CHAPTER 16

ELIAS

Saying Mommy is very, very bad.

That woman said I shouldn't say it. She said she didn't want to be my mommy.

When Auntie Elena said it today, my tummy hurt. My chest hurts real bad. I wanted my Daddy. 

Daddy always makes it better.

She didn't like it when I talked. She didn't like looking at me, then she would shout. 'Be quiet!'. I didn't like when she shouted. Sometimes I cried after, and she hated that too. 'Stop crying!' she'd say. I wanted her to be happy, so I stayed quiet like she wanted. I got very good at being quiet.

Daddy says I used to talk all the time. Maybe that's why things got bad.

Now people ask me things and I don't answer. 'What do you want? Are you hungry? Why won't you talk?' I don't know how to explain it. The words just don't come out anymore, so I stopped trying to make them.

Daddy still asks sometimes. He sits next to me and waits. I look at him. He looks back. Then he smiles, and I like when my daddy smiles, it makes me very happy. She didn't like when I smile.

I wish I could talk to my Daddy, Uncle Edward, Granny and Grandpops, Grandma Carter and Auntie Elena too but I do not know how to because talking is very bad.

I like Auntie Elena.

She's nice. She gives me food without forcing me. She lets me sit close. She never tells me I have to talk... she just talks enough for both of us, I like that, because then I don't have to think of anything to say.

Sometimes she gets mad at her books. I don't understand that. Books can't hear her. Sometimes she says something funny and I want to laugh. I like sitting next to her while she studies. She has so many books, and she says she wants to be a doctor one day like Doc- McStuffins. Doctors are scary, they give you boo-boos. But I don't mind auntie Elena being a doctor, she won't make my boo-boo hurt.

I like Auntie Elena's face, she's so pretty. Like Princess Peach.

I didn't mean to scare her today. I wanted to say sorry. I wanted the words to come, just this once, just for her. They didn't. They got stuck, the way they always do.

Mommy.

I hate that word. It's a bad word.

Sometimes I remember her voice. Sometimes I remember her hands. Sometimes there's a door in my head, and I'm scared on the other side of it, and I don't remember what happened next. My head hurts if I try to remember on my own, so I don't try anymore.

I think about Auntie Elena instead. That's easier.

Auntie Elena smells nice. She smiles at me a lot. Her hands are warm when she holds mine. She reads to me sometimes, and tells me I'm  a good boy.

I want to be a good boy. 

Maybe if I'm good enough, Auntie Elena won't leave like she left. I don't want that. I don't want Daddy sad again either. And I really don't want that woman to come back.

She scares me.

I really want to be a good boy. I want to eat. I want to play. I like sitting next to Auntie Elena while she looks at big books and pretend I understand her big books. I can fall asleep without my chest feeling tight.

But then that word comes back.....Mommy.... and everything feels scary all over again, like the monster is coming for me.

So I won't say it. Not ever.

I'll just stay quiet, the way she always wanted.

Maybe if I'm quiet enough, nothing bad happens this time.