1. Rock the boat

Have you ever wondered if you knew back then what you know now, what you would have done differently? I'm about to find out.

“Alex, wake up, I’m your future-self and I've got to tell you about your future,” I tickle my past-self who is still fast asleep. He had apparently fallen asleep in front of the television because he is alone on the couch. I see peace in him that I no longer know.

Slowly he opens his eyes, but jumps up in shock when he sees me. Understandably, I'd be shocked too if I saw my future-self, oh wait, that is exactly the case …

“Sorry, I don't have time to explain how time travel is possible, I already have so much to tell you.” He continues to stare at me without saying a word. Let him think it's a dream, as long as he hears my story. I've thought long and hard about my exact words, but now that I'm standing in front of my past-self, I'm not sure how. How do I tell him that everything he is sure of in his life, will one day be wrong?

“Um... you should know that something bad is going to happen. One day … um … all coincidences come together and cause an impossible escalation. A boating accident ends the romance with the love of your life …”. He puts his hand over his mouth in horror.

“Susan and I break up?!” he utters. Oh right, he thinks he's still with Susan.

“No, it's not about Susan. And the outcome is a little more final than breaking up,” I say carefully. Sigh. This conversation is so much harder than I expected.

“I do not understand. Susan and I are happy, why shouldn't we be together anymore?” He has no idea of all that awaits him. I'd better rip off the band-aid.

“You find out you're gay and the love of your life turns out to be a man.” To my astonishment, he bursts out crying. I had forgotten how sensitive this topic is to me. I used to be so confused and didn't know what to do with myself until I met my love.

After some sobbing, he manages to say, “It's Tim, isn't it? What will go wrong with us?”. Did I already know back then that I had feelings for Tim? Strange how you can forget that.

“I can't tell you all the details, but you have to avoid getting on a boat with the love of your life.”

“A boat? On the water? Why would I go there?! I'm terrified of water!”

Coincidence number one: I was on the water for the first time. I wish I could explain, but time is up, I have to go back.

“Believe me or not, wonder if this is a dream or real, but whatever you do, don't get in the boat! I have to go now, hopefully farewell.”

I close my eyes, let myself be carried away in the familiar images, and go back to the future. And again, in the future I find out that it failed.

***

The Here and Now

“Alex, get in the boat!” he stretches out his hand for me. His beautiful black eyes shine towards me and I feel my legs soften. Ha, and I'm not even on the boat yet. How I love this man. I have never felt so much support and trust in a relationship. He brings out the best in me.

“You’re so sweet,” I whisper softly to him.

“You too. Now stop procrastinating, you can do this.” This time he puts his hand on my lower back and pulls me tenderly towards him. I like to be carried away by him. All fear is gone at the mere thought of kissing his sultry lips. I close my eyes and bend over.

“No, silly, this is not the time to kiss. We have to keep the balance as long as we stand, otherwise we fall overboard.”

Only then do I realize that I'm rocking on the edge of a rowboat. My breathing quickens and I feel my fear creeping down my throat.

In my head I hear a voice say, "Don't get in the boat!" With frightened eyes, I turn to him for support.

“It's okay, Alex, you're already on the boat and I'm holding you tight. You can do this, we worked hard on this,” he reassures me. Step by step, he helped me over my fear of water. And today is the grand finale, we're going to row on the lake. I feel safe with him, in his arms. I don't want to live with all that fear anymore. I crawl away into his arms and let myself be pulled to the seat.

He soon finds a nice pace to row us to the middle of the lake. His sturdy arms move the paddles powerfully and in a controlled manner. I can't get enough of the view, of him, but also the beautiful nature around us. The lake is surrounded by mountains that form the valley. It is far away from civilization, in the middle of the woods. The sun is shining above us while the wind gently plays with the boat. I never thought I could feel so at home on the water. But when I look at the beautiful man in front of me, I know that he is my home wherever we are.

