Chapter 4

Confess 

Magalang akong binati ng mga tauhan nang marating ang kuwadra. They have known me since I was a kid. Kadalasan sa mga katiwala ng mga Del Rio ay matagal nang naninilbihan sa kanila, even before my family got here. Kung may mga bago man ay kung hindi ko ka-edad ay kilala na rin ako dahil madalas akong gumala rito mula pa man noon.

I shook my boots to get rid of the dirt then I turned to look inside the stables. The horses were eating when I went inside. Ang mga nakahilerang kulungan ay nagmistulang mga kwarto para sa kanila. I went to Gustave’s. Agad nag-angat ng tingin ang nagpapakain sa kanya.

“Is he alright?” I asked referring to the horse.

“Maayos na, ma’am. Kaya lang sabi ng vet huwag daw muna siyang

patatakbuhin at baka raw mabinat ang mga paa niya.”

I nodded and went near Gustave. Marahan kong hinawakan ang mukha niya hanggang sa umamo siya. I smiled.

“Si senyorito po ba ang sasama sa inyong mangabayo?” Maya-maya’y tanong niya.

Bahagya akong natigilan. Muli ko na namang naalala ang sagutan namin ni Santi. The mere thought boiled my anger.

“Hindi,” I breathed.

“Mukhang abala nga po ang senyorito. Kung gusto niyo po ako na ang umalalay sa inyo sa pangangabayo,” he offered.

Napalingon ako sa kanya nang sabihin niya iyon. He looks a little older than me. Two or three years older. His sunburned skin radiated with the rays of the sun. Hapon na kaya ang sikat ng araw ay sumusungaw sa pagitan ng mga dingding ng kuwadra. He flashed a friendly smile.

Muli akong napaisip. It’s a good idea, actually. That way I won’t have to deal with that annoying man.

I was about to say yes when a large frame passed between us. Kunot-noo kong binalingan ng tingin si Santi na dumiretso kay Gustave at hinimas ito sa mukha.

“Ako na magtuturo sa kanya, Jay. Kailangan nila ng tulong sa labas,” aniya at binalingan ng tingin ang caretaker.

“Ganoon ba? Kung ganoon mabuti naman,” he returned his gaze on me. Bumaling din si Santi sa akin pero hindi ko siya tiningnan pabalik. “Magaling mangabayo si Santi, ma’am. Kaya wala kayong dapat ipag-alala.”

He then excused himself kaya naiwan kaming dalawa ni Santi sa loob. Walang imik niyang inilabas si Gustave mula sa kulungan nito at nauna nang lumabas. Wala akong nagawa kundi ang sumunod. Gusto kong kalmahin ang sarili ko pero hindi ko yata magagawa iyon lalo’t nakikita ko ang pagmumukha niya.

Padabog akong naglakad pasunod sa kanya. He went farther from the usual spot kaya tumigil ako sa paglalakad, ganoon din siya.

“We’re going farther,” reklamo ko.

Should I just cancel this? Eh iyon naman talaga dapat ang gagawin ko kung hindi lang siya epal.

He looked at me impatiently. Lalo lang din akong nainis.

“What?” I spat.

“Mabato sa lugar na iyon. At hindi pa nakaka-recover ng tuluyan si Gustave,” he said it matter of factly.

Parang ngayon ko lang din na-realize ang bagay na iyon. Oh well, how would I know? I’m not a doctor or an expert so what does he expect?

Hindi ako umimik at lumapit nalang. Matagumpay akong nakasampa sa likod ng kabayo at marahang ibinalanse ang sarili. This is my first time riding a horse and I’m a little nervous. Bahagyang nanginig ang katawan ko nang gumalaw si Gustave.

I breathed hard as I try to recollect everything Xander told me. Mahigpit akong nakahawak sa tali.

“Relax your body,” mando ni Santi habang nakahawak sa bandang likuran ko.

Dahil sa biglaan niyang pagsasalita ay nawala ako sa concentration nang mapalingon sa kanya. I let out a little scream when I almost fell! Buti nalang madali kong nabawi ang balanse!

