Chapter 5

"Jealousy"

[2014]

The first time I ever felt jealous was when Jano was in a senior high school and started hanging around a girl. Maybe he was already dating. I caught him alone with her when I went over to his house to drop off food from my Mom for his family. Our families were that close — our moms loved swapping recipes and sending food back and forth.

As I passed the living room at Aunt Elly's — Jano's mom's house — through the open door, I saw two figures sitting close together on the chaise lounge. My feet stopped automatically by the doorway. I saw Jano leaning back holding a magazine, while the girl was draped all over him. Every now and then I heard her giggling. Her hands were busy too — sometimes pinching Jano's arm, sometimes stroking or looping around his shoulders and neck.

I quietly walked into the room, joining them uninvited. When she heard my footsteps, the girl next to Jano turned toward me. I caught a flash of confusion on her face. Especially when I walked up to the side of the sofa where Jano was sitting. Her already wide eyes got even wider for a few seconds at me.

My feelings were a mess watching how close they were. Almost half of that girl's body was pressed against Jano. My Jano!

The girl was pretty. She had everything I didn't have. Clear, smooth skin, thick, straight black hair that fell past her back, with bangs swept to one side of her forehead. I didn't like the sound of her laugh that I heard escape her lips several times. In the one minute I was in that room, I don't know how many times that giggle rang out. So flirty.

Wasn't Jano uncomfortable, or... scared of her? Because that laugh reminded me of the ghost horror movies Bari always watched. Besides, what were they even looking at in that magazine that made her giggle like that?

The girl whispered into Jano's ear, while her eyes flicked to me. Jano turned and smiled at me, then looked at her.

"You've never met Tammy? She's my little sister." Jano then waved me over. "Come here, Tam."

"I thought both your brothers were boys, Karel and Josh?" the girl asked, confused.

I had already moved to Jano's side without needing to be told twice. My hands gripped tightly the food container I brought, which now felt hot. The girl's eyebrows furrowed. She clearly didn't like the sudden interruption. What girl likes having her date crashed by a little kid?

"Oh, Tammy is my special little sister. Right, Tam?" Jano winked at me. "Tammy, this is Angela. She likes reading comics like you. She has a huge collection. You two would get along and could swap comics."

Get along? As if. Over my dead body. There's no way I could ever like that flirty girl whose laugh sounded exactly like a kuntilanak shrieking in the night!

I stayed glued to Jano's side, stubbornly stuck there like a piece of gum, until Angela finally couldn't stand it anymore and gave up.

"I'm bored. Let's go out, come on." Her hand then fixed her already perfect hair with a round brush she took from her bag.

"Where to?" Jano asked reluctantly. His eyes didn't move from the magazine he was reading.

"There's a big sale at PIM I want to check out. I've had my eyes on some really cool pants and a pair of sandals at one of the stores there," Angela said, tossing her hairbrush back into her bag with a little flick.

Jano didn't answer her right away. He took his time. After slowly flipping another page of his magazine, he finally said, "You should just go shopping with your friends instead. When you go into a clothing store you completely lose track of time, busy trying on this and that. Just wandering around aimlessly for hours."

Angela just stared at Jano, a little hurt. Her hands lifted to cup both her cheeks as she forced a sweet smile. "We could watch a movie, then? Or just get coffee. We can call the others to join us. Okay?" Whether she did it on purpose or not, after saying that, Angela shot a quick, sharp glance in my direction.

Ugh. Annoying. Why would Jano like a girl like this? Already so flirty, laughing like kuntilanak. The name Angela didn't suit her at all. It would be more fitting if her name was Demiii..tttt. [in Javanese demit is devil]

"Oh, what did you bring, Tam? Is that from your Mom, right?" Jano suddenly noticed my hands hugging the soup tureen so tight against my body, as if I was protecting it with my life.

An evil, brilliant idea flashed through my head instantly. "Yeah, my Mom made a lot of Rawon today, this one's specially for you guys," I said innocently.

After I said that, I slowly moved away from Jano. As I passed right by Angela, my hands moved fast, very fast. I deliberately tilted the container over her long, stretched-out, perfect legs. I pretended to trip over her feet. In a split second I saw the pure horror on her face, as the thick, black rawon soup spilled over the edge and splashed all over her thighs and her expensive-looking bag.

As I ran off to the back of the house to look for Aunt Elly, pretending to be scared, all you could hear was Angela's piercing, hysterical scream filling the entire room. The echo reached all the way to the back kitchen.

••

"Is she your girlfriend, Jano?" I asked when I was hanging out in his room. Trying to sound casual.

"Who?" Jano frowned even though his attention was busy on his book.

"That girl."

"Angela, you mean?"

"Mmm..." I just hummed, still so reluctant to even say the name of that flirty girl whose laugh sounded like a banshee.

Jano wasn't mad at all about what I did. He didn't even bring up the spilled rawon soup incident, not even once. Even though he had every right to be furious at me, or to just ignore me completely for being so evil. After all, I was just a nosy, judgy, jealous little kid.

"Is it because she's pretty, fair-skinned, has nice hair, that you like her?"

