Man's Best Wingman

I groaned, rolling away from the tongue, licking my face. Gross. Just fucking gross. Squinting through one eye, a large framed print of art greeted me. Or at least it’s called art by some people. I’m not sure I call a painting of two dudes on a hill with one riding the cock of the other while jerking himself off art. I know it is NOT something I want to wake up to see.

But I don’t have a choice. This isn’t my place. I’m crashing at my cousin Makayla’s apartment since she’ll be in DC full time for at least six months. She’s fantastic for letting me stay here, especially with the mongrel, but did she have to have an entire erotic Japanese art set installed in EVERY room before I sublet from her? Of course, she did cause my cousin loves to torment anyone. I’m just her current victim. And worse, I’m paying her for this torture.

A whine in the bed beside me brought my mind back to how I ended up in this predicament. Grumbling, I sat up, rubbing my hand over my face before looking at the ten pounds of cockblocking, apartment evicting troublemaker wiggling his fluffy butt, giving me the sad puppy sad eyes. “I hate you, Zeus.” 

He whines again, nudging me with his wet nose. I know what he wants. He wants to go out. Little God of Thunder is too good for the grass pee pad that I put out on Makayla’s terrace. It’s not fake grass, but he needs more space to do his business. I rolled my eyes, throwing the blankets back, not caring that they landed on him as I went to the bathroom. 

I smiled victoriously as I closed the door before he could rush in. I know it sounds like I do hate him. But I’m not mean for no reason. No one wants to shower or take a piss with someone watching. It’s fucking Creepy. Plus, it is his fault I got evicted from my apartment. Let me rewind six months to my 28th birthday when everything went wrong.

***Six Months Ago***

“Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha! Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha! Happy Birthday, Dear Clay and Reese! Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha!” An off-pitch and out-of-sync chorus of people sang as we gathered around the dining table at my twin sister Reese’s house in Lincoln, Massachusetts. 

Usually, we would have gone to a club and celebrated turning twenty-eight the way we have since we turned twenty-one. But that’s out of the question these days. I don’t think my sister will ever be gracing the halls of a nightclub again. She has entered the age of parenthood, but I don’t begrudge her that. I’m thrilled about my nephew and niece. Nik and Leo are the cutest babies since Ryū was born.

And I like Don. He’s a good dude and treats my sister the way she deserves. So I’m not faulting my sister for settling down. It does, however, mean I’ve lost another wingman. I didn’t even get a chance to hit clubs with our cousins Darius, Elijah, and Forrest. They went head over heels in love during our senior year of high school and have been locked down ever since. I guess I just always figured I’d always have Reese.

I smiled for the picture dad was taking as mamãe set the brigadeiro cake on the table in front of us with precisely twenty-eight candles covering the top of the layered chocolate cake. It has been the same every year since they got married. Mamãe makes the best cake on the planet, something we didn’t know it until she made it. Dad takes the pictures as we blow out our candles, eat cake and ice cream, and then exchange gifts. 

As we timed blowing out the candles, I debated what to wish for. In previous years I’ve hoped for Reese to be happy and not just accept but own who she is. And that finally came true when she met Don. So what do I wish for this year? I don’t want or need anything except maybe a new wingman.

With cake and ice cream out of the way, we moved to gifts. This has changed a lot over the years. Mostly now, we get cards sometimes with cash, which seems to be the continued trend. The only exception was from our cousins’ kids. The Frost quartet gave each of us a finger painting they did. Under parental supervision, of course, so even baby Ryū could participate. 

Reese got a peacock, or I guess that’s what it’s supposed to be. The body was made with Ryū’s foot, and all the feathers in vivid blues and greens were made with their fingers.  While I got a phoenix? I don’t know, but it’s cute because it’s the same thing they did for Reese, but in red and orange. Akio and Saki were very proud of their color choices, while Hikari stressed that he had come up with the idea. Ryū just looked grumpy, or maybe he had gas. Hard to tell with him.

“So I know we don’t often exchange gifts, but….” Reese grinned, gesturing for Don to bring something over.

Oh crap, she got me a gift. I didn’t get her anything because we don’t usually do that. I mean, I got her a card with a hundred bucks. And Don’s carrying two things. Crap crap crap, and did I mention crap?

“Reese, you didn’t need to. I only got you a card with some cash.” I frowned as I was presented with two boxes.

“Well, one of them is from Leo and Nik, so you can’t get mad. And don’t worry about it.” Reese rolled her eyes, handing me the long narrow gift first. “This is from the babies.”

I sighed, glancing over at the newborns. They’ve had enough of the party and were sleeping in their swings. Damn, they are cute. Almost…ALMOST cute enough to make me want a set. But I don’t need a set. I can spoil the shit out of them and hand them back to Reese and Don with a laugh, especially when they have a nasty diaper. 

I ripped the wrapping paper and smiled. It was a canvas that said, ‘We Heart You Uncle Clay’ with the heart being Leo and Nik’s footprints in purple and blue paint. Reese has gone sappy on me in motherhood. 