“Pwede ba? You’re distracting me!” I turned to him angrily.

“Tsk!” Asik niya.

Umalis siya sa may gilid ko kaya akala ko ay tuluyan niya na akong iniwan. I was about to shout at him again when Gustave moved and Santi pulled himself up and positioned himself behind me. I shrieked when his chest touched my back kaya muntik na naman akong mahulog!

He held both my waist and put me in place.

“Don’t touch me!” Sigaw ko sa kaba, hindi ko lang alam kung para saan ang kabang iyon.

“Stop wriggling or we’ll both fall!” Mariin niyang bulong.

His hot breath tickled my ear and his baritone sent shivers to my skin. Inis kog iniiwas ang mukha ko at bahagyang inilayo ang sarili sa kanya.

“Sabing huwag malikot...” inis ding aniya.

I rolled my eyes. Nang makontento sa distansya namin ay saka ako tumigil sa paggalaw. Buti nalang talaga at mabait si Gustave. Dahil kung hindi kanina pa siguro ako tumilapon.

He then started giving me instructions at muli nanumbalik sa akin ang mga itinuro ni Xander. I hate to admit it pero ngayong aktwal na at naririnig ko ang lahat ng instructions mula sa kanya ay mas naging malinaw ang mga dapat kong gawin. I shrugged the thought and concentrated.

“Reins should be slightly loose. Don’t hold it too tight,” he said.

I cleared my throat and nodded. Few gentle squeezes and Gustave started walking. Hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng tuwa. I am actually doing this!

From slow strides, Gustave started walking faster. Lumalayo na rin kami sa mansiyon. But I was too thrilled to even notice it. Ilang minuto pa ay narating namin ang isang sapa.

“Whoaa!”

Unti-unting bumagal ang lakad ni Gustave hanggang sa tumigil sa gilid mismo ng sapa. The clear waters spakled when the rays of the sunset hit them.

Naunang bumaba si Santi and I was left clueless of how I’m going to get off. I don’t know what’ve gotten into him that he stopped here. Palubog na ang araw at ilang sandali nalang ay didilim na. Napapalibutan pa naman ng malalaking kahoy ang sapa kaya hindi pa man tuluyang lumulubog ang araw ay madilim na.

“Why are we here?” Dapat ay bumalik na tayo sa mansiyon, palubog na ang araw.” I turned to him.

He didn’t answer me. Instead he went near me and held both my waist. Walang kahirap-hirap niya akong naibaba. Sa gulat ay napakapit ako sa magkabilang braso niya.

“Ano ba?!”

I lost my balance that my body crushed against his. I caught him staring intently at me. His eyes menacing and mysterious. Para bang kayraming tinatagong panganib at sekreto. His gaze went down my lips and I gulped. Taranta ko siyang itinulak at pilit inayos ang sarili.

“Tss,” he smirked.

Inis ko siyang binalingan.

“A-Ano ba kasing ginagawa natin dito?” Nawawalan na ng pasensyang tanong ko.

He bit his lower lip as if suppressing a grin. Lalo lang akong nainis.

“Gustave needs to rest,” aniya at iginiya ang kabayo sa sapa para makainom ng tubig.

He caressed its face gently habang umiinom ito ng tubig. I looked for a spot to rest, too. May malaking bato sa ilalim ng isang malaking puno kaya doon ako pumuwesto. I caught myself staring at their silhouettes. Si Gustave na umiinom ng tubig mula sa sapa, habang si Santi naman ay halos nakaluhod na sa paggiya sa mukha nito. The bright embers of the setting sun made the scene even more dramatic.

“Paano ka natutong mangabayo?” I asked out of nowhere. Kahit ako ay nabigla rin sa sarili kong tanong at sa tonong ginamit.

