Lock and Key

I smiled and waved as I watched Zack drive out of the school's car park.

Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave.

Truth be told I didn't have rehearsals today, well I did but it was not until later. For some reason, the other members of the drama club were busy during the day.

I think that's what you call 'having a life' but, I could be wrong.

The reason I told everyone that I needed to be at school was because I was ashamed to let them know that I go to therapy. I know I shouldn't be self-conscious that I was getting help. I was more ashamed of the fact that I needed help at all. I've always prided myself on being independent ever since I was young. During my first couple of sessions with Dr Marsha, we went over how okay it was to be self-aware and get assistance when you need it. In fact, she told me she went to therapy herself. I'm not sure if it was to help me feel more comfortable around her or to show that not everyone had perfect mental health. Regardless, it meant nothing to me because I actually suspected she went to therapy seeing as she was bombarded with other people's problems on an almost daily basis.

Dr Marsha wasn't my first therapist and, I doubt she'll be my last. My first therapist was Dr John Jackson, I went to him when I was five. My dad thought that paying someone else to listen to my problems was better than actually listening to them himself.  Not that he was around much to listen to them anyways. I didn't blame him, who would want to listen to a little girl complain?

Apparently not your dad.

I stood in the car park for a while, simply marinating in my personal inner turmoil. Before long, I realised that I had a session to get to and I didn't want to be late. I liked to reach Dr Marsha's office early because I made a friend who is sometimes waiting when I get there. We've bonded somewhat, not over our problems but, over everything else. I don't even know the person's name, I refer to her as my 'office pal' and, she calls me 'therapy acquaintance'.

I texted my brother and asked him if he could pick me up. As much as the love my brother had for me decreased over the years, he still took me to my sessions when I asked. I have this theory that he feels guilty so he helps me when he can. He shouldn't feel bad as my problems have nothing to do with him. When we were young, he was always there for me. He would protect me and buy my things. He took me to all my practices and came to all my performances but, then he grew up and realised that hanging with your baby sister was weird.

Or it could be something else.

The sound of his car took me out of my thoughts. He rolled down the window on the passenger side to show me that his girlfriend wasn't present and I could sit in the front if I wanted to.

''Hey Lucas,'' I greeted as I slipped into the passenger seat.

He made a noise of acknowledgement before he drove out of the school's compound. My brother, Lucas, is older than I am by six years. He is studying nursing at a university nearby. Studying took up a lot of his time and his friends and social life took up the rest. This meant he wasn't home much. I've gotten used to the loneliness, a skill I know will help me when I go to Julliard by myself.

Lucas looked like our dad with our mother's eyes. He was tall, around 6 ft., he had dark brown waves that he wore low and light-brownish green eyes that looked okay with the rest of his face. He didn't look anything special but other people seemed delighted by him.

''You weren't home last night,'' he said after some moments of silent driving.

You're never home, so what does it matter if I'm not?

That's what I wanted to say, but I decided it was best to keep my mouth shut.

''Yeah,'' was what I settled on.

''Where were you?'' he questioned.

I thought for a second, do I want to be difficult? or do I want to just tell him so that I can be left alone?

''I was with Zack,'' I chose to co-operate. 

Sometimes cooperating is better than causing unnecessary trouble.

He glanced over at me briefly and nodded slowly. We were back to the familiar silence and I let my mind wander to the future.

''Did you guys you know... do anything?'' he asked

I stared at him for a very long time. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cringe.

''Why are you doing this?'' Lucas speaking more than two words to me was so peculiar. It was really putting me off. He just shrugged.

''How's therapy?'' he whispered as if someone would hear him from inside the car.

Why was this taking so long? I don't remember Dr Marsha's office being so far from here.

I sighed because I knew he wouldn't give up until I answered at least one of his questions.

''Therapy is the same as it has always been. Do you want something from me, Lucas?'' I decided to get straight to the point.

''No, I was just making conversation.''

''Why?''

He hasn't tried to 'make conversation' in over five years.

''Is it a crime to talk to you?'' he asked

''No,'' I said and looked out of the window.

I watched the different buildings and cars pass us by, my mind envisioning a person running and somersaulting to keep up with the vehicle.

''I was talking to Emma the other day and, she asked how you were,''

Emma was Lucas' girlfriend, she was really kind to me. In fact, she once gave me a sweater for my birthday, it was actually the fuzzy pink one I wore to school earlier that week.

''The thing is that I didn't know what to say to her. If she asked me that when we were younger, I would know what to say, you know. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want us to go back to how we were before everything, you get it?'' he said.

I sat quietly and absorbed what he said. I certainly was not expecting that today. Would he have told me this if I didn't ask him to pick me up?

''Okay,'' 

''Okay? What does that mean?'' I could tell he was getting annoyed at my lack of enthusiastic participation.

''Do you remember when you would get nightmares and sneak into my room? Do you remember how I would read the Velevtine Rabbit to you?'' he asked me fondly.

I nodded, it was one of my favourite memories of us.

''I want that back. I want us to be able to talk without it being weird for either of us. I don't want you to think that I want something from you when I say hi,''

''Do you remember why I stopped talking to you?''

His face fell at my question, and he slowly nodded.

Even though he knew I continued,'' You told me you didn't want to be bothered with a messed up little girl anymore. You said that to me when I was crying about my best friend ditching me on the first day of high school and the fact that I got shoved into a locker so hard I had a headache for the rest of the week. I came to you at school hoping you'd be there for me but, you just tossed me aside like yesterday's newspaper,''

''I'm sorry,'' he whispered. His eyes were trained on the road and he held on tightly to the steering wheel.

''Why now?'' I asked, genuinely curious.

''I realised how terrible of a brother I have been to you, and I want to make it up to you,'' his voice trembled slightly.

I sniffled and wiped my eyes, when did I start crying?

''I'm really sorry Key,''

Key was what he used to call me and, I would call him Lucas the Lock or just Lock for short. We were Lock and Key, we both needed each other.

I hadn't realised we had arrived.

''I promise I won't abandon you anymore Key. I'll always be there for you,'' he said quietly.

It was like if we spoke any louder, the world would be aware of our problems.

''Do you want to cook together after your session today? We could try that chicken recipe you wanted,'' he asked when I remained quiet.

''I have rehearsals,''

''Oh yeah, you're doing a re-enactment of Taming of the Shrew, right?''

''I am. Are you still coming?'' I questioned, unsure of his answer.

''I wouldn't miss it for the world. I promise I'll be a better brother,''

''After practice, we could go get Chinese,'' I offered.

He smiled and nodded softly, ''I would really like that,''

''I suppose I should go, don't wanna be late,'' I mentioned as I opened the car door.

''Bye,'' he said and waved.

I waved back. When I got inside my office pal wasn't there but, I wasn't upset about it.