One Goodbye A Thousand Silent

Tracy 

The worst mistake I have ever made is to let my emotions take control of my will power.

I stepped into the house and my phone pressed on my ear. Nelson at the other end of the line.

I giggled at his dry jokes.

“Did you realize it's morning?” I walked past my paranoid husband who looks drop dead mad at me coming home at the odd hour but he will pass.

Letting the jacket around my shoulder to drop to the ground when the temperature of my mansion welcomed me. I went straight to the dining table.

“Yeah, I just got home just now” I say to the person on the other end of the line totally ignoring Alexander.

Alexander, my husband, has been married for five years and all he does is to clean and wash dishes. He makes our breakfast, go for grocery shopping. What every lady on the planet will want but I want more.

Not guilty of me wanting more of a husband who wants something more for himself other than cleaning and washing dishes. I pay for the expenses while he is lazy at home.

“When am I going to see you again?” Nelson asked over the phone, piercing my eyes at Alexander, if he already heard him but he stood tall some distance from me with Nelson's jacket on his hand. He already picked up the jacket and held it in his hand like it's precious.

His countenance is normal, I guess he won't mind me hanging around just one more time with Nelson, my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me and left me broken.

You must be wondering why I'm still hanging around with you. I just want to give him his own dose of medicine, to make him feel what it is like to be broken and shattered in pieces but never thought I was doing that at the expense of another.

“I found some good resorts we can actually try and hey thanks for your jacket. It smells so much like you” 

Alexander's eyes widened a little, throwing the jacket to the ground like it's kind of hurting his hand.

“Hey, what's wrong with you?”

“You went to some sort of a guy's place or something…” he stammered, confused and disappointed.

“I was with Nelson, drinking, spilled some drink on my clothes and he offered me his Jacket after I got cleaned up” 

Shit! I shouldn't have said that. I regret it. Why will I tell my husband I came home just because I hung out with my ex.

The horrific mask on his face but he wasn't mad instead he brushes it off.

“Come on Alexander, it's just a hangout nothing more” I try to convince him it's nothing.

“I stayed here waiting for you but…” he paused, his voice breaking and that even makes him seem vulnerable to me.

Men aren't supposed to be vulnerable. They are supposed to be all tough and strong but my husband seems different from the rest of the real men I know.

“Whatever, I made dinner for you and already prepared your bed” he always brushes it off but never realized how much my actions break him each passing day.

I turned to leave for my room but stopped. Why does Alexander have to always suck it up?

Why can't he shout? Why does he have to let me get away with everything?

“Why do you always have to be at my back? Can't you find something to do just like Nelson. Do something. Be like a real man” I thought guilt treating him could help.

Most times we don't really appreciate the people that really care about us until we lose them.

I shook my head when Alexander lowered his head in shame.

Pitiful! I will never appreciate his effort.

“He's the real man who works his ass out” I hate to compare him to Nelson but that's the only means to push him around to finally become something in his life instead of being the pitiful husband who washes and cleans.

I had  a perfect marriage, someone who truly cares, I barely got those attention while dating Nelson.

Collapsing to the bed and already feeling so tired to do anything. Alexander walks into the room.

“Tired, let me help you” he offered, gently taking off my shoes and giving my legs a gentle squeeze. I moaned at how relieved I felt.

His hands climbed up to my legs down to my thighs, realizing what he was about to do.

“Hey, what are you doing?” I kicked his hands off. The satisfaction of Alexander going down on me isn't part of the plan. I know my husband but I prefer to use the dildo which I already named after Nelson.

To get off the hook, I always imagine Nelson is here with me, his gentle hands moving underneath my clothes, his kisses that taste more like honey. His gentle touch ignites every part of me.

 My body was already on fire when I excused myself to the pool side taking my dildo from the wardrobe where I had safely hidden it from the eyes of Alexander.

Allowing the gentle cold breeze soothing my skin. I went down memory lane with Nelson. It's been decades since we broke up but our memories were still fresh in my head.

I imagine what it feels like for him to be right here beside me, the heat from his body warning me up, what he will do to me when he finds me naked with him, his delicate touch, his gentle kisses. What it will feel like to have his big ass cork buried inside of me right here at the pool side.

The magic! I'm already tripping wet, my eyes shut when I slide the dildo in-between my legs, it's sensation giving me the feel like it was Nelson.

And I did the most shameful thing ever.

“Nelson” I moaned out his name but never realized Alexander was so feet away watching me.