Of Tequila Shots and Regrets

I woke up with a massive headache. I was out so late last night with Cassidy, she invited me to her place and of course, things got hot and heavy as it always was with her, it was good while it lasted, but when I rolled off from on top of her and I tried to close my eyes all I could see was her - Hannah. God, I miss her. I did not bother to wake up Cassidy or give her a proper goodbye. I just drove off and went home. I couldn't bear to stay and see her the following morning knowing in my heart and soul that I just want to get Hannah off of my mind and that's why I hook up with Cassidy. It's all too late knowing I made a mistake, because well, Hannah is dead.

"Dead." I scoffed as I drink water from the tap. It's such a short lifeless word devoid of emotions when you blurt it out but evokes a million other feelings when you have lost someone, sadness, longing, and regret. It's hard to feel that, knowing that you can never turn back and there is no more room for reconciliation period. She died, and that's the end of it. I stroke my temples as I sat back on the couch. As I linger there I could faintly smell the familiar scent of peonies and woody earth tones of bergamot. I stiffen, this cannot be. I can smell her, Hannah.

I sat straight back up and continue to sniff the air more and I'm not mistaken, it is her perfume. If this is a joke, then it's not funny at all. I stood up and made quick rounds inside the house's first floor and could not find anyone. I checked the backdoor and the front door and both of them were locked. The alarm system was on and there is no chance in hell that somebody must have slipped inside the house without me being awakened by the alarm. I got goosebumps and I felt nauseous. Why do I feel like she was here? She's dead, poof! Gone! Most importantly, why do I feel my heart breaking into a thousand pieces remembering that she is dead?

Hannah and I were inseparable. The moment I saw her at the club with her friends all quiet and aloof. I was drawn to her. I have been watching her for a long while by then when I decided to approach her. In the last few hours, she was the life of the party, her raven hair in a high ponytail, she's wearing the sexiest body-hugging black dress with her back exposed. She looked divine, like a goddess. I was watching her but I was hesitant because she seems like the rest of the girls I've been with - rich and spoiled. I decided to keep on watching and see if she changes my mind. When she was dancing with a random dude I can feel her gaze on me as I was sitting on the couch with a whisky in my hand. She was flirting. I looked at her, our eyes locked and even as she was grinding and dancing with someone else, I saw a familiar glint in her eyes, that of loneliness and emptiness. I know that kind of gaze because I see it every day when I looked at the mirror and nobody was watching. 

I was curious, I kept on watching her, a few seconds after our gaze locked, she excused herself from the guy and I was pretty certain she would give me one final look and go out to the back alley for a make-out session, not that I don't find her attractive but I secretly hoped she wouldn't, that I was wrong about her and that she would be different. 'Lo and behold, she did not fail me. She went straight to their couch right across ours and she did not look at me for the rest of the night. She did not dance, she would take the occasional shots of tequila from her friends but when she puts down her glass, her eyes will drift at the dancefloor with a faraway look. She seems lost and when I look at her angel-like face, I can't help but feel her pain. It's as if we share some bond that nobody could explain and I know she felt it too. 

I decided to approach her and as I come near to her, she seemed lost in her thoughts that she did not even notice when I finally sat down beside her. "Hi," I said to her, and like a movie slow-mo she turned to me and I could not forget that moment, because she took my breath away. Her eyes were hazel and flecks of green can be seen as the lights shine on her, her hair up in a tight ponytail and cascading into soft curls at her shoulders, her mouth was a perfect cupid's bow, her milky skin shone despite the club's darkness. She was wearing make-up but underneath that, I saw her. A true beauty, in her eyes, I could get lost as I try to read them, it was mischievous, flirtatious as she looked at me but still that empty void was there. I smiled at her and offered my hand "Devon" I said and she said "I know," while smiling back at me. " I know you too Ms. Johnson, I mean Hannah." 

She let out a laugh. 

I laughed too.

"Yeah," I said, "we're in the same English class but I don't think we have officially met." 

"Oh really? I didn't think you will ever approach me. I know you have had your eyes on me for a long time even in class but you never talk to me. What changed your mind, Devon?" Hannah said. 

"I..." I was lost for words, for the first time in my life. Damn this girl got me so speechless I could feel myself blushing. 

Before I could say anything, she stood up, grabbed my arm, and told me, "let's get the hell away from here"

"where do you wanna go?" I said.

She said, "Surprise me." 

I took her that night to my favorite spot, drove my car up that hill, and when we got there she was in awe. I let her out of the car and I climbed up the hood and gestured for her to do the same, she just looked at me and she sat down beside me. 

"It's beautiful..." she said in a hushed tone, as she gazed down the hill into the myriad of city and car lights.

"Yes, beautiful," I said looking at her. She looked back at me and smiled weakly. My heart broke, how could someone so beautiful be this sad. That night we didn't talk anymore we just sat there completely silent for a good hour and she suddenly climbed down the hood and said "let's go home." I nod at her and she did not talk except when I asked where to drop her off. On the way to their house she was just looking out the window, I swear when I got a glimpse of her there were tears and my heart yearned for her more than ever. 

I shook the thoughts away as I slumped down the couch again and her scent was still there. This time I did not flinch. I savored it and closed my eyes and uttered her name "Hannah..." I hope and pray she knows how I long for her. I remember and feel everything, I know she felt it too. Silent tears streamed down my eyes as memories came flooding back. 

Us in the fire exit stairs kissing passionately, us doing it on my bedroom floor, us driving around my car convertible down and her hair wildly being blown by the wind, us down the hall when I decided to look for her again at school the following morning, Us at our very first date at the coffee shop, us at prom, us underneath that willow tree for our very first kiss...

There is just too much of her still in me, I can't deny it but I broke her heart. I left her because I was a coward. Now, I couldn't run back to her or curl my fingers around her hair or kiss her collarbones to make her laugh or whisper in her ears how much she makes me go crazy, or tell her, that I love her...and I miss her so badly. 

I stood there motionless, could this be true? I was watching Devon and I saw those tears streaming down his eyes and I felt it too. That moment I could see his thoughts and it's as if I was on that tub once more, feeling all the pain, remembering all those few little moments that I was happy and the thoughts he has are exactly my last thoughts before I died. I thought if I hang on to the happy times, I'll die a peaceful death, but no. I'm still here and it's all because of them. I clenched my fists as I looked at Devon, gone was the tenderness, I can only remember the hurt, the lies, and my need for revenge. 

I sat back up and composed myself. There's no use looking back, it will only hurt. I decided to go to the bar and get myself a drink. As I was about to get the bottle of bourbon from the top shelf a white envelope fell and I look down when I saw my name written in that familiar handwriting, my hands shook and I hurriedly put down the bottle on the counter. I crouched down and picked up the letter. It was from Hannah.