Chapter 5- Is It Love?

Olivia

Noah had officially asked me to be his girlfriend.

I didn't answer with words.

I answered by kissing him.

His lips curved against mine before he deepened the kiss, stealing every coherent thought from my mind. I had been kissed before, but nothing had ever felt like this. There was confidence in the way he held me, patience in the way he explored every hesitant response I gave him, as if he wanted me to discover that side of myself at my own pace.

Then he paused.

Without taking his eyes off me, he reached behind him and quietly locked the bathroom door.

My heartbeat stumbled.

His gaze never left mine.

For the first time that evening, reality came crashing back.

I was twenty years old.

And I was still a virgin.

A thousand anxious thoughts collided inside my head. Would he think I was inexperienced? Would he laugh? Did he have protection? Would I disappoint him?

"…Noah?" I finally spoke. My quivering voice was shy.

He brushed his thumb across my cheek.

"Yeah?"

I swallowed.

"Do you… have a condom?"

A soft chuckle escaped him.

"I never leave home without one."

His smile widened.

"And if I somehow forgot, I'm pretty sure Jason has enough to supply the entire football team."

I laughed despite my nerves.

Then I took a shaky breath.

"There's something you should know."

His expression softened immediately.

"What is it?"

"I'm a virgin."

The words barely escaped above a whisper.

For a heartbeat, he simply stared at me.

Then he smiled—a genuine, boyish smile that reached those impossible blue eyes.

"You're serious?"

I nodded.

"And I want you to be my first."

His lips found the tip of my nose before he whispered,

"I'd be honored."

Every ounce of fear melted away.

He pulled me out of the bathroom and led me to Jason's bedroom.

That night, he kept every promise he made.

"I'll go slowly."

"I won't rush you."

"I won't move until you're comfortable."

He treated me with a tenderness I'd never experienced before.

He was a true gentleman.

...

Now I'm startled back to reality.

Morning arrived far too quickly.

The memory faded, giving way to the ache of the present.

Everything between Noah and me had changed.

Once, every touch had been slow, careful, almost reverent.

Now... Everything felt rushed.

Mechanical.

As though he were trying to satisfy a need instead of making love to the woman he claimed to love.

Still...

My heart refused to see what was right in front of me.

"I love you, Noah," I whispered, the words slipping from my lips as naturally as breathing.

He didn't answer.

Instead, he buried his face against my neck, and I convinced myself that his silence meant comfort rather than avoidance.

Maybe he simply wasn't good with words anymore.

People can change, right?

Maybe I was expecting too much.

Maybe...

I had become far too good at making excuses for him.

When everything finally settled, I lay beside him trying to steady my breathing.

For one beautiful, fragile moment, I allowed myself to believe we'd found our way back to each other.

Then he laughed.

"Why can't you be this spontaneous all the time?" he said.

His grin lingered for only a second before he added,

"You're usually so dull."

The words stole the air from my lungs.

I stared blankly at the ceiling.

Surely I'd misunderstood him.

Only seconds earlier, I'd been wrapped in his arms, believing we were reconnecting.

Now I felt...

Embarrassed.

Ashamed.

Like I'd somehow disappointed the man I loved without even realizing it.

He didn't seem to notice the silence that followed.

Or maybe...

He noticed and simply didn't care.

A few moments later, he rolled onto his side and looked at me.

"So..." he said lightly. "Shower?"

His tone was playful.

Carefree.

As if he hadn't just fractured something inside me.

I forced a smile.

"Can we talk first?"

The expression on his face changed almost instantly.

A flicker of irritation crossed his eyes before he sighed and rubbed a hand over his face.

"I have to leave. Remember my trip to New York tomorrow, Liv?"

His voice was flat.

"So... make it quick," he added.

Another tiny crack.

Another little disappointment.

I wrapped the bedsheet around myself before sitting up.

"I know we've talked about this before..."

I hesitated.

"...but would you ever think about moving in with me?" I finished.

He didn't answer right away.

Instead, he sat up, resting his elbows on his knees.

His shoulders tensed.

His jaw tightened.

"We've been over this, Olivia."

"I know." I swallowed. "But we've also been together for four years."

I was trying to understand what his eyes were trying to tell me, but he barely looked at me.

"I moved to Northern Virginia because I wanted a future with you," I added.

His eyes drifted toward the bedroom window.

"So now you're saying I dragged you here?"

"No." I shook my head. "That's not what I'm saying."

"You literally just said you moved because of me."

For a split second, I almost reminded him.

