I stood outside of the school and watched as the fallen leaves blow across the car park. I wasn't interested in actually watching leaves change colour, it was merely a distraction. I was waiting for Zack so we could go home together. Today we were going by his house to watch a random movie. It was our tradition, every Thursday.
Just as I resolved to go look for him inside the school, he texted me.
Zack: Sorry. I took Mindy home, her car wasn't working.
I did notice her car was still parked in its usual spot with its windows slightly cracked. I just assumed they were somewhere inside doing restricted things or different variations to that.
Truthfully, I was hurt emotionally and physically. I've been standing by the school's entrance for about an hour, my ankles felt swollen and my back pained. I learnt from a young age, though, to shake things off. What is huffing going to do? Are tears going to wash away my problems?
No, but it sure did help relieve stress.
I took a step towards the gate looking down at my fuzzy boots to avoid the non-existent judgemental eyes of passers-by. A brownish-orange leaf floated into my path and I decided to stomp on it, half to hear it crunch and a half to relieve some pent-up anger that I wasn't allowing myself to admit. Today, however, just wasn't my day because it didn't crunch. I've been disappointed a few times in my life but, this was just awful. Why is the world against me?
I kicked the leaf or at least tried to, all that happened was me rubbing the toe of my boot against the ground and face planting. Thank heavens the car park was basically empty at this point because I don't know what I would do if somebody started laughing at me. Probably fight them and lose despite having been taking boxing lessons for a while now.
''What did the leaf do to you?'' a voice asked as I lay on the ground too defeated to move.
Pushing myself up, I looked behind me to see a guy with blond hair parted down the middle with some dropping in his eyes. I know him, not personally, but I know his name. It's Kevin something or the other.
''It didn't crunch,'' I mumbled like a child, as I fixed myself into a criss-cross apple sauce position.
He looked down at me and nodded; his eyes showed how much he wanted to laugh.
''A crime punishable by death,'' he said seriously.
''It's not nice to make fun of people,'' I squinted at him.
This caused him to chuckle, ''I'm not making fun of you. I'm agreeing with you,'' he stated matter of factly.
''Sure, okay. Whatever you say, Kevin,''
He plopped down in front of me, copying my position. His hand stretched to reach for a leaf that blew by. Ripping small pieces from it, he asked me how I knew his name.
I felt my face heat up. No doubt he thinks I'm some creepy stalker.
''I work on the yearbook committee and, I remembered you,'' I tried to assure him.
I would be even more creeped out.
''It's just that I like your style and I tend to remember things I like,'' I tried to salvage my reputation.
He nodded. I wasn't sure if he accepted that but he didn't press the issue.
I really did like his style, it reminded me of e- boys that took over the internet. Today he was wearing a black thrasher shirt with a black and white striped long sleeve shirt that gave me Beetlejuice vibes. He paired it with black jeans and white vans.
Kevin stood and stretched out a hand to help me up.
''We should get going, it's going to be dark soon. Where are you heading?'' he asked brushing off his jeans as I pulled down my skirt.
''I'm going that way,'' I said as I pointed in the general direction of my house.
Sure he seems harmless, but I was not going to tell this guy where I lived.
''Me too. Is it okay if we walk together?''
I think he noticed my suspicion because he added, '' I just moved a neighbourhood over,''
I guess that made sense. We began heading home together.
''I like your style,'' I said as we walked.
He chuckled,'' You mentioned it, thanks by the way. We could go shopping together sometime if you want.''
I hated shopping, but going with him seemed kind of fun so I agreed.
..................................................
''Stop. Please...stop,'' I asked between breaths.
My sides and cheeks hurt from laughing. As it turns out Kevin was a joker, an expert at bad puns-my weakness.
He laughed,'' I have another. What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.'' he said before doubling over with laughter.
The joke was only slightly funny, but his laughter was so contagious you just had to laugh with him. Or at him, it wasn't too crystal clear. Without a doubt though, I was having a good time.
''Okay the last one, I promise. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?'' he said after collecting himself.
''What?''
''I don't know and, I don't care,'' he said wheezing, out the last word.
We giggled until I realised that we arrived at my house. That was quicker than usual.
''This is me.''
''We should do this again, it was fun. I know my jokes are lame but, you're the first person to laugh at them if I'm honest.''
I smiled at him,'' They're not that bad and, yeah we should do this again.''
''Bye,'' he said,'' Have a good night,''
''Wait, take my number so you can text me,'' I said.
He handed over his phone and I quickly punched in my digits before I ran up to my door. From there I waved goodbye. He waved back before continuing to walk and, after trying to open the door, twice, it finally opened.
