CHAPTER 5 : TANIA

I sat on the cold bathroom floor, my knees pulled tight against my chest, staring blankly at the pregnancy test in my trembling hands. Two lines. Clear. Undeniable. Irreversible.

My stomach turned, my chest grew heavier as fear sank deeper into my mind. Questions came rushing, crashing into each other inside my head. What am I supposed to do now?

I had ignored the signs—brushed them off as stress, sleepless nights, or just my body being out of rhythm. The dizziness, the constant exhaustion, the nausea—I told myself it was nothing. But it wasn’t nothing. It was real. And now, I couldn’t run from it anymore.

A shaky breath escaped my lips as I slipped the test back into its box and tucked it under the sink. Out of sight, but never out of mind.

I leaned my forehead against my knees, shutting my eyes tight. What now? Do I tell him? Do I keep this to myself? Can I even handle this alone?

The thought of Clyren knowing sent a different kind of fear through me.

I bit my lip, fighting back the tears that burned to escape.

No.

I couldn’t tell him. Not yet.

I wiped my tears roughly, forcing myself to stay strong.

And with that, I stood up, gave one last glance at the test hidden under the sink, and stepped out of the bathroom—carrying a secret I wasn’t ready to share.

Sleep came without me realizing. My body just gave in after all the crying, but even in sleep, the heaviness stayed. It was like something was pressing on my chest, stealing my breath, my strength, the ability to breathe freely.

When I opened my eyes, they burned from the tears, my throat was raw and dry. I reached for my phone, my fingers moving before my mind could stop them. I opened I*******m and typed his name.

Clyren Zeye Matteo

@renzmatteo

His profile popped up instantly. My thumb hovered over his display picture for a second before tapping it. His feed appeared, photo after photo, until—

I froze.

There it was. A picture of him… standing beside a girl. She was smiling, radiant, alive. Her eyes were filled with warmth. And him—he was looking at her like she was his whole world. Like nothing else existed when she was near.

Then I saw the caption.

"Wherever you are, I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re at peace. You were always too good for this world, too kind, too full of love. And I will spend the rest of my life carrying you with me, in every breath, in every step. My heart is still yours, and it always will be."

My hands trembled as I gripped my phone tighter. My vision blurred as I stared at the name I had tried so hard to erase.

Tania.

My throat tightened.

I never had a chance, did I? Even now, after everything… I was still nothing compared to her.

Tears fell before I even noticed, dropping onto my phone screen.

I wiped them away quickly, forcing a breath into my lungs. And then, without thinking, I stood up.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in front of her grave.

Even in death, she still won. She still had his heart.

And I… I never even stood a chance.

I let out a shaky breath, staring at the cold stone in front of me. It felt heavier than anything I had ever carried. I clenched my fists so tight my nails dug into my palms, my eyes locked on the name carved into the stone.

Latania Fren Fortaleza.

Even in death, she was still the one he loved.

Even though Tania was gone, Clyren’s love for her was still alive.

A bitter laugh escaped me as I shook my head, wiping the tears off my cheeks.

“Tania… what do you have that I don’t?” My voice cracked, my throat aching from the endless crying. “Why? Why is it always you? Why does he still love you, even when you’re gone?”

I waited, hoping for some kind of answer carried by the wind. But there was nothing. Only silence.

I hugged myself tightly, whispering into the still air, “I tried, you know? I really tried. I stayed when he was hurting. I stayed when he pushed everyone away. I loved him in a way that should’ve been enough. But it never was. Because no matter what I did… I was never you.”

Tears spilled again, burning hot as my chest ached. “Tell me, Tania… what should I do? How do I make him see me? How do I stop feeling like I’m just a shadow standing in the place you left behind?”

The wind blew, leaves rustled faintly, but the silence stayed. The truth weighed heavier than ever.

I bit down on my lip, holding back a sob. “I hate you,” I whispered. “I hate that you still have him. I hate that even now, I can’t win against you.”

My knees buckled, and I sank to the ground. “But more than that… I hate that I understand why he loves you.”

Because I did.

I had spent so long wondering what made Tania unforgettable. What made her the one Clyren could never let go of. And now, I finally understood.

She was the kind of person you don’t just forget. The kind who leaves a mark so deep no one else could ever replace her.

And no matter how much I wished it was different, no matter how much I wanted Clyren to love me instead… I knew.

I would always come second to her.

And I didn’t know how to live with that.

"This is so unfair," I whispered, pressing my fingers against the engraved letters of her name. Even her name felt like a weight crushing my chest.

My tears wouldn’t stop. My whole body shook from exhaustion—crying, begging, screaming in silence. But no one could hear me. She couldn’t hear me.

