Scared (Jia)

JIA POV

  I wince as I accidentally catch sight of the port in my chest in the mirror. I have never grown accustomed to seeing the foreign object protruding from my body, even though I have had it for so long now.

  I drop the damp paper towel I used to dry my hands into the trash and grab my IV pole. I move slowly back to my hospital bed and sigh as I sit down.

Just the trip to the bathroom exhausted me, but I wanted to do it on my own. Having to call a nurse and wait for help is awful. I would rather exhaust myself while I can because after I get my medicine in an hour I will be too weak again.

  A knock sounds on my door as I pull the covers back over my legs, and I say Come in. I smile at my Doctor as he enters a few seconds later and he smiles back at me for a second before coming to sit next to my bed.

"Morning, Jia. How are you today?" he asks, and I shrug.

"About the same as yesterday and the day before," I reply simply and he nods.

"Well, I won't drag this out, your numbers aren't good. The tests we ran yesterday don't show any progress. We knew it was a long shot when we discussed this round of treatment and it looks like we were right about that assumption. At this time, we could look at removing everything, but as we said before, since it has spread already, it most likely wouldn't do any good," he says softly, and I nod.

I feel numb and small as he looks me over with kind eyes. I wish I had someone here with me so I could lean into their side and hide away from his gaze, but I don't. I am alone. I am always alone despite the fact that I have three siblings and two parents who both live close enough to the hospital to visit daily. I haven't even seen my two older siblings in a month. I know they are busy, but come on. I have to sit here alone and face death head-on.

"Alright. Not what I wanted to hear, but I understand," I whisper and he continues to watch me as the truth of his words work past my initial shock.

"So how long?" I finally ask, and he gives me a sad smile.

"Six months. Maybe longer," he replies and I begin to hear a loud buzzing inside my head.

He says something else, but I can't make out what he's saying. My ears are ringing and my heart is pounding so hard. I am scared and alone. I don't want to die. I haven't really lived. I've seen so little of the world. I always wanted to travel and fall in love in some exotic place, but it looks like that will never happen. I am doomed to live in one city and pray I have enough energy to walk myself to the bathroom without help.

Something touches my shoulder and I jump before locking eyes with my concerned doctor.

"Jia, would you like to try more options? We can continue what we are doing, and maybe something will change," he says, and I lick my cracked lips.

I know he believes I am a lost cause. I can see it in his expression, but I can't just give up. I have to find a way to live.

"I want to continue," I whisper, and he nods, giving me a sad smile.

"Alright," he says before quietly leaving my room.

  As the door closes behind him tears begin to fall down my face. I just ignore them. I have cried so much over the past two years. I fumble around looking for my phone for a minute until I find it and text dad.

Me- The doctor stopped by. He didn't have good news. I could really use some company.

I close my eyes and sink into my pillows. I feel lost. How could my body betray me so badly? If only I were healthy.

My phone dings and I force my eyes open.

Dad- I will stop by there at 12.

  I scoff a little. He won't even leave work before his scheduled lunch break. He didn't even call to console me or find out what the doctor said.

I close his text, and my eyes drift to the name under his..., Mom.

My mom hasn't stopped by in five weeks. Not since they told us this treatment was my final option and the chances weren't good. She had cried and refused to look at me. It seemed to break her. I thought once she calmed down she would come back and hug me... maybe even tell me the doctors were wrong, but that didn't happen. Instead, she stopped answering my calls and only sends me one-word replies when I text her. My older brothers and younger sister also stopped coming to visit me. It's like I am already dead to them. I know my brothers are in college and my sister is starting her junior year of high school but come on. I am their sister. Do I not matter since I am going to die anyway?

  As that question tumbles through my mind the wall I built around my emotions crumbles. I begin to sob uncontrollably. My weak body shakes with every breath, but I can't calm down. The feeling of being unloved is too much. My heart feels as if it is being shredded. I am so scared of dying and I just want someone to care about me.

*******

  "She was asleep when I started the drip. She should be good to wake up for a little bit," I hear my nurse say before I feel her hand on my shoulder.

  "Jia, your dad is here," she says softly and I peel open my sore eyes.

  I cried for so long that my body was too exhausted to carry on. I had to sleep. I couldn't force myself to wait for him to show up.

  "Hey, baby girl," Dad says, and I look over at him.

   I feel numb now that he is here. My emotional episode from earlier seems to have helped me move passed my depressive thoughts.

  "Hi," I reply as my nurse adjusts my bag.

  She gestures to the bed adjustments and I nod. She sits me up and straightens my blankets before leaving us.

"So what did the doctor say?" Dad asks, and anger bubbles up in my chest again.

  "I got six months to live," I answer harshly, and Dad freezes for a second before he tries to reach for my hand.

  I move my hands away from him and he gets a confused look on his face.

  "You will all be free from the burden soon enough," I spit out to answer his unspoken question and he gets angry instantly.

  "Jia Wang! Do not call yourself that. I love you. I do not want to lose you," he says, and I scoff, which tickles my throat, and I cough.

  "Sure," I sneer when I can talk again and he shakes his head.

  "Why are you behaving like this? I love you. You are not a burden," he says, and tears well up in my eyes again.

"Then why doesn't Zixuan, Muchen, Lan, or Mom visit me. Why is everyone already acting like I am dead and gone?" I scream, and he gets a sad look on his face.

  He looks down, ashamed, and I wait for him to answer me with fresh tears cascading down my sunken face.

  "It is hard for them, Jia. Your mother loves you. She just can't bring herself to think about you dying," he says and I grow even angrier.

"So no goodbye for me. No comfort. No love. I am to just sit here by myself and die," I shout and Dad looks up with tears on his face too.

  "No. I am here. I will be here every day," he says and I want to slap him.

  "YOU COME ONLY ON YOUR LUNCH BREAKS. I GET ONE MEASLY HOUR OF YOUR TIME A DAY," I shout, and he shakes his head.

  "I must work Jia. You are under my health insurance. I must work," he says and I shake my head.

I don't want logical responses. I want my family to love me. I want them to spend every minute I have left with me... but they won't.

  "I am tired," I whisper after a few minutes of silence and he nods.

  "I understand. I love you Jia. I will see you tomorrow," Dad says before he grabs my hand and kisses it.

  My anger dims a little, but I don't let him see. I am not willing to ease any guilt at this point. They have deserted me, but here soon I will be liberated from my loneliness.