I almost reminded him that it had been his idea.

That late-night conversation after we'd made love... "Why don't you move up north with me, Liv?"

Those words had changed the direction of my life.

Instead...

I chose a loud silence.

"I moved because I love you."

The room fell silent.

The kind of silence that presses against your chest until it becomes difficult to breathe.

Finally, he spoke.

"How would living together change anything?"

I looked at him, searching desperately for the man I'd fallen in love with.

"It wouldn't change how I feel about you," he uttered.

"It would change our lives," I tried to make sense. "We'd wake up together." I forced a smile. "We'd come home together."

"We'd stop saying goodbye every Sunday." At this point my voice was quivering like a faulty building after an earthquake.

His expression never softened.

"Or..."

He shrugged.

"Maybe we'd ruin what we already have."

Those words hurt more than I expected. Did he have any idea of the damage he was causing?

Because they weren't really about moving in.

They were about us.

I searched his face one last time.

Looking for hesitation.

Regret.

Anything.

But there was nothing.

Slowly, I climbed out of bed, reached for my robe, and tied it around my waist with trembling fingers.

Without saying a word, I gathered his clothes from the floor and laid them neatly beside him.

"I think you should head home."

He looked at me, surprised.

"You said you had an early morning."

I leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss against his forehead.

Not because I wanted to.

Because I didn't trust myself to kiss him anywhere else without crying.

Then I walked into the bathroom and quietly closed the door behind me.

The moment the hot water hit my skin, every tear I'd been holding back finally escaped.

I slid down against the cool tile wall and buried my face in my hands.

This wasn't about Amelia and James.

It never had been.

I wasn't jealous of their engagement.

I was happy for them.

What hurt was realizing how desperately I wanted the kind of future I'd always imagined with Noah.

I wasn't asking for a ring.

I wasn't asking him to marry me.

I wasn't asking for children.

I was only asking him to come home.

And somehow...

That felt like asking for everything.

***

I reached across the bed out of habit, searching for Noah's warmth. And my fingers met nothing but cool, wrinkled sheets.

A sigh escaped me.

Saturday mornings used to be my favorite.

We'd stay in bed until noon, tangled in blankets, arguing over what to eat for breakfast before inevitably deciding to make pancakes together.

Those mornings had slowly disappeared.

So slowly...

I hadn't realized they were gone until they became memories.

Four years.

Four beautiful, complicated years.

Somewhere along the way, the man who couldn't bear to spend a single night away from me had become the man who barely spent weekends in my bed.

When had that happened?

I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment.

But it hurt to know that we were there.

Maybe because love doesn't always fall apart in one dramatic explosion.

Sometimes...

It slips away so quietly you don't notice it's gone until the silence becomes unbearable. Until the silence begins to make noise.

I pulled on an oversized sweatshirt and wandered downstairs. I was all alone.

I sat on the couch, pretending to watch some random show unfolding on the screen. The television played quietly in the background, but I wasn't watching it. I wasn't paying attention. I was physically there, but my mind was absent.

My thoughts were still trapped in last night's conversation.

"You're usually so dull."

The words replayed over and over.

Maybe he hadn't meant them.

Maybe he was joking.

Maybe I was being overly sensitive.

None of those explanations made them hurt any less.

We were right in the middle of an exquisite love-making trance, at least, that's what it was for me. And then Noah crushed me. I sank my nails on his back. I was at the apex of a soul-shattering orgasm.

His thrusts were hard and fast.

My hips could barely keep up with his.

I was a moaning orchesta.

And he said, "You are usually so dull."

My climax was scared away. Like a terrified cat that jumps across the floor.

I lied there.

Waiting for him to finish.

And those thoughts echoed in my memory.

Two hours later, the front door swung open.

Laughter drifted inside before Amelia and James appeared in the entryway.

Freshly engaged.

Still glowing.

Still completely wrapped up in one another.

"Morning, Liv!"

I forced a smile.

"Hey."

Amelia studied me for exactly three seconds before narrowing her eyes.

"What happened?"

I blinked.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't do that."

She kicked off her shoes and walked toward me.

"I've known you for four years, Liv."

She examined my face once more.

"I know your happy face," she sat next to me. " And I know your fake happy face, too."

I had tears in the corner of my eyes. This damn girl knew me so well.

"And whatever this is..."

She gently cupped my cheek.

"...I've never seen before."

My throat tightened.

God...

She knew me far too well.

I looked away before the tears threatening my eyes could betray me.

My throat tightened.

