Believe me

"I will be back tomorrow, don't wait up" Sam left a message with the staff.

He didn't even say if it was about a late meeting.

 Do not wait up. I wasn't going to wait.

The kind of notice he gave when he wanted the house empty of questions. By early evening the main rooms were quiet and the only sounds left were the ones the building made on its own.

I was in my room with the door unlocked when the knock came. Not a staff knock.

I opened it.

"Ben?" I was surprised.

Ben stood in the hallway with his jacket still on and his shoulders set too tightly. He looked like he had driven here without deciding what he would say when he arrived. 

For a moment neither of us spoke. Just awkward stares.

"You didn't answer," he said.

"I didn't want to."

He stepped inside when I moved aside. I closed the door. The click of it sounded too loud as if the whole Mansion would know he was in my room. 

Ben stayed near the entrance, as if crossing further into the room would require permission he had not earned.

"Sam told me I was a failed prank," I said. "Payback. He said Alena was supposed to be yours and I was what came after. He asked me who I thought told him to marry me in the first place."

Ben's jaw flexed. He looked at the floor once, then back at me.

"I made a mistake."

"That's not an answer. Yesterday you didn't say yes or no."

"I know." He dragged a hand through his hair. "Years ago I told him I had no interest in the arrangement they were pushing. I made it obvious. I thought if I treated the whole thing like it bored me, he would lose interest too. Sam only ever wants what he thinks someone else has. I believed that if I stopped looking at you, he would stop looking at you."

I stared at him. What an excellent explanation.

"You used me as a strategy."

"I thought I was protecting you from him." His voice roughened. "It was arrogant. It was stupid. And it put you in the exact place I didn't want you to be. I never told him to marry you. I never asked for that. But I created the opening he used. That part is mine and please believe me when I say he lied about certain things."

The honesty sat between us without decoration. He looked exhausted by it.

"It doesn't even matter the way you think," I said after a moment. "He's with Alena now. My cousin. I saw them. A family hotel. I wasn't even allowed into the company but he took her in! He got me her perfume! Same perfume he brought home and tried to give me."

Ben went still.

"Alena?"

"Yes. Or did you forget the name of your ex bride?"

Something moved across his face - disgust, calculation, a brief flash of anger that was not directed at me. He took a step closer, then seemed to catch himself.

"I didn't meet with her once. Her family spoke to my father but I rejected the offer. I was meant to marry someone else too but...I don't care who he's using to feel important," he said. "I care that you're standing here looking at me like I planned the cage you're in."

"Didn't you?"

"No." The word came out low and sharp. "I planned something else and it failed. That is not the same thing. It has always worked! If I don't put interest in anything, Sam doesn't."

He closed the remaining distance and reached for me. I could have stepped back. I didn't. His arms went around me carefully at first, as if he expected to be pushed away, then tighter when I stayed. The solid weight of him, the familiar scent, the controlled way he held on - all of it landed harder than the argument. My hands stayed at my sides for a breath longer than they should have before they rose and rested against his back.

"You're still angry," he said into my hair.

"Yes."

"Good. Stay angry. Just don't stay away from me while you do it."

I made a small, tired sound that was not quite a laugh. "You talk like you get to negotiate the terms."

"I'm asking." He pulled back enough to see my face. "I'm not here to demand anything. I'm here because the idea of you believing his version of me is unbearable."

The room felt smaller. The fact of Sam's absence, the locked door, the weeks of " almosts" and interruptions and other people's eyes pressed in around the two of us. Ben's hands framed my jaw. He waited one second longer than necessary, giving me time to refuse.

I didn't.

The kiss started controlled and did not stay that way. He kissed me like someone who had been holding the line for too long and had finally decided the line was useless. 

"Believe me," He groaned as he pulled back for a few seconds "Please, Katherine." 

I answered him with the same lack of restraint. The argument was still there, unfinished, but it no longer had the power to keep any space between us. His mouth moved from my lips to the corner of my jaw, then back again. My fingers curled in the front of his shirt.

When we broke apart we were both breathing too hard.

"I never meant to ruin your life," he said against my forehead. "I will do whatever you want. Anything. You name it."

I looked at him. The words I had been circling for days sat right there, simple and impossible.

"I can't have what I want."

His thumb brushed my cheek. "What do you want?"

I held his gaze and did not soften it.

"You."