CHAPTER FOUR

AVA

College was supposed to be a fresh start.

New city, new people and a new life.

I threw myself into it like a possessed woman. I attended every class and took meticulous notes and studied until my eyes burned. I avoided parties and social gatherings and anything that reminded me of the girl I used to be. The girl who believed in love and trust and all the other lies people told themselves to get through the day.

That girl was dead.

I stopped answering calls from my high school friends. Jenna tried to reach out twice with long apologetic texts that I deleted without reading. My parents called every Sunday and I gave them the bare minimum. Yes, classes were good. Yes, I was eating. Yes, I was making friends.

All lies.

Even Ethan noticed the distance. He texted me asking if everything was okay and why I sounded so different. I told him I was just busy with schoolwork. He did not push but I could feel his concern through the phone.

I did not care.

I was six weeks pregnant and alone and that was fine. I would figure it out. I always figured things out.

The morning sickness started in my third week. I kept crackers by my bed and learned to time my classes around the nausea. My roommate asked if I was sick and I told her it was just a stomach bug. She bought it.

Everyone bought it because I was good at pretending and at smiling and nodding and acting like my world had not imploded.

But then I saw him.

Tyler.

I was walking across the quad with my backpack slung over one shoulder when I spotted him near the student center. He was laughing with a group of guys and for a second I thought I had imagined it. That my brain had conjured him up as some cruel joke.

But no.

He went to this college too.

I had completely forgotten that he had applied here. We had talked about it once back when I thought we had a future together. Back when I was stupid enough to believe his promises.

I turned and walked in the opposite direction before he could see me.

For two weeks I managed to avoid him. I changed my routes and ate lunch at different times and became a ghost on campus but Tyler was persistent. He started showing up outside my classes and sending me messages that I blocked immediately.

He wanted to apologize.

He said he wanted closure. What a joke.

He wanted me to forgive him so he could stop feeling guilty about what he had done.

I wanted him to disappear.

On a Tuesday in late September he finally cornered me outside the library. I had been feeling worse than usual all day. The nausea was stronger and more insistent and there was a dull ache in my lower abdomen that would not go away.

"Ava, please." Tyler stepped in front of me and blocked my path. "Just give me five minutes."

"No." I tried to move around him but he grabbed my arm.

"I know I screwed up," he said quickly. "What I did with Jenna was unforgivable. But I miss you and I just want to explain—"

"Let go of me." My voice was cold and calm even though I felt like I was going to be sick.

"I still care about you," he continued like I had not spoken. "I know you are angry but if you would just listen—"

The pain in my stomach sharpened suddenly and I gasped. Tyler kept talking but I could not hear him anymore. There was a ringing in my ears and the world tilted sideways.

Something was wrong.

Very wrong.

I looked down and felt the blood drain from my face.

There was blood running down my leg. Dark red and warm and soaking into my jeans.

"Ava?" Tyler's voice sounded far away. "What's wrong? Are you—oh my god."

I stumbled backward and pressed my hand against my stomach. The pain was unbearable now. It was stabbing and twisting and wrong.

"Help," I whispered. "Please."

Tyler caught me before I fell. He was yelling something but I could not make out the words, people were gathering around us now. Someone was calling 911. Someone else was asking if I was okay.

I was not okay.

I was losing my baby.

***

The hospital was too bright and too loud and smelled like antiseptic and death.

I hated it.

They rushed me into an examination room and asked me questions I could barely answer. When was my last period. Was I sexually active. Did I know I was pregnant.

Yes. I knew.

The doctor was a middle aged woman with kind eyes and a gentle voice. She did an ultrasound and I watched the screen with my heart in my throat.

Please. Please let the baby be okay.

But I already knew.

The emptiness inside me was not just emotional anymore. It was physical. A hollow aching void where something precious had been.

"I am so sorry," the doctor said softly. "You have had a miscarriage. The fetus is no longer viable."

No longer viable.

Such clinical words for something so devastating.

I stared at the ceiling and felt nothing. There were no tears or pain. Just a cold spreading numbness that swallowed everything else.

"We will need to do a procedure to make sure everything is cleared out," she continued. "It is standard protocol—"

"Fine." My voice sounded like it belonged to someone else. "Just do it."

Tyler was waiting outside the room when they wheeled me out. His face was pale and his eyes were red like he had been crying.

"Ava, I had no idea," he started. "If I had known—"

Something inside me snapped.

I launched myself at him before the nurses could stop me. My hands connected with his chest and I shoved him hard enough that he stumbled backward.

"This is your fault!" I screamed. "You did this! You and Jenna and Ryder and all of you—"

I was sobbing now. Ugly broken sobs that tore out of my chest like they were trying to rip me apart from the inside.

Tyler reached for me and I slapped him hard. The sound echoed through the hallway.

"Ava, please—"

"Get away from me!" I grabbed the nearest object which happened to be a plastic water pitcher and threw it at him. It missed and shattered against the wall. "I hate you! I hate all of you!"

The nurses grabbed me then. Three of them were holding me back while I thrashed and screamed. I did not even know what I was saying anymore. Just rage and grief pouring out of me in an incoherent stream.

"We need to sedate her," someone said.

I felt the needle pierce my arm and then the world went soft around the edges. My legs gave out and they lowered me onto a gurney.

The last thing I saw before the darkness took me was Tyler standing there looking horrified and helpless.

Good.

Let him hurt.

Let them all hurt.

***

When I woke up it was dark outside. A nurse was checking my vitals and she smiled when she saw my eyes open.

"How are you feeling?" she asked gently.

I did not answer.

How was I supposed to feel? I had lost my baby. The one good thing that had come from the worst night of my life was gone.

Because of stress.

Because I had been carrying around so much pain and anger that my body could not handle it.

Because Ryder Kane had broken me so completely that even my own body had given up.

The nurse left after a few minutes and I stared at the ceiling in the empty room.

I felt nothing but cold.

And beneath that numbness something else was growing.

Rage.

It was raw fury that needed to burn something, preferably the people who had ruined my life.

Ryder had done this. He had used me and thrown me away and now I had lost the only piece of him I would ever have. He was living his perfect life with his perfect fiancée while I was lying in a hospital bed after losing a baby he did not even know existed.

He would pay for this.

I did not know how or when but one day Ryder Kane would suffer the way I was suffering. One day I would destroy him the way he had destroyed me but not yet.

First I needed to survive. I needed to be strong and focused and untouchable.

I called the hospital administrator the next morning and made sure all records of my visit were sealed. I told them my parents could not know and they agreed due to patient confidentiality. I paid the bill with the emergency credit card my father had given me and made sure there would be no paper trail.

Then I checked myself out and went back to my dorm.

My roommate asked where I had been and I told her I had the flu. She believed me because people always believed what they wanted to believe.

And we weren't necessarily friends so she didn't really give a shit.

I threw myself back into school with a vengeance. I stopped eating in the dining hall where I might run into Tyler. I blocked his number and avoided anywhere he might be.

I cut everyone out.

Ethan. My parents. Anyone who reminded me of home.

I became a ghost in a shell. A girl who smiled when expected and said the right things but felt nothing underneath.

And late at night when the dorm was quiet and I was alone with my thoughts I made myself a promise.

I would never trust anyone again.

I would never let anyone close enough to hurt me.

And one day when I was strong enough and powerful enough I would make Ryder Kane regret the day he ever touched me.

He had taken everything from me.

Now I was going to take everything from him.