That moment

You are the love of my life.

Everything I am, and everything I'll ever be

Is because of you...

I remember that mantra my mom used to say to me every night before I go to sleep. She would caress my face and look at me dearly as she waits for me to fall asleep. But that night was different. She was lying in a hospital bed with oxygen in her nose. Her eyes were closed and all I could do was hold her hand and wished for this nightmare to stop. Sana magising na ako. Sana maging okay na si Mom. I want her to get well so we could go to the places she likes to go. I don't want to lose my mom. She's the only relative that I have.

I have a step father. My mom married him when I was ten years old. Mabait naman ang asawa ni Mom pero alam kong hindi niya ako mahal tulad ng pagmamahal sa akin ni Mom. I have two step brothers - they're twins. Si Marco at Gus - both have different worlds at an early age. Kahit na nandyan sila at kahit na mahal nila ang Mom, hindi ko naman sila itinuturing na kapatid - we're just friends, acquaintances but never brothers. Civil kami, pero may wall at hindi na mawawala ang wall na iyon dahil alam ko naman ang tunay na dahil kung bakit pinakasalan ni Mom ang Papa ng dalawang Ledesma.

She wanted to give me the family I deserve.

When I was a kid - I used to tell her that having her with me is enough. Hindi ko kailangan ng kahit na anong material sa mundo - siya lang at ang pagmamahal niya. Ni hindi ko hinahanap sa kanya ang tunay kong ama. For me, he didn't matter at all. Nabuhay ako sa loob ng labing-walong na taon na hindi ko siya kinailangan at hindi ko siya kakailanganin pa. I sighed. I kissed my mom's palm. Noon ko siya napansin na dumilat at saka ngumiti sa akin.

"Simon Paul..." She called my name. Tumayo ako pero hindi ko binitiwan ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay niya. Hinaplos ko ang pisngi niya. She's so thin. Wala na ang kulay sa pisngi niya, humpak na iyon at halos lumabas na ang mga ugat niya. She's very far from the healthy lady I grew up with but still she's the epitome of beauty for me.

"Don't touch Mommy's head, Simon, mahuhulog na angn natitira kong buhok..." She even had the guts to chuckle. I looked up. I will never let her see me cry. Kailangan ako ni Mommy. Kailangan niya ako nang malakas ako.

"Mom..." I just sighed. "By the way, Arru bought you something. She said it's a gift." Pinilit kong ngumiti. Kinuha ko ang regaling ibinigay sa akin ni Arruba kanina. Arruba is my girlfriend and she was here earlier pero kinailangan niyang umuwi dahil walang mag-aasikaso sa kapatid niya. Hangga't maari ayoko sanang naiiwan mag-isa but she has things to do. Sinabi niya na lang na tatawagan niya ako. I was smiling as I reached for Mom again.

Ibinigay ko sa kanya ang regalo. Sinenyasan niya ako na buksan iyon and I did. Nasa loob ay ang isang wig - itim na wig. I showed it to her. Ngumiti si Mom sa akin. Inalalayan ko siyang makaupo tapos ay ako pa ang nagsuot ng wig sa kanya. She closed her eyes.

"Ang ganda-ganda mo, Mom." I whispered to her. She caressed my face habang nakapikit pa rin siya.

"Ka-kapag nakapikit ako at sinasabi mo iyan sa akin, parang naririnig ko ang Daddy mo."

Napatiim ang mga bagang ko. Alam kong hindi si Ledesma ang sinasabi niya. I call the man Uncle Fred. Napailing na lang ako.

"Simon, ilang beses kong sinabi na 'wag na 'wag kang magagalit sa kanya? Hindi niya kasalanan iyon." Mahina ngunit mariing wika na sinabi niya sa akin. Mula noong seven years old ako, iyon ang palagian niyang pinapaalala sa akin - na hindi kasalanan ng taong iyon kung bakit lumaki ako ng wala siya. Mom said that he never knew about me being his son. Mom said that when she decided to tell him about me, nabalitaan niya na may iba nang mahal ang taong iyon. She tried to see him, but she said that she didn't want to be the reason for their unhappiness.

Hindi ko maintindihan. Nabuntis si Mom, iniwan niya, pinanganak ako, pagkatapos ng dalawang taong pamamalagi ni Mom sa states, ay nagpasya siyang puntahan iyon, then she found out that he's dating someone else and that he looked happy - dahil lang sa mukha siyang masaya ay nagbago ang isip ni Mommy sa pakikipagkita at pagsasabi ng totoo sa kanya.

"Sinabi ko sa'yo noon, if you could be the bridge, be the bridge for someone else's happiness. Baby, mahal naman kita at mahal ka ng Uncle Fred mo. I raised you with overflowing love - that should be enough to heal all the wounds... Please don't be mad at your real father..."

