Chapter 4: Precaution

I slowly peeled my eyes open. I was bewildered, wondering where I was and how I was here. But then the memory from last night flashed me.

That husky voice... Those calloused hands... Those wet lips were worshipping my whole body until all I could do was scream his name...

I froze from the realization. Not only that, in my peripheral vision, there was a bulk figure beside me, making my blood drain from my face as soon as I saw the tangle of sheets, the discarded pieces of my clothing on the floor, and him—Commander Lucretius—sleeping beside me.

My body was immobilized as I held my breath. The blood from my face drained completely.

Oh, my dear Moon Goddess! What had I done?!

I instantly got up so fast to the point that the ache between my thighs reminded me of the ecstasy night I experienced. I gripped the sheets, suddenly crossing in my mind his touch.

Shame and regret started to gnaw at my chest, feeling like I was about to pass out.

I was a royal soldier, bound by duty and honor, practicing celibacy until the day I got married to my mate, yet here I was sleeping in the same bed with a man I barely knew.

I could never redo this. My reputation... My beliefs...

I decided to take my clothes, my fingers trembling as I pulled my tunic over my head. Commander Lucretius stirred from his sleep as I halted from dressing up, afraid that I had woken him up.

When I made certain that he didn't wake up, staring intently at his handsome features, I made haste, grabbing my boots hit the floorboards with a soft thud. I didn't even care if that sound would wake him up. I just wanted to leave the place as soon as possible.

But before I could stand up, despite the pain between my legs, my heart flipped out of my ribcage when his hand caught my wrist, shivers running down my spine. As I turned, I softly gasped upon seeing his awakened state, looking so stunning even though he had just woken up.

"Leaving me already, my little soldier?" he asked in a groggy tone.

I hastily yanked my hand away when I felt myself weakened from his touch.

"T-This was a mistake. I-I have to go."

And then I stormed, not waiting for him to say anything. I ignored the pain I felt and ran as fast as I could. My heart was pounding so fast, sprinting more as if that could help me forget the memory of his hands, his voice, the way he made me feel, and the way he pleased me.

This was wrong. I knew this was wrong.

May the Moon Goddess forgive me. I didn't mean to...

I returned to the Starry Shadows Pack, full of guilt and misery from the mistaken night. I couldn't believe that I let myself succumb to another man's touch when Redmund couldn't even do that to me.

"Gamma Euphyllia, I haven't seen you since yesterday. Where have you been?"

I was startled when I came to meet Devika, one of the eldest people here in our pack, as I was on my way to the infirmary. I quickly composed myself and bowed before her. "Madam Devika, greetings." I simply gripped the hem of my tunic. "I have been out to visit a friend that's why I wasn't here," I replied to her question.

I must act like everything was alright since yesterday, even though I had spiral events that until now, I was still processing. I wanted to cry now, but I had a business I need to do in the infirmary before I returned to the pack house.

"I see." Devika nodded and slightly tilted her head. "You look exhausted. You should take some rest."

"I will." Nodding, I watched her leave before I proceeded to the infirmary. I fluttered my eyelids. I wanted to take a bath, too, and remove what had loitered in my body. As soon as I arrived at my destination, I didn't waste any time and approached Doctor Kairos, our pack doctor.

"Oh, Gamma, how may I help you?" he asked, greeting me with a warm smile.

His fatherly tone and gentle question almost broke me. "I am in need of a potion of fertility control, Doctor Kairos."

He was about to write something that was on his clipboard, but halted in mid-air, his eyes looked surprised at my request. "Oh..."

I held my breath. I knew that reaction.

I knew why he was surprised. A royal soldier like me, who was devoted to celibacy before marriage, had come to ask our pack doctor for some fertility control. Not only that, no one knew that I had already met my mate, except for Lilith.

Suddenly thinking of my best friend made my stomach churn upside down.

"Alright," Doctor Kairos said with a smile.

I almost melted from the tension, but I was able to fix myself. "And I need some medicine for a hangover, too," I added, trying to calm myself down.

Don't panic, Euphyllia. Don't panic.

I waited if Doctor Kairos would question the things I asked for, but he just nodded and went to the medicine cabinet. "Grab some breakfast after you take these. Alright?" His lips curved into a gentle smile. "And take a rest and get a lukewarm bath."

The heat on my cheeks highlighted as I took them and nodded. It looked like he knew what I had up to. Or so I thought.