Unsurprisingly, the house was silent. There was a note on the table by the door where the keys were kept. I didn't need to read it to know that my dad was on another trip and my brother was with his girlfriend. Today was the day I was going to try my recipe, I even prepped everything the night before. I was disappointed.
Haven't you learnt to live with it by now?
I needed a shower and a good movie. After the day that I had, I wanted to treat myself. Just as I was about to get in the shower my phone rang. Zack.
''Hey, best friend,''
He was going to ask me for something.
''I know I bailed on you today with the whole movie tradition and not driving you home, but I also need to rain-check on your performance next week,''
''What?'' I asked my voice even.
I knew he knew I was hurt and upset. We've been best friends for the longest time, he knew my different tones.
''I know it's really terrible of me, but Mindy wants me to watch her practise next week.''
Practise? He was going to bail on my play to watch some girl, who he just met, practice? He told me hated doing that.
''You know how important this is to me right?'' he asked, hoping I would agree and understand.
''Okay,'' I said before hanging up.
I stood under the showerhead despite the steam that began to make me dizzy. I tried to block out the hurt and abandonment that I felt. This play was going to decide if I could go to London for spring break. He knew how much I wanted as much support as I could get, but he was flaking to go watch Mindy practise?
Why does this hurt so much?
I should be used to this, being thrown aside until I have a use. I willed myself to get rid of the negative thoughts clouding my head, but it only brought in anger. I didn't care he bailed on movie night, I kind of knew this would happen. I didn't even care that he left me in a car park, but this play was more than important, it was essential for my future. I practised my butt off from this, I even skipped my other clubs to rehearse. My brother and dad said they would be there, but I didn't hold them to it. I hoped my best friend would be there for me when they couldn't. I guess I was just deceiving myself. He always did things like this so I don't know why I'm so surprised. Sometimes I wonder why we were even friends. Maybe it was because we've known each other for so long so we felt the need to hold onto something that's died years ago.
Just because something is comfortable doesn't mean that it's necessary.
I got out of the shower when I couldn't take the heat anymore. I needed to stop stressing. My therapist said to let things go because holding on to too many things can kill me. To be fair, I don't think she has evidence of that, but who am I to reject the words of a professional?
Instead of weighing down my mood with dark thoughts, I decided to watch a movie and put on a face mask. The movie did little to distract me. Why was I never good enough? Not for my best friend, my dad, my brother and not for her.
Before I could delve deeper into my sad, messed up mind I received a message from an unknown number The person sent me a meme and, I just knew it was Kevin. That put a smile on my face, the first one since stepping into the cold, lonely house that I couldn't even call home. That night I slept dreaming of my budding friendship with Kevin, maybe life will turn out better for me in the end.
I looked at myself in the mirror, tilting my head to get a different angle. I tugged the cotton-pink sweater away from my body and criticised it ever so slightly. Should I change it? I still have a bit of time before my students' council meeting. I turned to my closet and ran my hands across the different colours, patterns and materials. I took out a predominantly white tee with sunflowers scattered all across the front. I held it up against my body. My face scrunched up, I wasn't in a sunflower mood so, I decided to stick with the fuzzy pink sweater beside it really complimented my skin tone. ''Are you decent?'' Zack asked, sticking his head in my room. ''What do you think?'' I asked him not taking my eyes from the mirror. ''You look cute. I like it,'' he said and walked into my room. He flopped face-first into my unmade bed and then snuggled with my pillow. That statement was good enough for me. I turned to him and, said I was ready. Zack was on the student council with me so, he
''Can we please talk?'' Zack popped up out of nowhere. I've been trying to avoid him all day but, alas he caught me at a moment of weakness. ''Don't you have to keep your new girlfriend company?'' I asked as I closed my locker to look at him. His eyes looked so sad but, this time I won't give in so easily. I always give in when he bats his rather beautifully long lashes at me. It's rather odd how guys always have long lashes when compared to girls. ''This is more important. You're more important,'' he earnestly tried to convince me. ''Oh, I'm important now? What do you want?'' I asked as I gave him my biggest fake smile. He sighed and ran a hand through his brown curly locks that were getting longer than usual. I must admit that I do miss his natural blond colour, but he hated it. He said it reminded him too much of his mother who he grew to hate as he got older. You know the feeling. ''I'm sorry,'' ''You've been awfully sorry a lot,'' I said. I busied my hands in my loc