"You’re gone, Tania," I choked out. "You’ve been gone for so long, but why does it still feel like you’re here? Why does it still feel like I’m losing to you every single day?"

I clenched my fist, the cold marble biting against my fingers. "I tried to be everything you weren’t. I tried to be better than you, tried to make him laugh, tried to make him happy, tried to be enough—but it didn’t matter, did it?" I let out a sharp breath, shaking my head. "Because you were already everything to him."

A broken sob ripped out of my chest. "Was I ever enough for anyone? Did anyone ever look at me the way he looked at you? Like I was the only thing that mattered? Or was I just fooling myself this whole time?"

The silence mocked me. Even now, Tania still had the last word without saying anything at all.

I pressed a trembling hand against my chest, trying to stop the pain that wouldn’t go away. "I loved him, Tania. I love him. But it doesn’t matter, right?" My voice shook, so soft I could barely hear myself. "Because in his heart, it’s only ever been you."

I squeezed my eyes shut, hugging myself as if I was about to break apart. "Tell me… how do I stop this?" I whispered. "How do I stop wishing I was you?"

The night dragged on, cold and unfeeling, just like the stone beneath my fingers. And for the first time, I realized—no matter how much I cried, no matter how much I begged for an answer, I would never get one.

"I wish you were alive," I whispered, my voice breaking. "I wish you were here, Tania. So I could ask—" I swallowed hard, holding back the sob rising in my throat. "So I could ask you what I’m supposed to do."

Slowly, I placed a hand over my stomach. It wasn’t showing yet, but enough to remind me that someone was there.

Clyren’s child was inside me. The weight of it sank deep into my bones.

"He’ll accept the baby," I admitted softly. "Clyren’s a good man. He’ll do what’s right." A bitter smile tugged at my lips. "But that’s the point, isn’t it? He’ll accept him because it’s the right thing to do, not because he wants to."

I quickly wiped my tears, frustration burning in my chest. "Tell me, Tania. What do I do? Do I pretend this is enough? Do I force myself to believe that even without love, even without being wanted, this will be enough for him? For me? For our child?"

I laughed—empty, broken. "God, I sound pathetic," I muttered to myself. "Clyren would never abandon his own, but I know him, Tania. I know him. And I know that no matter how much he cares for our child, no matter how much he provides, he will never love them. Not the way he would love if you were the one carrying them."

A painful sob slipped past my lips. "I’m so scared, Tania," I confessed, pressing my forehead against the cold stone. "I’m scared that one day, our baby will look into their father’s eyes and see nothing but duty. That they’ll spend their whole life trying to earn love that was never meant for them."

I hugged my stomach tightly, my whole body shaking. "I don’t want them to feel that. I don’t want them to grow up thinking they weren’t enough. That they were just a reminder of a night that should never have happened." My voice cracked.

Silence swallowed me again, my words heavy in the cold night air.

“I didn’t think you’d come here.”

I flinched at the sound of Bea’s voice, but I didn’t turn to her. I just swallowed hard and kept my eyes on the name in front of me.

"I just… miss her." The words slipped out before I could stop them.

Bea sighed softly as she came closer. "You don’t come here often."

I shrugged, my grip tightening on the stone. "Maybe I should have."

She sat down beside me without another word. For a while, there was only the sound of the wind and the rustle of leaves between us. Then, after a long silence, she finally spoke.

"You know, Tania was the kind of person who never asked for anything."

I turned to look at her. Bea had a small smile on her lips, but there was sadness in her eyes.

"She was the type who would give everything and expect nothing in return," Bea said softly. "Even when she was tired, even when she was hurting, she would still be there for you."

I looked away, staring down at my hands. I knew.

"She was always there," Bea went on. "For Clyren, for Clyde, for me and Kent. For everyone. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone. And even when she was struggling, she never let anyone see it."

I bit my lip, a sharp ache twisting inside me.

"She loved so deeply, Syd," Bea whispered. "That’s why everyone loved her so much."

My chest tightened, my nails digging into my palms.

"She made people feel special without even trying. She made you feel like you mattered." Bea took a shaky breath. "She was the kind of person you couldn’t help but love."

I squeezed my eyes shut, my heart pounding painfully in my chest.

This was why.

This was why Clyren could never love me the way he loved her.

Because I was never her.

And I never would be.

A bitter laugh slipped out of me. "She was perfect, wasn’t she?"

Bea shook her head. "No. She wasn’t perfect." She gave me a faint smile. "She was just… good. And maybe that’s even rarer."

I forced myself to breathe, holding back the tears.

For so long, I kept telling myself that if I tried hard enough, maybe one day Clyren would learn to love me. That maybe I could take Tania’s place in his heart.

But sitting here, listening to Bea, facing the truth that had been staring at me all along… I realized I had already lost before I even started.