"T-Thank you," I muttered before I scurried out of the infirmary, not even daring to look back at anyone I knew.

I locked myself up in my room as soon as I arrived at the pack house and hastily took the potion for hangover that Doctor Kairos prescribed. And lastly, I stared at the vial of the fertility control in my hand.

I might have been inexperienced when it came to sexual intercourse, but I knew how to prevent pregnancy. I pressed my thighs together, feeling the mixed essence of mine and his. So, I knew that there was a probability I could get pregnant, and only the fertility control would prevent that.

This was a precaution. I nodded to my own thought.

As I drank it, the image of Commander Lucretius's sinful body came to my mind. I shut my eyes and slapped my face, punishing myself before going for a bath.

I scrubbed myself thoroughly to remove his scent that lingered on me. I felt dirty from doing it to another man. I couldn't believe that because of how drunk I was, I had become bolder and challenged a royal commander not in a sparring but in bed.

I could never forgive myself. I could never face Commander Lucretius ever again.

I could never face Redmund, too...

But the mere thought of my mate was enough to make my blood boil. The way he and Lilith betrayed me behind my back felt like something awakened inside me.

Tears cascaded down my cheeks. I couldn't believe that they would do this to me.

"Redmund... Why?" I cried out his name while washing myself.

I had done everything for him to help him become a captain six months ago, while our relationship had to be hidden, yet he would betray me like this. He had used me for his own benefit and never wanted me in the first place.

Now, I could understand that he only harbored power, the same pattern I experienced in my past lives. Sooner or later, he would discard me once he raised another of a higher rank.

As for my best friend, Lilith, I had trusted her. To think that she also harbored feelings for my mate, when Redmund wasn't her mate. I thought that we would grow old having our mates by our side as we promised, but why did she do this to me?

I looked at myself in the mirror that was hanging in the bathroom. I stared at my miserable self, observing my facial structure.

My eyes held a gray hue that shimmered with silver whenever sunlight touched them, a protruding nose, red, rosy lips, and a good, proportional face. In our pack, I was counted among the most beautiful, alongside Lilith. I was also a smart one and had an understanding of military tactical doctrine, even though I was just a tactical keeper.

What was wrong with me that Redmund couldn't be so proud of me to announce to the world about our relationship?

What did Lilith have that I didn't have that he'd rather be intimate with her than me?

Was it because I was in a low military rank position and wasn't one of the privates? Because my role wasn't combat-focused?

Was that it?

If that was it, Redmund should know that even if I didn't carry much in battlefield respect, in considering the difference of Lilith and my rank, my rank was above hers.

We were in the same rank in the pack, too. How come she was noticed while I had to beg him to spend some time with me?

What was I lacking? What else did Redmund want?

Or perhaps, was it because I couldn't give myself to him? That he had been trying to ask me to we should do the mating ritual without marking each other, but I just refused him.

I wanted to confront them, but I was too cowardly to do it, so I chose to turn my back instead. It was hard to digest what I saw, and I even had to pinch myself to see if I was having a nightmare, but the reality slapped me really hard.

I bit my lower lip so hard that I felt the tangy taste of metallic liquid in my tongue. I even had to wipe my tears that won't stop falling until my eyes focused on the loofah.

Commander Lucretius crossed in my mind, and our rendezvous night of ecstasy. Even though the alcohol influenced me, I could vividly remember what we did. I remember deciding that I wanted to forget.

Rage filled my blood from the realization. Perhaps, sleeping with Commander Lucretius wasn't so bad at all. If Redmund would betray me, then I could do the same thing to him. He wasn't the only one who could be another person who wasn't even their mate.

This might be a retaliation for the betrayal I witnessed, yet it felt so wrong and right at the same time. Perhaps, I must thank Commander Lucretius, but a simpleton like me would be hardly noticed by him.

"What do I do now?" I asked myself, feeling empty and exhausted from everything. 

It felt like I lost everything I had since yesterday. There were so many things that happened yesterday that I had a hard time processing.

Not only that, I still had mysteries I wanted to resolve.

My past lives...

The reality of reincarnation... 

I wanted to know why I had memories of them. Why did it trigger as soon as I saw the betrayal of my mate and my best friend? Why did I experience the same pain even in my past lives? 

Was the Moon Goddess trying to send me a message? Could this be a blessing or a curse? 

"Ah!" I screamed in agony as my face was buried in my pillow. "What should I do now, Moon Goddess?" My voice muffled, drowning in my own misery.