I stared hard at the full lunch tray I had in my hands. It was more overflowing than full. Still, I was super excited to eat but, then my stupid therapist and her stupid words of knowledge popped up in my head. 'Food is not love and it definitely isn't the solution. ' Food isn't love but, it's sure damn close though. Has she ever had lasagna after a good cry? Let me tell you it's great. I should suggest it to her. Does she even cry though? She should, right? The image of Dr Marsha's face soaked with tears, eating lasagna was so weird to me, and that's saying something. ''Are you trying to get it to explode?'' I jumped. Zack laughed as I pursed my lips and looked at him, unamused might I add. ''What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be trying to get into Mindy's skirt?'' I asked him, my face blank. ''I always have lunch with you,'' he stated matter of factly with a frown as we both plopped down in our regular seats. Before I said anything Kevin and two people-one girls, one gu
We drove for a while. It took way longer than it would take to get to either of our homes. I wanted to pretend to wake up and ask where we were going; I was just too exhausted to bother or care. I decided to enjoy the ride and the soft humming of music from the radio. "I told Zoa to raincheck on the shopping trip. I hope you don't mind me doing so,'' When I stayed quiet, he continued ''Mindy told me she saw you crying. What's that about?'' Again, I said nothing. ''Could you please stop ignoring me? It's getting on my nerves,'' he stated rather than ask. ''I know you're awake,'' ''What do you want me to say?'' I asked, my eyes still closed. ''I don't know. Just stop pretending that I'm not here,'' I decided not to respond, turning my attention back to the song that was playing. It was Renee by SALES. You got it...You got it...You got My head bobbed to the soothing melody. Music was so therapeutic and, no one could tell me otherwise. I was seriously tempted to ask wher
I stared at the screen not paying it much attention. Instead, my mind was hyper-focused on what had just happened. Was I reading into this too much? Probably. Zack was a very loyal guy so it was probably just a friendly peck on the head. Yeah, that's what it was, a friendly kiss on the head given to me by my best and only friend. My best friend, damn my life. You can say that again. Zack's laughter brought me from my thoughts. As much as he would deny it, this was his favourite movie. Every time he was sad I would put it on and make him some macaroni and cheese with bacon, his favourite dish. I remember the first time we watched Shark Tale actually. It was his fourth birthday and he was not feeling very well so his mother suggested watching a movie instead of a big party like they normally did. For me, that day was special because it was the first time we spent his birthday together, just us. Alone. He was always popular, which meant when he had parties, he was constantly surrounded
I smiled and waved as I watched Zack drive out of the school's car park. Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave. Truth be told I didn't have rehearsals today, well I did but it was not until later. For some reason, the other members of the drama club were busy during the day. I think that's what you call 'having a life' but, I could be wrong. The reason I told everyone that I needed to be at school was because I was ashamed to let them know that I go to therapy. I know I shouldn't be self-conscious that I was getting help. I was more ashamed of the fact that I needed help at all. I've always prided myself on being independent ever since I was young. During my first couple of sessions with Dr Marsha, we went over how okay it was to be self-aware and get assistance when you need it. In fact, she told me she went to therapy herself. I'm not sure if it was to help me feel more comfortable around her or to show that not everyone had perfect mental health. Regardless, it meant nothing
I've been seeing Dr Marsha for a while, her diploma-decorated office walls and the uncomfortable blue couch were so familiar I could draw them in my sleep. There was always the smell of floral Lysol floor cleaners that stuck around even hours after the cleaning lady left. The fake potted palm was in the same place as always- obnoxiously in my space. I swear it gets closer and closer with each visit. Said visits have been going on for over three years and, every time without fail, she would ask me the same question whenever she seems me 'How was your day?' Sometimes when she is feeling spicy she will ask me 'How are you doing?' Honestly, they were the same question. I wonder if she preplans which question or if it's just a spur-of-the-moment type of thing? Nothing with Dr Marsha felt random so it was likely planned. Today she decided to ask me how my day was going. For the first time, I said something besides fine; I finally had something worth saying. ''My brother and I talked tod
I stared at Lucas with tears that unfocused my vision. I don't think I've ever been so relieved to see someone in my house before. Granted, he had a right to be there but, you get the picture. ''You should have told me you were buying. I would have saved my money. In fact, I should be the one to buy since I came up with the idea or at least I think so. You know what it doesn't even matter, I'll put it in the fridge and no you can't have it for breakfast tomorrow,'' Lucas rambled while I continued to stare and smile. ''Okay, what's up with you? Why are you smiling so much and, will you stop staring? It's creeping me out,'' he mentioned as he looked at me weirdly after placing the food he bought in the fridge. I hugged him tightly. I guess I still had my reservations about him actually being there for me. I wasn't sure if this was going to be a one-off situation or if it was going to be forever. I wanted to ask, but I kept quiet. I was afraid that I would scare him into changing his