“I love it. I’m getting all the best kid art this year. First my phoenix from my little cousins and now this from my niece and nephew.” I smiled, turning the canvas around so dad could snap a picture.

“Oh yes, soon your finger and foot paint collection will rival any of Makayla’s art collections.” Reese laughed. “Now open the other one. I don’t know how long it’ll sit still for.”

I frowned. Sit still? What the fuck did she get me? I arched my eyebrow as I picked the box up. I nearly dropped it when it moved and realized there were holes in the box. Oh fuck, she got me something alive. This is going to be a joke gift. I swear the G-O-D if she got me a real tarantula to recreate our sixteenth when she got me a fake one to fuck with me because I’m terrified of spiders…. I don’t know what I’ll do, but it won’t be pleasant.

I was hesitant as I took the lid off the box and felt relief as instead of an eight-legged freak crawling out, a ball of tan and white fluff tumbled into my hand with a yelp. What the fuck is it? “Did you get me a mogwai?” I asked, lifting the creature to try and get a look at its face.

As the fluffy ball untucked, a wet nose bumped me before licking my face with a yip. I blinked, pulling it from my face to get a good look. “You got me a corgi? Was the teacup chihuahua sold out? And why a dog? Let alone such a tiny thing?” I asked, cocking my head as I looked at the puppy.

“Don’t pick on Zeus. He’s a cutie. You need someone to come home to. And you mentioned that dogs and babies are great ways to pick up chicks at a park. Since I’m never loaning you one of my babies to pick up girls, I got you Zeus instead.” Reese smiled, snapping a picture as the tiny beast wiggled in my hands while the three older Frost kids gathered around, wanting to get closer to him.

“Can we see!?”

“I wanna pet him!”

“I wanna hold him!”

“You already named him too? And why Zeus? Do not say it’s because so many people in our family have been named for Greek gods and goddesses.” I rolled my eyes, starting to set the pup down for the kids.

“You may want to keep hold of….” Reese winced. It was too late. I set Zeus down, and he took off like a bolt of lightning, zooming all around her house with Hikari, Akio, and Saki, trying to keep up. “That’s why he’s named Zeus. He zooms around like lightning.”

“Run, Zeus. Run. Don’t let our kids catch you.” Forrest laughed as Zeus zoomed around his feet, followed by his kids running around him following his path. Zeus ended up running under my chair, and with a sigh, I snatched Saki up as she went to crawl under my legs after him.

“That’s enough. Remember when your baby brother came home, and you were introduced to Leo and Nik?” I asked, setting her on my knee as I grabbed Akio to put on the other. Hikari stopped on his own to listen, nodding to my questions. “What were you told?”

“Not to be super loud.”

“Not to poke the baby.”

“Not to be rough with the baby.”

“Exactly. Good job. Zeus may be named for the King of the Gods, but he’s a baby and a tiny one. Nik over there probably weighs more. So you have to be quiet and gentle. And like when your baby brother was learning to crawl, you have to be still and let Zeus come to you.” I explained. “Can you do that?”

“Of course, we can.” Hikari nodded. 

“Okay, sit by your mommy and grandma on the carpet. And we’ll see if Zeus will come to you.” I suggested pointing to the carpet by the sofa Riko and Aunt Artemis were sitting on, trying not to laugh at the kids' antics. 

“OKAY!” Saki shouted before looking embarrassed as Hikari and Akio shhed her with narrowed eyes. The trio raced off my lap to sit on the carpet. 

The next half hour was them trying to whistle and make clicking noises to get Zeus to come over. When they finally stopped, he went over and flopped down for belly rubs. I figured if he could get half as much attention from full-grown women as he does little kids, I would need to use my phone calendar to track all my dates.

Too bad that’s not how it worked out.

He gets me plenty of attention when we go for walks. The problem is that he’s like a woman hater or something. Sure he loves the women in my family, but all the women I’ve tried to pick up with him around, he growls and nips at. I stopped trying to pick up women when I took him on walks. 

It didn’t stop him from being a ten-pound cockblocking asshole. If I brought a woman I met while out on my own home, he’d be just as agro. And even when I assure them he’s harmless, they still leave, and I get left jerking off instead of getting laid. I haven’t gone this long without sex since I started having sex. 

He even tries to screw things up when I’ve gone to a woman’s house. My landlady would call me and tell me to come to do something about my damn dog as she was getting complaints. I’d go home, blue balls and all, to find he had destroyed my apartment. All culminated in me getting evicted after too many complaints and him biting my landlady. 

***Present Day***

I sighed as I walked out of the bathroom, towel around my waist, to see Zeus sitting by the door with sad eyes. “Fine! Alright FINE! Let me get dressed, and I’ll take you to the park.” I threw my hands up in the air letting the towel drop on him as I went to get dressed. 

Fifteen minutes later, I’m dressed, getting weird looks for being a big guy walking this tiny fluff ball through Central Park. So many good-looking women are out walking or jogging. It’s a damn shame that Zeus is such a dick to anyone who looks my way. I honestly think this dog wants me to be single and celibate.