She knew me far too well.

Before I could say anything, I forced another smile.

"I'm glad you guys had fun," I said, highlighting the conversation on their night.

I then stood up "I need to run to Target. Do either of you need anything?"

They both shook their heads.

I practically fled upstairs.

Halfway through changing, a soft knock sounded on my bedroom door.

"Can I come in?" Amelia asked.

I smiled weakly.

"Of course."

She closed the door behind her before sitting on my bed and pulling me next to her.

"Is everything okay, Olivia?"

Whenever she called me Olivia instead of Liv, I knew she was serious.

Just like when your mom used your full name.

I looked down at my hands.

"I really don't want to talk about it."

"Olivia Baker."

Her voice softened. "Please stop pretending you're okay."

Something inside me finally broke.

The tears I'd fought so hard to control came rushing back.

Within seconds, I found myself wrapped safely in Amelia's arms.

She didn't interrupt.

She didn't offer advice.

She simply held me until I could breathe again.

When I finally spoke, the words poured out.

I told her about last night.

About asking Noah to move in

About how quickly the conversation had turned into an argument.

And finally...

About the one sentence I couldn't stop hearing.

"You're usually so dull."

Amelia closed her eyes for a moment.

"Oh, Liv... I'm so sorry."

I wiped at my cheeks, embarrassed by how easily I'd fallen apart.

"Promise me something," I asked.

"Anything."

"Please don't tell James."

She looked at me with complete certainty.

"You are my best friend," she reassured me. "I would never betray your trust."

Relief washed over me.

She squeezed my hands.

"I have a better idea."

"What?"

"We're going shopping."

I laughed through my tears.

"For what?"

"For the outfit that's going to make everyone in that presentation room forget how to breathe."

Despite everything, I smiled.

"I love you."

"I know."

She smiled back.

"I love you too."

Then another thought hit me.

"But... shouldn't you stay with James?" I sighed. "You two are engaged now."

She rolled her eyes dramatically.

"I'll still be engaged when we get back."

A few minutes later, we headed downstairs together. James looked up from the kitchen.

"Everything okay?"

Amelia answered before I could.

"Liv needs a confidence boost."

He looked confused.

"So we're stealing her for a little shopping trip," she added.

He smiled.

"Sounds like a good plan."

Then his expression changed ever so slightly.

"Where's Noah?"

"He left for New York with his parents this morning."

James frowned. "What?"

I tilted my head. "He didn't tell you?"

For the briefest moment, something unreadable crossed his face.

Gone almost as quickly as it appeared.

"Oh..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Right. I must've forgotten."

The answer felt strange.

James and Noah talked every day.

Still...

I let it go.

"I just need to stop by the office first," James said as he grabbed his keys. "I forgot a file for Monday."

The drive to Tyson's Corner took less than half an hour.

Amelia and I planned to wait in the car, but James insisted on showing us a scale model his team was building for a new stadium project.

"You'll love it," he promised.

And curiosity got the better of me.

We followed him inside.

The commercial division occupied the ninth floor, and despite it being Saturday, several employees were still working.

"Congratulations!" one of them called as James stepped off the elevator.

Word of the engagement had apparently spread quickly.

Then another voice echoed through the office.

"The man of the hour!"

I looked up.

Mr. Myers.

Standing beside him...

Mrs. Myers.

I stopped walking.

Every thought in my head came to an abrupt halt.

Why were they here?

Weren't they supposed to be in New York...

With Noah?

Mrs. Myers walked straight past me and pulled Amelia into a warm hug.

"I heard you got engaged!" she exclaimed. "I'll pay for your honeymoon—but don't wait too long, or I might change my mind."

Everyone laughed.

I couldn't.

My eyes kept drifting back to Mr. and Mrs. Myers.

Something wasn't right.

"Olivia?"

I blinked.

Mr. Myers had apparently asked me something.

"I'm sorry?"

He smiled kindly.

"When are you and Noah taking the next step?"

The question caught me completely off guard.

I forced a smile.

"Whenever he's ready... I guess."

The words tasted bitter.

Mr. Myers nodded, completely unaware of the storm brewing inside me.

James cleared his throat and gestured toward the model.

"Come on. I'll show you what we've been working on."

I followed him automatically.

But my thoughts never left the question echoing in my mind.

If Noah wasn't in New York with his parents...

Then where the fuck was he?

That question followed me for the rest of the weekend.

And for the first time in four years...

A tiny crack appeared in the certainty I'd always felt whenever I thought about us.