Shadows Of Pleasure

"Sweet girl your dad and I are heading out for the night. If you need anything just give us a call."

"Mom I am not a baby anymore. I am perfectly fine being home alone for a few hours."

"I know that you are not a baby anymore, but you are still my baby. You will always be my baby."

"Mom I love you but stop with all this craziness. You are acting like you won't see me again once you leave." 

"I know I am getting all emotional again. I am sorry but you never know what can happen in a few minutes let alone a few hours."

I kissed my mom on her cheek before I helped her with her coat. "I love you, mom." Everything will be fine I promise. My dad walks down the stairs in his favorite suit. "Do I get any of your love or is it all for your mother?"

"Of course, you do. You know that I love you, right dad?"

"Of course, I do I was just seeing what your reaction was going to be." I kissed Dad on the cheek as well before he reached for my mom's hand and walks out the door. 

I woke up with my body drenched in sweat from this never-ending nightmare. Yes, I know that the dream was not that gruesome but just remember that this was my mind telling me that this was the last time that I saw the two people that meant the most to me alive. I was also fifteen at the time when the cops came to my door to tell me that there was a tragic accident and that both of my parents did not make it out alive. 

I was placed back into foster care that night and that's when my life changed drastically. I have tried everything to make the dreams go away but nothing ever works. I feel like I am being punished for something and I have no idea what that might be it's just an observation that I had for a while. 

 I was adopted out of foster care when I was two, but I don't know what my life was like before my parents. I never question my relationship with my parents they were my light in the darkness. We might have not been related by blood but they were and are always going to be my parents. 

I was always bullied for being an orphan but I couldn't change that even if I wanted to. I keep to myself as much as possible as I waited for my 18th birthday to come around. I was very good at school that was my silver lining to leave this place behind me. I was kept in school a year longer than I was supposed to as I was not 18 at the end of the school year. So I graduated at the age of 19 with honers. I have applied to multiple colleges out of state as I can't wait to leave this state behind me. I got accepted to all that I applied to, and I just now have to make dissension that will benefit me and my future. 

This process has been stressful as I want to make sure that I make the right decision for myself. Of course, I have some scholarships to help pay for furthering my education but financial aid will help cover the rest as well. I think that I want to work with little kids but I just don't know what path to take yet. Maybe I can be a teacher or an OBGYN or even a Pediatric doctor. I'll figure it out at some point. 

So far Texas is speaking out to be the loudest. I don't know why but something is drawing me to that place. I don't know what it is but there is something about it that I know is going to be right for me. I still miss my parents like crazy and I don't think that will change but I know that they would be proud of me. It has been lonely without them here with me, my heart has felt nothing but loneliness scents I lost them. I wish that this feeling will go away but it seems to only get bigger every year. I have never dated nor did I have any friends that understood what I was going through. 

 I wish that I had someone that I could talk to, someone that loved me just as much as my parents loved me. I wish that things were different but unfortunate they are what they are. They said that things happen for a reason but I never know what I did to deserve this pain. 

I ended up getting a summer job so I can save up for my drive out to my new life. I feel like this is going to be the adventure that I am going to need. That this is going to be the thing that will make me happy again. That this move I won't be so lonely anymore to deal with my dark mood. Maybe I can meet someone that will make me experience what it is like to be loved again. Or maybe just make a friend finally. There are always the what if's, or the always asking to see if you are making the right decision but something tells me that this is going to be the best thing that I have ever done for myself. I know that this is the fresh start that I have been dying to have. This is going to be a great thing for me, I just know that it is. So here's to new adventures that are about to come my way.  I can't be more excited to start this new part of my life and to start a new journey that I have been waiting for to happen. I just wish that I know what it was about this place that tracked me to it so much. But I guess that only time will tell and we will find out the reason when the time is right.