Jano smiled, a small, amused smile. He glanced at me from his desk.

"Maybe. So you think Angela is pretty?"

I scoffed. In my heart, though. My lips pouted hearing Jano's answer.

"When you're older, when you start to like or have a real crush on a guy, you'll know the answer yourself, Tammy," Jano said calmly, in that big-brother tone. "The person we like will always look charming and beautiful in our eyes, no matter what."

My head dropped hearing Jano's explanation. I was only twelve years old, of course my parents wouldn't allow me to be close to a boy yet. The problem is, what boy would want to be my boyfriend? No boy ever even looked at me! I didn't even have guy friends at all.

Jano turned when my lips went silent. "Why the pout? What's wrong?"

So, Jano loves that girl?! my heart screamed in frustration inside my chest.

"I will never date. I don't want to fall in love," I hissed while staring at him angrily with all the drama I had.

Jano's eyebrows shot up high and he looked at me, completely confused and surprised. "Huh, why not?"

I stared at Jano with an exasperated, tired expression. "You know exactly why."

"No. I have no idea, Tammy." Jano put his pen on the desk. His body now faced me and his full attention was on me.

I was still sulking at the edge of the bed. With my arms crossed I returned Jano's gaze and answered dramatically, "Because, Jano, no boy wants to be my boyfriend. No boy likes a girl like me. My skin is dull, my hair is a mess, my body is skinny like a blackboard. I am the ugly duckling lost among the beautiful swans in my family. Just like in that storybook! While my sisters Rachel and Lena will have handsome boyfriends and get married happily ever after, I'll have to stay alone at home, keeping Mom and Dad company until... until they're super, super old!"

I couldn't bring myself to say the words "until they die" about my own parents. I was too scared of sounding like I was cursing them.

Jano stared at me, his eyes wide open, completely taken aback. His hand then gently pulled me closer to him. "Oh my goodness, Tammy, who on earth said you're ugly? That is literally the dumbest, most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life."

I looked at Jano sadly. "I know it's true. Don't even try to deny it, Jano."

"You're right. It really is nonsense! Complete nonsense!" Jano said, sounding almost angry now. "Never, ever feel that way about yourself again. Remember this, Tammy, listen carefully to what I'm about to say. One day you will become a very charming, attractive, beautiful girl who will break many, many boys' hearts. You're different from Rachel and Lena, you have something special that they don't have. You're unique. You have so much character. And you're so funny."

Jano held both my cheeks with his big, warm palms. At that moment, deep down in the very bottom of my heart, I felt so incredibly, unbelievably happy with what Jano said and how he treated me. His hand then softly stroked my hair and tucked the loose strands that had escaped from my messy hair tie behind my ear. In that single second, I felt exactly like a real princess!

"If only that were true," I said softly, in a whisper. My eyes fluttered as I stared deep into Jano's pair of kind eyes. 

"Of course I'm right. I always trust my own eyes and my own instincts." Jano's lips curved into a warm smile.

I stared at Jano with sparkling, starry eyes. "Oh, what is it? What do your instincts say?"

Jano's smile turned into a grin. "That you, Tamara Isabella, are a special girl. The dream girl for guys, especially those who have a sincere heart."

Oh. My smile froze instantly on my face. The words "especially guys with a sincere heart" basically means the same thing as I'm not the kind of girl that every guy dreams of. Only the unattractive, not-so-popular guys with sincere hearts would want a girl like me.

"You're unique, Tammy. You really have to believe that. Okay?" he said.

I stayed completely quiet. How silly of me, and I am such a silly, stupid girl, that's something I only realized more and more as I grew bigger and older, to dare to hope that Jano would suddenly confess his hidden feelings and say that he actually liked me more than a sister. As long as there were lots of beautiful girls out there in the world like Angela, Rachel, and Lena, what on earth would he ever see in me? I was just a sixth grader with a sad, miserable appearance. Clearly Jano was just trying to make me feel better. Nothing more than that.

"Thanks, Jano. You're always so nice and good to me." I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. Jano returned my hug by gently patting and stroking my head. I still hated Angela so much. She was a thief who stole my Jano!

"But, Jano..." I whispered hesitantly.

"What is it?" Jano let go of his hug. His hands now held both my shoulders.

"I don't like her." I bit my lip nervously. 

"Why not?"

"You're going to be so busy with her, then you're going to completely forget about me. We won't be able to hang out and play together anymore."

Jano's expression turned very serious and sincere. "Don't you worry about that. Don't be scared. I will go with you wherever you want to hang out and play. We can work it all out. Everything can be arranged."

"Promise?" I asked, holding out my hope.

Jano nodded and smiled warmly. He held out his pinky towards me. I hooked my pinky with his. Our eyes met right above our linked, intertwined fingers.

What Jano said at that time was etched deeply into my heart and I will never forget it: that I am a special girl.

Am I really as unique and special as he said I was? I don't know. Who knows. If having frizzy curly hair, dull skin, a skinny and scrawny body, severe insecurity, and a super moody personality is what it means to be special, then I am indeed very, very special... in the worst way possible!

•••