TWENTY-SEVEN: I'm Completely On My Own Now

My one class of the day has me bored to tears, especially given the evening I'd just had. I've spent the entire period gazing out the window and doodling in the margins of my notebook: hearts, flowers, flames – the things that represent how Harlan makes me feel.

I feel like a stupid teenager but he occupies my thoughts on a near-intrusive level, and anything to express all the things that I'm forbidden from actually telling anyone is an appreciated output.

I wish I could talk to Rose. Harlan is busy prepping for the final and grading the last essays of the term, so for a day or two at least, I try to go easy on the communication with him.

More time for me to decompress after my almost-panic-attack in his office. I know that a brief separation is probably beneficial, but it is hard to focus on what is best for me when the only thing I want are his hands squeezing my hips, running down my back, tightening around my throat.

I make it to Thursday before asking Rose to get coffee.

It is something I would have delighted in anyway, but I know that she is as busy preparing for her exams as I am, preparing for mine. It pains my heart to admit it, but the motivation behind seeing her is so I can attempt to not think about Harlan for two seconds at a time. And the kicker is, of course, that I wouldn't even be able to tell her that. To tell her about everything. Every delicious night with him, every fear I have in my heart, every ounce of trouble I have just from being away from him for a day or two.

Thursday morning comes around, and the two of us are seated outside at the campus café, coffees between us, bodies huddled together against the cool, sweet-smelling fall air.

For a while, the conversation is completely normal. She'd been agonizing over some engineering exam. Whatever the class is, I know I wouldn't have been able to understand it if I tried. She is having a harder time than I'm even aware, and I feel a twinge of guilt for not being there for her. Rose is incredibly ambitious, but her field of study is impossibly challenging. Honestly, I don't know how she balances it all.

I'm grateful to hear her vent, but eventually, the conversation turns.

"So, why did Milo tell me that he could have sworn he saw you in Harlan's car?"

My heart leaps to my throat so aggressively I nearly choke on it, and I'm this close from spewing my coffee out on the table. But as long as my expression doesn't let on, I'm fine.

Or so I try to remind myself.

"Oh, that?" I ask, taking another sip of coffee to try and mask my discomfort. "Shit, I forgot to tell you. We had a meeting, he asked me to be the TA for his lecture next term."

"Eden! That's awesome! I can't believe you didn't tell me!" she exclaims, leaning towards and knitting her brows together.

"No, I know, it's a great opportunity, I just... I don't know. It didn't seem like that big a deal."

"Of course it's a big deal. Think about it. If he likes you, he could set you up with a job once you're out of here!"

I grin, biting back the bile rising in my throat.

"Let's hope he likes me," I say, raising my coffee cup.

Seeing Rose is good. Better than good. I've missed her, and I miss when the term wasn't so busy. When finals are over and we're all back from break, things will be back to normal. With the exception of the fact that I'll be TA-ing for the professor I'm sleeping with.

Shit – Harlan, I suddenly remember.

It’s Thursday, and I still haven't set up a time to review the final. He’s been so busy, and I'm so paranoid about giving him his space that I've forgotten about setting up a time to meet with him, and now the week is almost over. Cursing, I pull out my phone, remembering that oh, yeah, I'm sleeping with him, so why not just do it at his place over the weekend?

But the first thing I see on my screen is a missed call and a voicemail... from Harlan.

I furrow my brow.

This is unlike him. Calling...is unlike him. Usually, he would bark orders via text and that is always sufficient. It looks like I missed him while I was getting coffee with Rose. Eagerly, I press play and lift the phone to my ear.

"Eden. It's me." My heart clenches at Harlan's voice, and clenches harder when he pauses for a few moments. "I'm going to have to leave town for the rest of the week. Through the weekend, actually," he continues. "I know this isn't ideal. And that you wanted more time to review with me." Another brief pause. "But you're going to be fine, I promise. And if you'd like to start your TA duties early, I would appreciate it if you would conduct a review with the class on Friday. Keep them off my hide for having to miss the last class before finals," he grumbles bitterly.

I furrow my brow. A professor missing the last class before finals isn't a good look. And Harlan doesn't sound happy. At all.

Biting the inside of my cheek, my mind begins spiralling, fearing the worst.

But then his voice softens, and I feel lighter. "I know I said I'd be there. I'm sorry"

I'm sorry. I don't think I've ever heard the man say those words. I'm pretty sure I never will again.

"But you'll be fine, trust me. I won't be available for a while, not by phone, but if anything comes up... email me."

A click, and then he’s gone.

I furrow my brow again, staring at the empty screen of my phone. If anything comes up... and then a pause. I silently curse myself for half-expecting him to have said something affectionate. But that would hardly be like him at all.

A text would suffice.

I wait a while, of course, trying not to seem too needy. I consider making myself wait an hour to text, but then I figure that he'd tried to call me twenty minutes ago, so I might as well do it now: safe travels. hope everything's ok!

I send the message standing mindlessly on the sidewalk outside the café. And then there is nothing to do but go home and prepare for the hellfire of next week and Harlan's gargantuan expectations of me.

And the fact that I'm completely on my own now.