I am lost in this kind of City

The sound of the rain on the tinted roof soothes me. I breathe in the smell of rain mixed with dry grass, It's the end of October and here in Imphal city, it rains for half of the month making it seem like a rainy season.

It's almost 8 pm and almost all the shops were closed. I debated on walking home by myself since It is only 20 minutes walk but the last time I came home alone mom scolded me saying it is not safe for a girl to walk alone. As a mom, she cares a lot and tended to exaggerate things. I am still in my 12 grade and my pre-selection is in one week. I could hardly stay at home because of my parents monitoring my every move.

Today is the last day of our tuition and here I am waiting for my dad who’d probably forgots to pick me up because he was busy persuading people to give him some more days to pay for their money.

It's funny how life turns out to be, three years ago, dad started his own business and was

growing successfully until his friend betrayed him. His stocks and shares were all gone in a blink of an eye and now a year later we are forced to live with a huge amount of debt. Dad became jobless and mom monthly salary as a teacher in a private school is never enough for the expenditure of our family. It's been hard for my parents trying to pay off our debt but little did they know it is a never-ending process. The interest keeps piling up and soon we are to starve.

Lost in thought, I haven't notice dad waiting for me in his grey bolero. He is typing away on his phone looking so furious. I only hope he doesn't take out his anger on me. I make my way towards his car and only when he heard footsteps did he looks up.

"Hi dad" I greeted him.

"Hi love," he said giving me a tight smile. I make my way towards the passenger side and put on a seatbelt before dad tells me to. I know not to talk because his mind is probably elsewhere. As my dad drives pass the familiar road my mind drifts to someone who has left my life for good. Liam, his name used to be my favourite word.

After 20 minutes of painful silence, we finally reach home. Saying thanks to my dad I run up my room ignoring my mother questioning look. I threw myself on the bed feeling too tired to change my clothes. Mom would probably call me for dinner but 10 minutes of sleep is good enough.

As I lay awake in my bed my mind slowly drifts to Liam.

We were only 8 years old that time and most of our front teeth were gone. Aunty Rebecca and my mom warns us not to eat sweets but Liam still bought for 10rs. He bribes me to keep quiet and I agree because I was scared he won't play with me anymore. It's always been that way since  I was young. Whatever Liam says I would do it because I was scared he would stop being friends with me.

Liam was always caring and cherished me like I am so precious.Still, he decided to leave me.

"Scarlet come down for dinner " mom hollered from the downstairs. I sign and stood up lazily eager to have some time alone. I’ never understand how my life turn out this way.Waking up, go to school, go for tuition, every day is monotonous and uneventful, but I stop caring a long time ago.

As I grow older I realised Life is unfair and I could never acquire who or what I desire.

It's difficult for me at the start.Dad losing his job, Liam leaving me but now I've accepted whatever life throws at my way. I know we just need a little endurance and to stop caring too much.

I trudged down the stairs and headed towards our kitchen and saw mom sitting in her chair waiting for me.

"Scarlet come sit down, why do you always  make me call you many times for dinner?"

"I was asleep, I didn't hear you," I said Sourly.

"Scarlet your pre-selection is in a month, yet, the moment you reach home you sleep, do you know all of your friends hardly have time to sleep studying their butt off. why can't you be like that?" Mom said chewing her food.

"Mom let me eat food first, you can tell me later"

"Later, later, now you don't want to listen to me. If you're not interested in your studies It's better you stop going school" mom says looking madder every time she opens her mouth. The rest of the dinner is mostly mom ranting about how my dad should find a new job and earns money and me wasting their money and stop studying.

'Home sweet home ' I know.

It is the last week of school and most of the syllabus is cover-up. As a 12th grader, our principal makes sure we pass the selection. We are busy the whole week doing practical and submitting our assignment.  Taking Science courses in 11 and  12th grade is difficult and most of us barely pass physics and math. My percentage could hardly afford to reach 75 plus.

I am in the library with my one of my classmate finishing our biology practical. I was never close with my classmate partly because I don't trust people. I knew if someone you know your whole life can leave you in a heartbeat why won't people you barely know stay with you. Being distant from people saves me from any heartbreak.

I was talking to Leonard from sec D when I saw chase for the first time today. He smiles at me warmly which I return with my weak smile. Chase is my boyfriend of two months and he's the class bad boy but he's a total softie when It comes to me. I could never date someone longer for a month but Chase somehow makes me feel okay.

I walk outside the library and makes my way towards him. As soon as he sees me he leaves his friend and greets me warmly. "Hi Scarlet "

"Hey Chase, did you come late today?"

"Yeah, woke up late " he replies cheekily.

"Save you from ten minutes of Speech in the morning assembly. Principal John talks too much"

"I know right, "

"Right. Chase Have you got your physics book corrected? I need to borrow"

"Of course, what my girlfriend wants she gets," he says pecking my lips.

"Chase stop doing that we'll get TC if we're caught by the teachers"

"Na,I wouldn't care to get TC If It means I get to kiss you" he replies playfully. Our School is super strict and no PDA is allowed on the school campus. Last year when Liam tried to hug me, Sir Robert saw us and glares at him, and later, calls Liam into his office to warned him about following the school rules.‘I hate him’ he had said later that evening but I just laughed and joked about not keeping his hands to himself.

"Hello, do you hear me?" Chase snapped his fingers in front of my face bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Sorry I was thinking about my mom."

I lied. He didn't look convinced but doesn't question me any further. That's what I like about Chase. He did not try to pry in my life. I feel just okay dating Chase, unlike my other boyfriends he is bearable and his cheesiness level is 3 in a scale of 10.

"Chase Do you think I'll graduate high school this year?" I asked him trying to change the topic. 

"Of course trust me you're the most hardworking person I've ever met."

"Geez by hardworking you mean failing in math and chemistry?" I said smiling lightly. Sometimes I smile unknowingly with Chase and I wonder if he is the one that would mend the void in my heart. He's someone I had dated a month longer and so far he's never made me feel uncomfortable or suffocated. But I know soon we'll be leaving our separate ways. Nobody knew about the mess my family and I was suffering. I couldn't trust anyone to keep my secret and I  had no desire to talk too. My family suffering is enough and I don't want people pitying us for that. My mom and dad never stop praying for a miracle but I don't know what to pray. There are too many things I long for but I know that one thing could never be received. When I was younger my mother always used to say 'start praying for your future partner' I was furious at her because dad had told me never to get married when I grow up but to live with them forever. Mom was laughing the whole time I was complaining my dad about mom asking me to pray for my husband and that he should scold mom for saying something so ridiculous. Dad laughs at me but still scolds my mom just for my sake, I smile lightly at the memory. Two years later, when I turned twelve I had this huge crush on my classmate and as a kid, I fantasise about getting married and began praying for my future husband. And three years later, I stop praying altogether.

People live by hope like my parents hope for a miracle. But I don't live in hope because I already knew the answer.