Seven

Patricia

I woke up the same time my six o’clock alarm sounded. I yawned as I moved my hand around the bed searching for it to turn it off. I opened my eyes after seconds of vain searching and found it on my nightstand.

I pulled myself up into a sitting position, took my phone and turned off the alarm. I pushed my hair back and then turned to Ethan’s side. It looked untouched. I instantly checked the messages I sent him yesterday. He hadn’t seen them. Did he come home at all?

 The moment I slid out of bed, the bathroom door opened. I turned my head and instantly locked eyes with Ethan, who had just a towel wrapped his waist.

For a moment, my words were stuck in my throat as I looked at him. What was I even going to say? Hey there? Good morning? How was your night?

Ethan just looked away and headed for his closet.

“Wait,” I shot up from the bed, finally finding my voice.

He stopped but didn’t turn. “What?”

“Did you sleep somewhere else?”

“What’s it to you?”

“You don’t have to make yourself uncomfortable. I- I can just move to the guest room.”

He turned around slowly, looking at me with one eyebrow raised.  “Then what? You have Nelly thinking there’s something wrong with her parents? You never think of her, do you?”

I closed my eyes. “Ethan please.”

“I slept on the sofa, and that’s where I’ll be sleeping until I figure out what else to do.”

My knees went weak for a split second. “Are you insinuating that we’re… that you want…”

I stopped there as I couldn’t bring myself to say the word.

“That I want what?” he spat impatiently.

I pursed my lips and shook my head. “Nothing. I'm going to wake Nelly.”

Before he could say anything else, I rushed out of the room. I leaned back on the closed door and evened out my breaths. It was settled. He was going to ask for a divorce. Of course he’d want to separate from me. Could I handle it?

I pushed my thoughts aside and went downstairs to clean the living room and kitchen. After, I made some snacks for Nelly and for Ethan just in case. Then I went back upstairs to wake Nelly up. I helped her take her bath, more like watched her, since she insisted she could do it by herself. I got her dressed in her uniform and brought her downstairs.

Ethan had come down and was sitting at the dining table, working seriously on his laptop. I looked away before he caught me staring, and moved to the cabinet for Nelly’s cereal. As she poured her cheerios into a bowl, I went for the milk from the fridge.

“Are you okay mommy?”

I stopped pouring the milk, and turned to my daughter, who had her eyes wide open as she looked at me. I glanced quickly at Ethan and saw that he was now looking at us.

I blinked and faced Nelly again. “Yeah, I'm okay.”

“Then why are your eyes red and puffy?”

My hands immediately came up to examine my face. “Really?”

She nodded.

“I- I guess I forgot to wash my face.”

She only nodded and turned back to her food.

I sighed. “You know, I'm going to head upstairs. You know what to do…”

She looked up at me and smiled. “Keep calm, follow instructions and pray before the test!”

“Excellent. I’ll see you in the afternoon, okay?”

“Yes mommy.”

I patted her head and turned to Ethan. “Do you need anything? A snack or…”

‘No’, he gestured with his finger and I took the hint and left for my bedroom.

Once there, I entered the bathroom and washed my face and counted to ten to calm myself.

I didn’t succeed. The tears came before I could organise the numbers.

Today, now more than ever, I could feel Ethan’s coldness from every corner of the house. It was much better when we were just being distant towards each other, but now I had made him hate me, and there didn’t seem to be any hope for us. It wouldn’t be long till he shoved divorce papers into my face.

Mistakes were to be learnt from, and at times forgiven. I didn’t see any forgiveness there in store for me, especially as he didn’t believe this was a mistake in the first place. I wanted to earn his forgiveness, trust me, I did. But clearly, he had already made up his mind. I couldn’t even convince him to do certain things for the repair of our relationship before this happened. How could I possibly make things right now?

Maybe I’d just learn from this mistake and not be forgiven. Maybe that was just how my life had been cut out from the start. I had already gotten my one second chance in life; when I got adopted. Perhaps that was as much luxury as the currency of my life could afford.

Whatever happened in the future, I just wanted Ethan to know and believe that I was sorry.