have collapsed right then and there. All because of that damned Audi...

"This is the first time you've forgotten May twelfth. Do I need to remind you that..."

Before I could finish, Jano was already standing in front of me. His hands reached for both my cheeks. In an instant my face was caged in the warmth of his two palms.

"Sorry, Tammy. Forgive me, okay," he said softly in my ear before his soft kiss brushed the skin of my cheek. Right. Left. Forehead. My eyes closed as I absorbed the feeling of his lips touching my skin. Most of my anger vanished.

"Happy birthday, Tamara Isabella."

A smile spread across my lips. Before I could reply, as soon as my eyes opened, Jano had already crossed the fence and disappeared, swallowed by the night shadows and the lush plants. Leaving me alone. My cheeks still held the memory of what just happened, even though the cold night breeze was starting to chase away the warmth of the touch Jano left.

There was still a small part of annoyance lingering in my chest. I don't like that creature named Audi!

You might be able to hide behind your alibi named Audi, I mocked in my heart. But what happened this afternoon in your room, Jano? Was it because of hormonal changes that you suddenly got awkward around me? Hah!

I looked at my reflection in the bedroom mirror. My body had started to change, no longer flat and as thin as the blackboard in class. My body was almost like what I wanted, no longer straight and skinny like a junior high boy! My hips had curves, flaring out below my slim waist. My chest had filled out too. I was already taller than Rachel and Lena. Dad was right, I inherited genes from Grandma. Although considered a late bloomer, at seventeen, my body was finally starting to take shape, resembling a woman.

Hmm, THAT'S what happens when you focus too much, busy with your Audi, and don't care about me anymore, Jano. You didn't know that I'm now becoming a real woman, I thought with a satisfied smile.

Jano must have been so shocked this afternoon, when I snuck behind his chair and pressed my body against his back. Ha. Ha. Ha.

•••