Tonight wasn't about looking backward

By the time dinner was over and the speeches had ended, my duties as Sophie's bridesmaid were officially behind me.

I kicked off my heels beneath the table, earning a laugh from one of the other bridesmaids.

"About time," she teased.

"My feet surrendered an hour ago."

She wasn't wrong.

The wedding had been everything Sophie deserved. Beautiful, elegant, and filled with so much love that it almost made you believe happy endings came easy.

Watching Sophie and Daniel steal glances at each other across the dance floor made me smile.

They looked... peaceful.

Certain.

I hoped they stayed that way.

The DJ switched songs, and before I knew it, the dance floor filled with people attempting the Electric Slide.

Someone grabbed my hand.

"C'mon, Mylene!"

I laughed as I was pulled into the crowd.

I hadn't line danced in years, but somehow my feet remembered every step. Soon I was laughing with friends I'd grown up with in San Diego, people I hadn't seen since before I left for college in Washington.

For a little while...

I forgot.

I forgot about the date.

I forgot about the questions.

I forgot about the life that almost was.

When the song ended, I slipped away from the dance floor, slightly out of breath.

A server walked by carrying a tray of tropical cocktails.

"Mai Tai?" he offered.

"Please."

The first sip was sweet, smooth, and dangerously easy to drink.

I barely noticed my fingers reaching for the small necklace resting against my collarbone.

It was instinct now.

The delicate silver chain had become something of a security blanket over the years.

My thumb traced the tiny pendant.

And just like that...

Him.

His laugh.

The way he'd look at me like I was the only person in the room.

The sound of his voice telling me everything was going to be okay.

My chest tightened.

I took another sip.

Then another.

The music grew louder, drowning out the memories before they had a chance to settle.

Someone called my name from across the room.

I smiled, set my empty glass on a passing tray, and accepted another Mai Tai before making my way back toward the dance floor.

Tonight wasn't about looking backward.

It was about celebrating Sophie.

Even if my heart insisted on wandering somewhere seven years in the past.

I lifted my glass toward the newlyweds as they shared another kiss in the center of the dance floor.

"To forever," I whispered.

The words tasted bittersweet.

I finished my drink before anyone could notice the tears threatening to spill.

I lost count after my third Mai Tai.

Or maybe it was the fourth.

Somewhere in between, someone shoved a tiny shot glass into my hand.

"To the bride and groom!"

We all cheered.

The liquid burned all the way down.

A few songs later, someone else handed me another.

I didn't even ask what it was.

I just smiled, clinked glasses, and drank.

Anything to keep my mind occupied.

The reception was alive.

People crowded the dance floor, grandparents swayed to old love songs, children ran between tables, and every few minutes the room erupted into cheers for Sophie and Daniel.

Every sweet moment they shared was followed by another sip from my glass.

When he kissed her forehead...

Sip.

When she rested her head on his shoulder during their first dance...

Sip.

When they laughed because Daniel forgot part of his speech...

Another sip.

I told myself I was celebrating.

Maybe part of me was.

The other part was trying not to remember.

I hadn't felt like this in a long time.

Not since...

Well, I tried not to think about *that* day.

I'd spent years building a life that didn't revolve around what happened seven years ago. I finished college. Started my career. Moved from one city to another. Met new people.

Life moved forward.

So did I.

Most days.

But tonight was different.

Maybe it was watching someone else begin forever.

Maybe it was October 18.

Maybe it was simply being surrounded by people who remembered the version of me that existed before everything changed.

Whatever it was, every wall I'd spent years building suddenly felt paper thin.

I reached for my necklace again.

The silver pendant rested between my fingers.

I closed my eyes.

His smile.

His laugh.

The way he always reached for my hand without thinking.

The memories came so easily tonight.

Too easily.

"Whoa."

I blinked as the room swayed ever so slightly.

Okay...

Maybe I'd had enough to drink.

I laughed quietly to myself and set my empty glass on the nearest cocktail table.

The band had switched to a slow song.

Couples drifted onto the dance floor, holding each other close as if no one else existed.

I looked away.

For years, I'd convinced myself I was over it.

That I'd made peace with the past.

That the memories no longer had the power to hurt me.

Tonight proved I had been lying to myself.

I wasn't missing a wedding.

I was mourning the life I never got to live.

And somehow...

That grief still knew exactly where to find me.