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Hi, Jason here. Figured I’d take this opportunity to clear some things up while Sarah’s unconscious. Don’t worry, she’s fine. I managed to get her into my car and to a safe location. Well . . . as safe a location as there is in our current circumstance . . .  She’s been out for a couple of hours, but I expect she’ll be waking up soon, so let’s get this over with while we can.

First and foremost, I’m going to assume Sarah has told you I cheated on her, probably with Mary Sue. I never cheated on her. I might be a heartless, work-for-hire killer, but I ain’t a cheating pig. Even assassins have morals, you know.

You may have picked up on the fact that Sarah has a few commitment issues, so when things started to get serious between us, she started looking for any excuse she could find to break things off. One day she saw me hugging one of my assassin trainees—and yes, that trainee just so happened to be Mary Sue, long before she and Sarah became acquainted in person—and Sarah blew the situation out of proportion. It was Mary Sue’s graduation, and I was congratulating her. That. Is. All. My relationship with Mary Sue was completely professional. Even after Sarah and I broke up, Mary Sue and I could have pursued a relationship if we’d wanted to, but neither of us was interested in that. But Sarah just needed an excuse to turn me into the bad guy.

Back when Nick first escaped, I tried to convince Zeke to place me on assignment with Sarah in Duluth because I wanted to be the one to protect her. Zeke believed, however, that Sarah would have killed me at first sight, and so he compromised by sending Mary Sue instead. It was also my suggestion that Mary Sue start training Sarah in assassin martial arts when they got back from Duluth, though, of course, we did not let Sarah know that this was my idea, as she undoubtedly would have rejected it outright just out of spite.

The point I’m trying to make is that, yes, I still care for Sarah even after the way she ended things, and I would never do anything to hurt her, including cheat on her.

And no, all assassins are not assholes. Sarah, per usual, took our breakup and blew everything out of proportion and decided that because I was, allegedly, an asshole, all assassins must be assholes. Hell, technically speaking, assassins are more balanced mentally than the P.S.K.’s, though I freely admit that I’m biased on that matter. But I think it goes without saying that there is a big difference between a contracted hit man and someone who thrives off of killing hordes of people just for the joy of killing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m good at killing and I’m not ashamed to say it. I couldn’t be an effective assassin otherwise. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy being good at it. It’s a necessary evil of life in a society plagued with corruption, and so I do what needs to be done because it’s what I’m best at, but I would be lying if I said I sleep well after having finished a job. Sarah, on the other hand, I’m almost certain has never lost a night’s sleep over any of her kills, and that—to me, at least—is the biggest difference between a P.S.K. and an assassin.

Next, I imagine Sarah has probably claimed—repeatedly—that she has Tourette’s Syndrome. That’s bullshit. She just swears like a fucking sailor and likes to pretend she has Tourette’s as an excuse. Sarah, if you’re reading this, grow the fuck up already and own up to your potty mouth. We ain’t in grade school no more. If you want to fucking swear, fucking swear. You don’t need to fake a mental illness just to drop all the F-bombs you want.

This brings me to her ‘radar allergy’ thing. I think I’ve made it pretty clear by now—if you hadn’t already figured it out on your own—that Sarah is a compulsive liar. However, the radar thing is actually true. Yeah, I know. The one thing she says that is true is also the most ridiculously unbelievable thing she’s ever said. But I don’t know what to say, I’ve seen it in action. I was driving her home after one of our first dates, and I was speeding, and a cop clocked me with his radar gun. Sarah fell into a full-on epileptic seizure. At first, I thought she was just faking it to try and get me out of the speeding ticket, but the cop had to call in the paramedics and everything. Needless to say, I never sped while she was in the car with me ever again after that.

Let’s see, what else . . . oh yes! This is a good one! It’s actually kinda sweet . . . well . . . in a properly morbid Sarah kinda way . . . I’m sure you’ve probably noticed she replaces the word ‘god’ with ‘porcupine’—as in, ‘porcupinedamn it!’ Or, ‘Oh, for porcupine’s sake’! You probably just assumed it was a response to her extreme-antireligious philosophy, but there’s more to it than that.

When she was a kid, Sarah’s brain-dead, alcoholic, wife-beating, asshat of a father came up with the fucking brilliant idea of giving his four-year-old daughter a pet porcupine for her birthday. She named it Pinny since it looked like a pincushion. You can probably see where this is going. Sarah and her mother spent the majority of Sarah’s fourth birthday in the emergency room—Daddy Dearest, of course, couldn’t be bothered to go with them—getting the quills removed from her backside. I’ve seen the scars. (Sarah is going to murder me for telling you this . . . and I don’t mean that figuratively . . . ) Sarah’s mother, being the abuser-enabler she was, lied for her husband and told the E.R. staff that Sarah had stumbled upon the porcupine in the woods.

Needless to say, Pinny did not stay in the family after that incident, but her worthless parents never got her a real pet, either, so Pinny is literally the only pet Sarah ever owned. As she grew older and began to come to terms with her complete aversion to religion, she looked for an alternative to a ‘god-figure’, and for some weird reason, her warped psyche decided that her only pet, Pinny, was a suitable replacement.

Like I said, kinda sweet in a morbidly Sarah kinda way.

Speaking of her fucktard of a father, there’s one last thing I think you should know . . . Shit, she’s waking up. I gotta go. Nice chatting with you. Please don’t let her know I told you that she doesn’t have Tourette’s.