Prologue

Simula pa lamang noong bata ako ay pangarap ko nang maikasal sa lalaking pinakamamahal ko.

Hindi na kailangan pang magarbo ang kasal, simple lang ay ayos na dahil ang mahalaga, siya ang makakasama ko hanggang kamatayan. Kami ang magsusumpaan sa harap ng Diyos.

Napakaraming nangyari sa loob ng limang taon na pagsasama namin ni Jack at hindi naging madali iyon. Sa limang taong iyon, kay raming luha ang nasayang at mayroon ding luhang nagdulot ng kasiyahan. Nariyan ang maraming temptasyon sa paligid na talagang sinubukan ang aming pagmamahalan.

Kamuntikan na rin kaming sumuko at humantong sa hiwalayan ngunit naiisip ko pa lamang na maghihiwalay kami ay hindi ko na kakayanin. Mahal na mahal ko si Jack to the point na handa akong ibigay ang sarili ko sa kanya. Kaya laking tuwa ko nang mag-propose siya sa akin at hindi naman ako nagdalawang-isip na um-oo.

Malaki ang tiwala namin sa isa't isa sa kabila ng mga unos na dumating sa aming relasyon, na kahit gaano man kabigat ang kasalanan, nagagawa ko pa rin siyang patawarin kahit hindi pa man siya humihingi ng tawad. Kaya't heto, sa hinaba-haba man ng prusisyon, sa simbahan pa rin ang tuloy. I can already see my future with him—he, a successful doctor, and I, also, a successful journalist together with our beautiful children.

“Anak, are you ready?” Si Mama, wearing a pearly white V-neck gown half-inch above her knees. She emerged from the queen-sized bed behind me. She was staring at my reflection. I can see a small drop of tears dripping in her eyes, but indeed, she is elated seeing me wearing a white gown on my special day.

Boto na siya kay Jack sa simula pa lang. Nagkasundo agad noong unang beses silang magkakilala sapagkat kapwa Bicolano. I tapped my mother's hand from my shoulder and gave her a genuine smile. Ngayon ko lang nakitang ganito kasaya si Mama. Her eyes were sparkling. She is excited for me.

“Ma, I'm nervous,” pag-amin ko.

“It's okay, anak. Gano'n talaga 'pag first time. Ganyan din ang naramdaman ko nang ikasal kami ng Papa mo.” Mama and Papa are married for thirty years. Honestly, they are the perfect example of a happy marriage, and they are my relationship goals. Sa loob ng tatlumpung taon, kailan ma'y ‘di sila nag-away nang dahil sa babae.

Even though they fight over petty things, Papa never thought of having an affair with another woman. Aniya, mas gusto na lamang niyang bungangaan siya ni Mama araw-araw kaysa maghanap pa siya ng iba. No one can ever replace my mom in his heart. The moment I heard that from my dad, I wanted my future boyfriend to be like him.

Then Jackson came. Though he is exactly the opposite of Papa, I still learn to love him. I did not know how that happened, maybe, that’s how love works. Ngunit hindi naging madali ang pagkuha namin ng blessings kay Papa kasi from the very start, ayaw na niya kay Jack. For him, I do not deserve him but Jack fought for me.

Matapang niyang hinarap ang aking ama maging ang mga pagsubok na binigay nito. At sa huli, our love prevailed. At heto na nga, ilang oras na lamang ay magiging isa na kami.

Nagtatawanan kami ni Mama nang pumasok ang nakatatanda kong kapatid na si Ate Celestine. Humahangos ito at hingal na hingal na tila ba tumakbo ng milya-milya.

“Oh, Ate. Ano nangyari sa'yo? Ba't ka hingal na hingal dyan?” Hindi muna siya nagsalita sapagkat hinahabol pa ang kanyang hininga ngunit may inabot siyang papel sa akin.

Nagtatakang tinanggap ko ito. “Kanino galing ito?”

“I-It’s from... J-Jack. Read it.”

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng kaba. Unti-unting nawala ang ngiti sa aking labi. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ngunit iba ang kutob ko. Parang may mali. Kinakabahan man, I still manage to open the letter. Nanginginig pa ang aking mga kamay habang binubuklat ang papel.

Dearest Pamela,

I know you are reading this right now, but first, I want you to know that I love you so much. I am thankful that you came into my life. You changed me. I know our five-year relationship is a rollercoaster ride—so many ups and downs. Despite the challenges, we surpass all of them and look, we are getting married now. Damn, I was the luckiest man when you said yes to me. I couldn’t ask for more because I already saw my future with you, being my wife and the mother of our children.

But I guess some people realize that we cannot get everything we want. Marrying you was my dream. I have been so headed over heels in love with you since the day we met. But these past few days, I came to the point that I was hesitant if I should continue marrying you or not? I am sure of my love for you, but I doubt myself.

I wonder if I could afford to provide you with everything. I am sorry for hurting you. I know, this sorry won’t do anything. But this is the only thing I could do to compensate for the damages I have caused. If you are questioning yourself, don’t worry, there is no problem with you. You’re too perfect for me. I am the problem here, and I want a space to reflect, but I won't say that you wait for me. You've done enough. I won't even ask you to forgive me, but rather, forget me.

Don't waste your tears for me, okay? I am not worth crying for. Please save it for someone, a man who will stay by your side through thick and thin—a man who knows how to value you.

Also, my parents know nothing about this. Please tell them I am sorry as well as to your parents that I ruined their daughter's life.

And one more thing, continue to live without me. Reach our dreams and goals even if I am no longer with you.

I love you. Forever and always.

Your haven,

Jackson

My tears won't stop falling after reading Jack's letter. Halo-halong emosyon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Gusto kong magalit dahil sa ginawa niyang pag-iwan sa akin. Hindi ko matanggap.

“H-How could he do this to me?”

Napatanong tuloy ako sa aking sarili. May mali ba sa akin? Sa tinagal naming nagsama, at sa araw pa mismo ng aming pag iisang-dibdib saka niya sasabihing hindi pa siya sigurado? Naikuyom ko ang aking palad, dahilan ng paglukot ng papel.

Napatingin tuloy ako sa aking tiyan. Marahan ko itong hinimas at ngumiti nang mapait. Sayang, at hindi ko man lang nasabi sa kanya ang aking sorpresa. Ako pa itong nagulat. Muli kong tinignan ang maliit na umbok ng aking tiyan.

Kapit lang, anak.