Hindi na ako nagsalita. Mabuti na lang at dumating na si Arruba. May dala siyang mga prutas para kay Mom. Mom was glad to see my girlfriend and I was really thankful to her. Dumating siya at naiba ang usapan.

Alas nuebe nang gabi ay dumating si Uncle Fred para bantayan si Mom. He was all smiles when he entered the room. I had to give it to the man, mahal na mahal niya ang nanay ko.

"How was your meeting with the Consunjis?" Mom asked. I smirked when I heard the name.

"Ipinakilala na si Marco at ang panganay ni Consunji - si Hera. But Hera walked out - hindi niya gusto ang isa sa kambal. She's only sixteen but she's very fierce. I guess Consunji is having a hard time disciplining his daughter." They both chuckled. Masaya ako na napapangiti ni Uncle Fred ang Mommy ko. Hindi na ako nagtagal. Nagpaalam na akong umalis.

"Babe." Tinawag ko si Arruba. She was holding my hand as we walk side by side. Tahimik lang siyang tumingin sa akin. "Pinag-usapan namin siya ni Mom." I sighed. "I have a feeling that she wanted to see him for the last time."

"'Wag ka namang magsalita ng for the last time, Simon. Gagaling si Mom. You just gotta have faith."

"The cancer cells are slowly killing her, Arruba. Wala na akong magagawa. If she really needs to rest the so be it - I just wanna give her this, Arru."

"Anong gagawin mo?"

"Magpapakilala ako sa kanya. Para kay Mom. Pagkatapos naman noon, wala na kaming kinalaman sa isa't isa. After all, may pinagsamahan sila."

H******n ako ni Arruva sa pisngi. I'd go to him first thing in the morning, pero ngayon kailangan kong magpahinga.

Hindi rin ako nakatulog nang gabing iyon. Arruba was beside me. Her arms around my waist. Pinapanood ko lang siyang huminga, binibilang kung ilang beses niyang tawagin ang pangalan ko o ang pangalan ng kapatid niya. It was kinda funny.

Six in the morning, I finally decided to get up and leave the house. H******n ko si Arruba habang tulog na tulog pa siya. I drove my car fast - alam ko kung saan nakatira ang taong iyon. Ang nakakapagtaka lang ay hindi ako nakakadama ng kahit na anong kaba o kung anuman. Alam ko lang kailangan ko siyang makausap at ginagawa koi to para kay Mom. I know how much Mom wants to see him and I'm giving that to her.

I could be the bridge for my mom's happiness. Kakalimutan ko muna ang sarili ko.

I parked my car in front of their mansion.

Sunday noon. Sigurado akong nasa loob siya.

Bumaba ako ng sasakyan ko at nag-doorbell. Binuksan ng isang lalaking nakauniporme ang gate at binati ako.

"Nandyan ba si..." I couldn't even say his name. "Lukas Consunji."

"Pasok ka." Wika niya sa akin. Tumango na lang ako at pumasok. Tumuloy ako sa loob ng bahay. Malaki ang bahay na iyon at sa pinakagitna ng sala ay may portrait ng isang babaeng ngiting-ngiti. I smirked when I saw the woman.

Maybe she's the reason why I grew up fatherless.

Habang nakatayo sa sala ay nakarinig ako ng tawanan. Sinundan ko ang tunog na iyon ng mga halakhak.

I found it on th garden. Naroon ang taong hinahanap ko. Si Lukas Consunji. Kasama nuya ag tatlo nyag anak. Hera, Hermes and Ares Consunji. Nasa loob sila ng gazebo at naglalaro ng scrabble. I remember when I was a kid, I used to dream of playing anything with him but now that I can see how happy he was wth the family that he chose to be with made me hate him more and more.

I swallowed hard. Tumalikod ako. Mali ang pagpunta ko sa lugar na ito. Hindi ko suy kailanan. Hindi siya kailangan makita ni Mom.

Tuloy-tuloy lang ako sa paglakad pero natigil ako nang mapansin ko ang isang babaeng naka-nurse uniform na kapapasok lamang mula sa front door.

"Yes..."

Tinitigan ko siya. I suddenly remembered what my mom had said about being a bridge.

Hindi ko kaya iyon.

Kinuyom ko ang mga palad ko.

"One day, Lukas Consunji will lose everything and when that happens, I'd be the happiest man on earth..."

"Ano? S-sino ka ba?" Tanong niya sa akin. Tumalikod ako at mabilis na lumabas ng mansyon. Pasakay na ako sa kotse nang tumunog ang telepono ko. It's Uncle Fred. And as I hear him talk at the other in3, kitang-kita kog gumuho ang mundo ko.

My mom died.

I let the tears fall.

One day, they will all feel what its like to lose everything they have...