Most of the time I question God if He really exists. My family goes to church at least once a month – depending on what Sunday schedule my father wanted us to be at. I was introduced to a religion who worship one God – the mighty creator, the mighty being – who created everything in this world. Even though I tried to strengthen my faith and believe that He exists – there are so many times in my life that when I am in a very hard situation, I ask Him. I wanted Him to answer me and tell me why He let those things happen to me. I wanted to ask him if he created suffering as well and why do we have to experience such things just for the sake of Him. I wanna argue with Chris more but he has an answer to everything that I am saying. So I just gave up and shut my mouth. He was so optimistic. “Isn’t this a tourist destination?” We’re walking around, enjoying the place that was ours alone for the meantime. How can something be beautifully ruined? Chris was right when he said that no matter
I always picture my death as something beautiful. It was the time where I would be at peace, the time where I would be able to get away from all the suffering that I’ve experienced in the world. As beautiful as a wide garden filled with different flowers, butterflies flying around, a welcoming soft breeze. It would be as wonderful as the sunset, as mesmerizing as the sunrise. The water was cold and true to what I’ve thought a while ago, it was really deep. I don’t know how long it has been since I jumped but I still haven’t reached the sea floor. The coldness isn’t a new feeling for I have felt cold embracing me since then. I could taste the salt water, bubbles above me – coming from my mouth, breathing halted. I could feel the death that I am wishing for. The first few months weren’t that hard. Patricia offered me to stay with her in her own residence at Cinderella but I refused – not wanting her to be caught up in a mess with my father. And so she helped me find a place to stay.
Somehow somewhere, it’s wonderful to see something more than chaos. More than everything, this moment is something I did not expect. And to meet this man who claims that we know each other from childhood was unexpected. The warmth that he is giving me was intense, I couldn’t think straight anymore like when I was drunk. I know what I am doing, I know what we’re doing but I cannot stop myself because I am too drawn with the situation. All I wanted was to feel the sensation of having his lips next to mine. I want to feel the peace that he is trying to give me and I think – stupidly – that it will be channeled through this. Stupid as it may seem but people does something stupid for their gain. Even did the weirdest things. I wanted his hands to travel all over my body to feel the warmth of his hands against my skin. To feel and understand how I am loved even though I have scars, I wanted him to see how physically unsightly I am. I could feel the hard ground on my back as he laid me
It has been almost a year. I promised myself that I won’t ever come back to Ariel. It was a so-called home for me because it is the City where I was born, the place where I was raised. It was the only place I know where I have a family because since my birth, I’ve never got to know any other City of province outside Ariel. After being away for almost a year, nothing has changed much in this place. From the smell of a usual City, the towering buildings, infrastractures, billboards of my father and his political group, the industries. The economy of Ariel keeps growing and growing just like before. But it was ironic how the streets were still the same – home of many homeless. “I’m sorry if we have to go here,” Chris apologizes. It was late when I realized that Maure’s address was at Ariel, I did not give any attention to that detail because I don’t want to talk about Ariel anymore – no matter how much I missed it. It still brings a pain in my heart and tears to my eyes. I wanted to
All it took for my mother to die was one gunshot. One bullet, pierced straight to her heart. Maure trembled in fear, even I couldn’t move from what we heard – a gunshot. It was really loud and we’re implying that it was shot from here – inside the house. Maure started crying, she’s in panic and so am I. Her tight hold from me was loose, making me sit on the floor of the bathroom and feel like there’s blood on my hands. Just as when Maure decided to open the door and see what’s happening at the dining, we heard another gunshot. And another. I couldn’t take it anymore. I feel like whining. My heart was beating so fast. Although Maure was in fear, she kept on convincing me to leave – looking at the door and checking the window in the bathroom if we could use it to go outside as soon as we could. I couldn’t move. I was hugging my knees, feeling the cold floor of the bathroom as I sat on it. I wanted to move and get out of this place. Why am I getting this unwelcoming feeling at
Chris asked me to get inside the camper van with Selene and Maure. He probably knows that I am not that good of a driver and we have to rush to the hospital. They were all bloody – him and Selene. But Selene is not in her consciousness and there’s blood coming out from her head. I could see no bullet and we did not hear another gunshot so I am assuming that he just knocked her out. Something must have happened inside between Selene and Chris, maybe they've fought but who knows. Chris is still not talking about it and we're all quiet inside the camper van while he is driving. He just asked us if both Maure and I were fine, if his definition of fine is not wounded like him and has consciousness, both Maure and I passed the criteria. “We’re fine, what happened inside?” Instead of answering now he just said we’ll all talk about it together later. Both Maure and I were stunned when we saw Chris rushing outside the house. Chris put Selene on the bed, Maure did not even move an inch from w
I didn’t know that I would be able to drive the camper van at 60 kilometers per hour on streets. Kung kanina ay binubusinahan ako dahil sa sobrang bagal, ngayon naman ay bumubusina sila para pabagalin ang takbo ko. I didn’t know that I was capable of overspeeding, beating the red light, and doing everything I can so that I would be far away from my father as soon as I could. His eyes. Those intimidating eyes. Wala pa siyang ginagawa – sa ngayon – but now that he knows that I am in his territory, surely he would do something about it. Wala pa siyang ginagawa pero kinikilabutan na ako. After what I experienced from rushing out the cemetery. I finally made it back to the hospital. Inabot na ako ng dilim sa daan but I don’t care at all because I have to get to Chris and tell him that we have to leave. Mapag-uusapan naman siguro namin lahat ng nangyari kanina ngayong gabi then we could leave it to Maure and settle everything with Selene since she could remember everything already. M
Change is inevitable, so is death. There will be a time that we will have to face it. May it be a surprise to us because it happened due to an accident or someone caused it, may it be by a death you’ve already embraced because you know for a fact that you’ll get there, it’ll come to you. I swear this isn’t the Leira I know. I know myself so well that I forgot about changes that may happen along the way. Maybe for now I would be off to my course and maybe for now I would allow myself to selfishly try loving someone even if it means leaving them. Susubukang mahulog pero hindi hulog na hulog. I wanted to laugh at myself because of that thought. Is it really possible? Chris was surprised by what I did but he smiled at me afterwards. Ako naman ang nahiya dahil sa ginawa ko. First, I came with a man that I don’t know, and he claims that he knows me. Second, I agreed to travel further with him as he admitted that he loves me. And lastly, I had moments with him that I don’t know how to