Deja Vu

Dear Devon,

I have no idea where to start or how...Our goodbyes were so sudden. I'd be a fool to say I saw it coming. That night when you touched my cheeks held me oh so close and kissed me so gently, I never knew that after that you would utter the words "Goodbye Hannah..." I was stunned, I was devastated as you simply walked away without any explanation. I could still taste your lips and feel the warmth of your embrace as I lay down on the tub where I ended my life. A fitting ending, because when you walked away I felt my life shatter to pieces and my heart stopped beating. Did you know that night was the final nail to my coffin? That was the last straw, you were the only remaining string that held me to my dear life and you cut it off just like that. Don't you think I love you too much to be discarded like that? 

My heart sank as I read that line. Hannah, if you only knew how I regretted that night and how I learned too late that I was wrong. I felt the huge house is now too small, it's as if I couldn't breathe as if I was Hannah that night. Flashes of her on the tub holding a blade. I tried to shake those thoughts away, but I couldn't, I felt cold and sweat formed at my temples. My hands shaking I read on.

I remember going to school the next morning numbed and still hoping. I sought you and then I found you beside your locker with Cassidy, you were kissing her and I was standing there. It was like I was at a movie watching you both and you never noticed me. Even as she smiled and left, you never saw me. I did not exist. That hurt a lot. Did you know that you were the only one who made me feel like I belong to this world? You used to look at me as if I was worthy, worthy to walk on this earth, but why Devon? You just left me out like that like a forgotten other pair of socks under your bed. Cold, alone, and neglected. 

What hurts me more is why her? Why Cassidy? You did not only hurt me and leave me, but you also stole my best friend away. The betrayal is so heavy that it bore on me every single day exactly 7 days after that, I ended my life. So you see Devon? It was not just a fling, you were the love of my life and you chose to tear me to pieces. Did you also bring her to that hill where we would spend hours just talking and looking at the stars and the lights of the city? Did you also bring her under our willow tree? Did you also kiss her and tell her how crazy you were with her? Did you tell her all the things you do with her you have done with me, and more? And every time you kiss her, touch her, and whisper sweet nothings to her, have you thought of me? Wasn't it like deja vu? Does my face flashback at you as she smiles at you? It was supposed to be me! If only you took a step back and think about me it wouldn't have come to this, because no matter how much we fought I would have always chosen to stay with you. Don't you remember it all? It was special and you know it. It was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love and you threw it back at my face. Spitting back all the memories that I held on so dearly, like a crumpled paper you threw it all away. I waited for time to pass by, but it won't, wondering if you will ever show up at my door and take it all back, but you never came. I tried to find myself again but I never knew who I was in the first place before I met you...

Did I ask for too much? You must have seen how much I needed you? How much I have loved you? Worst of all you took my friend and I have needed you both more than anything on those last few days of my life. You must have seen all the signs and yet you chose to ignore it and because of that, in one stroke, you left me for dead.

I felt weak after reading the letter. I couldn't find the strength to stand up, I weakly made my way back to the chair and I can feel the lump forming in my throat as I gently sat down. I stayed like that for a few minutes. Just there trying to make sense of all that is happening now, about Hannah, about Cassidy, and the sense of loss that is overwhelming me right now. 

Suddenly, I felt the air was getting too cold. I can see fog forming when I breathe. The hairs on my neck stood and suddenly as I was sitting there I felt a touch on my shoulder and her voice, Hannah's voice! She said, "Devon, look at me."

I felt frozen, I don't want to look at my side, I was scared. But I also felt a deep desire within me to do as I was told. I slowly turned my head to my left and there she was. She seemed to glow, like an angel. Suddenly I was transported back to that day that I saw her at the Club. She looked so beautiful, so divine, so alive! My fears seemed to melt away...I forgot for a moment that she died, tears streamed my cheeks and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Time seemed to stop and it was just us. Like a parallel universe where Hannah is still alive and we were happy. At that moment I felt immense love and happiness and I have forgotten the reality that she is dead.

She held my cheeks and slowly her face went near me. Inch by inch she was closing the gap and all I wanted was to feel her, touch her, taste her lips. I was drowning with the feeling of need for her. "Hannah, I'm so sorry..." I was crying and I held out my hand and touched her cheeks. She was warm and soft just as I remember. She smiled at me and slowly she kissed me. The touch of her lips sent electric waves into my body and I kissed her back with so much hunger and passion and she reciprocated the strokes of my tongue with as much ardor until we slowed down and tasted each other with gentleness. I felt complete at that moment, I felt love. But suddenly, as we stroke each other's tongues I felt a metallic taste. It was so familiar but I could not place it...it was the taste of blood! 

I suddenly opened my eyes and realized it was indeed blood as I felt it oozing from my mouth down to my chin as she was kissing me. I tried to push her with my arms that were holding her. My heart was pounding, I felt so cold I was shaking as I try to get her away from me. The air seemed so thick and I couldn't breathe. I mustered all my strength to push her and when I was able to, I couldn't believe my eyes, she was looking at me, her eyes, those hazel eyes with flecks of green are now a hollow pitch black. I was unnerved, I wanted to stand up but I couldn't. She started to stand and I was so scared, every alarm bell was ringing inside my body and I know I should run out the door but I could not move. 

She was now in front of me standing there in a white dress soaking in blood. She was holding out her wrists to me and her left wrists were slit open with jagged wounds, her flesh showing and blood was oozing out. I tried once again to jerk my body. I closed my eyes and will myself to stop these images of her. I'm sure this is just the alcohol in my system and the pills we took last night causing me to hallucinate. I started to calm down a bit and I felt like I was able to breathe again. My breathing started to slow down and my heartbeat was starting to thud normally. I waited for a moment and I felt like I was okay already. Slowly, I opened my eyes and to my shock, she was already on top of me straddled on my lap. Her pitch-black eyes looking at me. I tried to push her away but she seemed so heavy. I couldn't stand it. She held out her hands and started to strangle me. All the while I couldn't scream or even close my eyes. Her eyes were still on mine and drawing me in. I couldn't breathe, I was choking, her grip on my neck got tighter and tighter. I was slowly losing my will to fight it, my body was already convulsing. My eyes still open and my mouth wide open gasping for air. My vision was starting to get blurry. I can hear and see her laughing. Her head throwing back in abandonment like she was on a deep bliss of what she was doing to me. I couldn't find it in myself to fight anymore the darkness that was overcoming me. 

Visions of Hannah, alive and happy, us on top of the hood of the car, the lights illuminating her beautiful face, us at the school's fire exit kissing passionately, us underneath that willow tree where we had our first kiss. Beautiful memories of our time together came in flashes and flooded my thoughts. I can hear her beautiful laughter. Her voice saying "I love you, Devon...you belong with me..." it kept echoing in my mind and then, darkness.