Loving Jane

Dark clouds veil the sky, rendering everything dark, depressing, the same as the incident that happened today. As clouds in the sky, pain veils my heart, making me feel the same, gloomy from inside out.

The sudden change of events made once pleasant days unpleasant.

My wedding turned out to be the reason for the death of my family.

The thought of not seeing my family, my loved ones ever again, shatters me from inside, but my eyes remain dry, with not a drop of tear in them.

My family has to pay for the sins of someone else. I don’t even know to whom, should I blame, the driver, who was drunk driving to the wrong side of the road, or I who invited them to attend the wedding, if only I hadn’t asked them. The accident never occurred. It was my fault. It’s me who has taken four lives, killed them. The drunk driver was just a host of my sins.

It’s for me that Liam, my little brother who was only a teenager, has to die so early. For me, my parents have to die. Jared, my first and only lover, a childhood buddy, has to die just before his wedding.

Why am I alive then, when there is no one around me, no family, no love, with no hope for life? There is darkness in front of my sight, despair in my heart, and the belief of ending my life in my mind. At moments like this, death seems far easier, then having the courage to face reality.

*******

The memories were so fresh in my mind, the moments I shared with Jared. Memories of my last conversation with Jared came flooding back. The last time I was happy.

“Good morning,” a familiar voice muttered, close to my ear, with a pair of lips brushing my forehead.

The first thing my eyes glimpsed was Jared’s radiant smile. “Good morning.” I spoke, my eyes scanning the figure beside me, admiring the way his body sprawled on the bed, with the blanket only covering the essential parts of his body. The rest is free for my eyes to appreciate.

I moved a little, filling the space between us with hands placed on either side of his cheek. My senses filled with the passion for the person in front of me, brushing my lips with his, kissing him. My hustle made him freeze for a second before he started kissing me back passionately. With his tongue penetrating my mouth, dancing a tango of its own, fighting for authority, making me groan in pleasure. I sensed his smirk upon my response as he separated his lips from mine.

I groan in frustration, not wanting it to be the end, craving for more. Jared smirks at my resentment, with his hands running on my hair and my back, cradling me in his arms, making me sit on his lap.

I laid my head over his chest, with hands wrapped around his torso, listening to the sound of his heart pounding.

“Can I ask you a question?” I nodded. “Will you miss me if I die?” Jared continued, grinning at his own words.

I punched his chest in anger. “Ouch, what’s that for?” Jared protested, rubbing the spot where I hit him.

“Don’t you dare talk about dying ever again?”

“Never,” Jared responded, embracing me in his arms, tight.

“What if something bad happened? You never know?”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily. Not when we are gray and old or when you get bald,” I responded, taunting Jared.

We both chuckled at my words. “Good. I also have no plans on leaving you, even when we’re ghosts hunting other people’s homes.” We cackled at his joke. But within seconds, Jared’s face turned stern with his eyes staring at mine. “But… Jane, can you promise me one thing?” I nodded.

“I don’t know why this question pops into my mind. But I need you to remember my words, with the promise that you made with me.”

“Hmm,” I hummed, snuggling close to his warmth.

“If someday…... I die…,” he paused, placing his index finger on my lip. “Promise me you will move on. Starting a new life of your own with someone else. All I want is your happiness, with or without me, Jane.”

“There is no joy for me without you, Jared,” I responded as my eyes began streaming.

“That’s what I don’t want. Where there is life, there is death. Whoever is born once must die…. You can’t grieve for someone’s death forever.” he paused, holding my hands in his. “I want you to live a happy life. Promise me, Jane. I have asked nothing from you other than your love. Promise me this one thing, and you’ll make me the happiest man alive, please,” Jared responded, presenting me with his best smile.

My voice turned mute. I couldn’t find the right words to say, staring at the person whose love for me is as pure as a child’s heart, who wants nothing in return other than my happiness.

How did I get so lucky to have someone like Jared? “I promise, but....., promise me the same thing, with or without me you’ll be happy, and move on in your life.”

Jared taps the tip of my nose with his index finger. “I can’t even imagine living with anyone else other than you. I will try, if that’s what you wish.” He stated, planting a gentle kiss on my forehead.

“Same,” I repeated, wrapping my arms tight around him, happy to end the stupid conversation.

I smiled at memories of my last time with Jared.

Who would have known it would be our last time together, which ended by urging each other to fulfill some stupid promise? As I look back, I wish I would have never promised Jared about living my life happily with someone other than him, even after his death?

I don’t think I have the strength to survive. Life took an unusual and miserable turn, and I don’t know why__ I am enduring, alone when everyone else I love is dead, all at once.