He turned to me, amused. Ngunit agad ding sumeryoso at nag-iwas ng tingin. Half of me wanted to ask that out of curiosity. Ang sabi ni Xander ay nakita ko na siya minsan noon pero masyado pa akong bata para maalala iyon. I bet he doesn’t own a horse of his own that’s why I’m curious how he learned.

“Xander taught me,” he said looking at Gustave.

Napatango nalang ako at hindi na nagsalita pa. We then went back after awhile. Unlike the first ride, I was more relaxed this time. Kahit hindi pa rin ako komportable na nasa likod ko si Santi, I managed to relax my body.

Isa pa, I am used to being near with boys kaya dapat hindi na ako apektado sa mga ganito. Right! Silly of me to think I am affected by this man!

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“Why don’t you just confess your feelings?”

Tulala akong napatitig kay Elize nang sabihin niya iyon. It was lunch when we decided to go out and do a little shopping. Pare-pareho kami ng schedules tatlo kaya napagkasunduan naming sa mall na kumain at mag-shopping na rin. Tutal ay alas tres pa ng hapon ang sunod naming klase.

I told them I have feelings for Xander. Tumango lang ang dalawa, ni hindi man lang nagulat. Nang tanungin ko naman kung bakit ay alam na raw nila at halata naman daw sa ikinikilos ko. Like, duh!

Though I can say they’re right. Everyone seems to notice my true feelings towards Xander. Even his parents had the same idea, I think. Siya lang naman itong manhid at bulag.

I have been struggling with that for years now. And this is the first time I have people whom I can actually call friends. That’s why I told them and asked for an advise on what to do about it.

Muntik pang mabilaukan si Maisie nang i-suggest ni Eirene iyon.

“Confession talaga?” Nanlalaki ang mga matang aniya.

Hindi ako umimik. I was trying to contemplate on her idea. It’s not bad actually. Bakit hindi, di ba? Baka pag sinabi ko sa kanya, unti-unti niya akong makikita. Not just as a younger sister but a woman capable of being loved by him.

“Why not? We’re in the 21^st century for Pete's sake! Hindi na uso ang Maria Clara! If she really like Xander, then why can’t she confess first?”

Lalo lang umigting ang kagustuhan kong gawin ang suggestion ni Elize. I mustered up my courage and decided to tell him. Who knows? He might actually accept it.

Iyon nga ang ginawa ko. I texted Xander before going back to the university. I got hyped when he replied he’s actually vacant after class.

Abot-abot ang tahip ng d****b ko nang sumapit ang itinakdang oras. I chose a place far from most of the students. At dahil kadalasan sa mga estudyante ay pauwi na ng mga oras na iyon, naging mas panatag ako.

As expected, he was the one who got there first. I smiled when I saw him from afar. He seemed oblivious with the stares and gazes directed at him. He was holding his phone and typing something on it. My phone vibrated at lalong lumaki ang ngiti ko nang makitang siya ang nagtext.

‘Papunta ka na?’ - Xander

My grip tightened with excitement and nervousness. Hindi ako nag-reply. I started walking towards him. I didn’t feel touched the ground as I stride my way to him. He smiled when our eyes met.

“What’s this about, hmm?” Bahagya siyang umusog para bigyan ako ng espasyo sa kanyang tabi.

I didn’t move an inch. I breathe hard and continued standing in front of him, trying to weave the words inside my head. Taka niya akong tinitigan, bakas pa ang ngiti sa mukha.

“Xander, there’s something I need to tell you,” I started.

“Mmm, what is it?” He asked, encouraging.

Ilang beses pa akong napakurap sa kaba. I have always been confident in front of him. I didn’t think confessing would be this nerve-wrecking. I closed my eyes and when I opened it again, I started pouring my heart out.

“I don’t know if you already felt it or you have any idea about how I really feel about you. We’ve been friends since then and I really value and cherish what we have. And then I started feeling something deeper towards you,” I paused. I garnered all my courage to say the words to him. “I like you, no, I love you. Hindi bilang isang kaibigan. I... I love you,” I stared at his eyes, to make him see and feel I am being true to him and to myself.

To be continued...