Aiden takes me to the ballet studio. I blush and giggle inside. So this is what it feels like to fall for a guy. Zander is in the back of my head. He will always be there. My first crush will always live in my memory. We didn't date, but he left his magic on me. And magic lasts forever. The memory of Zander is there, but I won't let it spoil my feelings for Aiden. The dance studio is larger than the one at Stanford. This is Concord Heights, and the walls are made of gold, and angels enchant the hardwood floor. The dancers of Concord Heights go on to study at Julliard. I would be honored to be among them. My ankles feel the footwork within. I remember plies and pirouettes. I can sense them in my ankles and toes. My accident came with a price; the ticking bomb in my ankle is my tumor. My foot tumor is painful. My parents spent thousands of dollars to have it removed. It came back with a silent vengeance. Vengeance stole my talents and dreams from me. I'm a dreamer without a dream. A
I've agreed to be Madame Claire Dumont's newest student. The truth of these words hasn't hit me yet. It hasn't struck me yet. I'm still not sure my body is capable of dancing. My ankle hurts and aches. I've worn a mask to hide this pain for a long time. Pain killers no longer work for me. Their effects are for everyone else. Everyone else is stronger than me. They can hold out and embrace their pain. I've let it turn me bitter. Sometimes I blame my asshole ways on the drugs that I take...it's the person I am now—the person I'm supposed to be staring back at me in the mirror. My pain has ended my various friendships. I wasn't there for Brittany when Kyle ended their long bullshit relationship. Maybe I should have been there, so I have someone to celebrate this victory with. Instead, I have Aiden Buckland, the man I'm falling for but don't know how to tell. He knows I like him. But he doesn't know how much. He doesn't know how much he means to me. How much his kindness has jump-start
Our date was amazing. Fireworks live within me. With each handhold and touch, new colors burst out of me. "You look happy this morning?" Mom says. I haven't spoken to my mother in ages. Not really. She's been off in her own little world. She goes to work early and comes back late. "Do I?" "Are you and Aiden still dating?" Dad interrupts."Yes, daddy. We're still dating. It's only been a month or so.""Well, keep that smile on your face in check," Dad warns as he leaves. Dad has a problem with me dating boys. "Zander came by here looking for you. How is Brittany? You haven't seen her in ages. How is she?" Mom asks.Now I'm annoyed. I don't want to talk about Brittany. I don't want to think about her and Kyle. "We aren't friends anymore, mom."It sounds awful when I say it out loud. I was tired of being under her control. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to let go? I never knew how to let go, how liberating it truly is. Letting go of Brittany took courage. Courage I didn't know I ha
Aiden Buckland and his touch are still tattooed on my body. Tattoos last forever, and so does the memory of touch. Touch has memory. Memory is a powerful thing that transcends everything else. I get ready to leave the house. I'm distracted in the shower. My nakedness feels exposed somehow. My sixteenth birthday is in a week. I have no friends to celebrate with. No one but Aiden to celebrate my womanhood with.Womanhood is powerful, and even without friends, I still wish to celebrate. Sixteen is the year most girls lose their virginity and get wild. Or that's what I've come to understand. I place clothes around the frame of my body. I feel lost without Aiden's warm touch. He guided me back to myself. He brought me back to ballet—the doorbell rings. I know it's Aiden waiting to take me on an adventurous date. He's romantic...he's brave...It's Zander? What the fuck? I blush and close the door. Mother comes waltzing in to save the day as usual. Her slippers drag across the floor, leavi
Zander and I are still kissing in the woods. I know what I've done. I've become a cheater. I'm confused and torn again. But Zander's my dearest friend, and we've found each other again. He loves me, and I love him.Zander and I pull away from each other. We hear a rustle in the leaves. It's Stephanie Burnham. She knows the truth about Zander and me. I know it. "Ash, is that you? I haven't seen you in weeks. You haven't returned any of my calls or texts.""I'm sorry. I've been occupied with Aiden."When I say Aiden's name, Zander backs away from me. It pains me to see him this way. Then, without thinking, I grab his hand in front of Steph. "Ash, stop it...okay? I'm fine, just go.""Did something happen between you two?" Stephanie asks. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of hiding myself. "Yes, something did happen.""Ashley, drop it," Zander begs. "I can't, Zander. She needs to know. Someone needs to know.""Know what? What's going on here?" Steph is at the edge of her seat. She's waiti
I head to the dance studio. My dad's car smells like old socks. Stephanie is with me. "Tell me about you. What's really going on?""When you left...I was sad. Brittany didn't seem like a real friend. She was girly, she wasn't you, but she was there. Then I noticed Zander. We hung out. She told me to stay away. So I did. I missed him. When they turned sixteen, I kissed Zander at his birthday party. He kissed me back. I got scared, and Aiden suggested we pretend to date to get back at him. I agreed. It was stupid. Then there was a spark with Aiden. And then I was torn between the two of them. That's the short version. I thought Zander was a crush, but he's more than that. Aiden and I had a spark...it grew and grew. I don't want to lose them. I want to be friends with them. I want us to forget about romance and be friends. I want to drown out feelings...with other feelings. I shouldn't date, Steph. It's not for girls like me. It's for other women, who make sense.""It does sound complic
Before Stephanie gets out of my dad's car, she turns around and bites her lip. She's holding something in. "Ashley, why did you never tell Brittany about your ballet talent?" "I wanted one girly thing for myself. She never really asked me what I did outside of school. She was involved in piano and theatre. I had ballet. I wanted something for myself. She and I shared everything, but I needed one thing for myself. I let you know because you never had that deep desire to take and take everything I had. She was hard to be best friends with. But I know now that Zander was my true best friend.""Thanks for telling me, Ash. And you know, you don't need to be her best friend...but you can be friends again. We have a history together, don't give up on her now. As for her friends' opinions dating her brother, I'll set the record straight for you. So don't worry about that. Now go. Go enjoy your time with Zander.""How did you know I was going to meet Zander?" "Because there's a glow in your
Aiden's face is all over my Instagram. His relationship status has been changed publicly. Has our friendship status changed as well? The school day is calling my name, and I don't want to listen. I don't want to go and face Aiden. I remember Leslie Thompson's threat. If she knows I hurt Aiden, she will come crawling to me with her vicious venom. I decide to take the bus. I don't want to park the car at school in case someone is thinking of vandalizing my life. Usually, when we take the car, one of the Hogan twins drives since they are legally allowed to. However, on occasion, I have taken the car and have driven around town without a chaperone. I know it's risky, and perhaps I should hand over the keys to my older sixteen-year-old friends. But I need control of something and behind the wheel of a car works for me. Like the other day, I should have let Stephanie drive to the ballet studio. But I needed to prove to myself that I could get there without a GPS. If I'm going to learn ho