I lean over the edge of the boat to touch the surface of the water with my hands as it gently pushes back. Before, I would have panicked at just the thought of being near water. I don't know where that came from, I've always had it for as long as I can remember. My parents have tried to help me get over my hydrophobia, and there was always a huge pressure to get me to swimming lessons. But it didn't work, the panic attacks started at home and I refused to enter the pool. Coincidentally, my beloved works as a lifeguard at the rescue brigade. He is a great swimmer and can get any drowning person out of the most difficult situations. With his love and patience, we have come closer to water step by step on every date. Being here in the middle of a very deep lake is a huge victory. I know that I'm safe with him. I dare to trust him completely. And so now I'm here, enjoying the water around us.

Never before have I been in a relationship where I dare to show my deepest fears. In turn, I helped him deal with his fear of bees. This tough man who seems to be able to handle anything is terrified around bees. Maybe that's why he loves water so much, it gives him a sense of security. As a child he was stung by a bee while walking through a flower meadow. He turned out to be allergic to bees and his parents were only able to get him to a hospital just in time. It has stopped him from really going out into nature, he feared he wouldn't be able to get his EpiPen in time. But with me, he has faith that it will be okay, even if he gets stung. With my medical background, I know exactly what to do, and I can inject the needle with adrenaline into his thigh. We even walked through a flower meadow to the lake and he never worried about the buzzing insects.

I love everything about this man. His beautiful smile, his caresses, his sense of humour, his witty remarks, his calm demeanour. We've only been together for such a short time. Every day I learn more about him. And every day I love him more.

“I love you”. For the first time, I say the words out loud. I look at him shyly. Wouldn't he think I'm going way too fast?

But he starts beaming and says the words I long for, “I love …”. Before he can finish his sentence, I see his body stiffen and his eyes widen with fear.

With a jerk, I turn around to see what makes him so scared. The rowboat loses its balance from my too violent movement and starts to rock. I feel panic rising and I try to shift to hold on tight to the boat. The fear gets more and more grip on me, while I lose it. My heart starts beating rapidly and I break out in a sweat. Panic, this is what panic feels like. It makes me nauseous and lightheaded. I can't find my balance on the boat, all my movements cause the boat to rock even more. And when the panic is at its peak and it can't seem to get any worse, I fall overboard.

The water of the mountain lake is stone cold. It hits my lungs with a blow. Because of the panic and my inexperience, I go under. I struggle to get to the surface. Struggling to keep the water from flowing in, I cough. In my head, I search zealously for any tip my love has given me. But all I can find is self-blame. Why didn't I put on a life jacket as he advised? Why didn't I pay more attention when he showed me what to do if someone gets in the water? The panic does not diminish and I gasp for breath. A rush of water enters, and again I cough it out.

I try to calm myself down. He has promised that everything will be all right, that I will be safe. That reassurance is why I dared to go, despite my fear. My eyes look for him in the boat, hoping to find the support I so desperately need. Please show me that you will save me from this mess. I must keep the faith, I must stay above water, he will surely be my saviour. But again I go under, my inability to swim shows itself. My wet shoes and clothes pull me down so hard, I never thought about how heavy they get when wet. I keep kicking with my legs and hitting with my arms in the hope that I will resurface.

Relieved, I come up again, and see the love of my life standing in the rowboat. But instead of his reassuring eyes, I see a man panicking, beating the bees around him. Bees, how can there be bees in the middle of the lake? An icy cold comes over me, colder than the water around me, when I realize what it means. He can't save my life because he himself is fighting to stay alive. I try to yell at him to stop hitting, it just makes the bees more aggressive. But I see it's already too late, the bees have already stung. His body is starting to swell in several places. He needs to get his EpiPen as soon as possible, only the adrenaline can prevent this from going wrong. But he's so busy trying to keep the bees away from him that he doesn't seem to be thinking about taking the EpiPen.

The cold stiffens my body, the energy has drained from me, it's getting harder and harder to move. I can't feel my limbs anymore, everything is numb. Panic has given way to dissociation. I don't feel like I'm in my body anymore. Hope is gone, everything feels lost. Again I go underwater, this time I can't work myself to the surface again. I sink into the endlessly deep water, further and further down. There's no one left to save me. Then a white light comes around me, which slowly turns into rainbow colours. This must be the end.

*****

Author Note

Thank you for giving my story a chance. Please let me know what you think.

Love, Marjolein