3. Get underway

Despite the long cold hike to the lake, I feel rested and clear. I feel confident that time travel will succeed again this time. I sit on the bench in the boat again.

"So what exactly do you do?" asks Tim doubtfully. His skin looks pale from the cold and fatigue. I smile at him, glad he made the effort to be here with me.

“I enter a kind of trance by bringing thoughts to the fore. And then something takes over and the time travel begins.” It does sound kind of fuzzy when I put it that way.

“And if you time travel, then you disappear, because then you would no longer be in the here and now …” Tim tries so hard to believe me but I see his struggle.

“Yes, it has to, and that would prove I'm not imagining it.”

“Supposing that time travel is really possible, then I understand that you want to prevent his death. But Alex, isn't it also your duty to do something good in the bigger picture?” Oh, how I suddenly feel like an egoist. All this time I could think of nothing but to be reunited with my beloved. Of course Tim’s right, but it falls like a heavy burden on me.

“Okay, I'll try that then. But what could I do, Tim?”

“Start with something small? Like taking out Hitler and preventing the second world war?” Tim looks at me a little defiantly. Small, sure, I’ll try.

I close my eyes and try to get into the right state of mind. I know quite a bit about history, and I can imagine what might be a good moment in time to stop Adolf Hitler. Like a kind of movie, I try to get those images in front of me. But intuitively I know right away that this can't work. They are not my lived-through images, I cannot get in touch with them. Not like my own memories.

“It doesn't work, apparently I can only travel to moments of time that I have experienced myself.” I feel disappointed that I can’t do a great deed, but also relieved that I can let go of that burden.

Tim looks thoughtful and concerned when he says, “Maybe it's a good idea to make a little jump in time, for example, yesterday afternoon when we walked to the lake? I get that you want to save him right away, but maybe it would be useful to get a little better at time travel before you try big things?” I nod, he's right again.

I take a deep breath, tuning in to the images of Tim and me walking toward the lake. Although the images are not strong, I feel a pull to that moment. I remember what happened later that night and what that did to me. Confused feelings begin to flow through me. I come closer, deeper into the moment. I feel relief because a white light reappears and an enormous joy as the rainbow colours follow again. It worked, I trusted it rightly. I slip into who I was yesterday, as if I'm experiencing it again for the first time.

The Past

"Tim, come on now, it will take hours before we get there.", I cheerfully call to where Tim is somewhere in the distance behind me. Despite the winter day, the weather is mild and sunny. The branches of the trees are still bare, which gives a beautiful view through the forest. The wet forest soil smells wonderfully earthy. With every step my shoes bounce on the soft ground, which makes me want to walk faster and faster. We should have done this a long time ago, this is so much better than being so often in the library to research time travel with no results. At least this proves to Tim that it's possible.

Tim stops and calls out my name to alert me, “Alex! If you keep running so fast, I'll lose you and get lost in this endless forest. I can't anymore, I have to rest for a while.”

I walk back to Tim, "I thought you believed the gnomes would show you the way back?" I ask teasingly. Tim can't stand it when I use his spirituality against him like that.

"I don't believe in nature beings, I only believe that a forest is magical. At least, normally, but not now that we've been walking through it way too long. Now it's just a maze set up to torture me.” Although I have never been sporty, walking in this forest is easy for me. Here I feel so alive. It's a shame Tim doesn't feel the same.

“Wouldn't we have been better off going to the lake in the summer?" Tim complains when I go sit next to him on the log. I should actually get annoyed by Tim's whining, but secretly I think he's cute. He has allowed himself to be dragged along on a journey he does not feel like at all, to be convinced of something he does not believe in. I don't know if I could have done the same if I were him. Suddenly I feel like a selfish person. In my grief and in my mission to understand time travel, my world revolves only around myself. Sure, it was my true love who died, but what had it done to the two sweetest people in my life, Tim and Susan. Both have gone way beyond what you can expect from a friendship. And there's nothing I did for them in return.

"You're right, it's enough for today," I say when I get up from the tree trunk, "We will make a camp here, then tomorrow we will cover the last part to the lake fresh again.”. I put down my backpack, and start to take out the camping gear.

Tim happily claps his hands, "So you put up the tent and I'll watch.". In response I throw the tent pegs at him.

Tim laughs, "Sure, I'd like to hold it for you, I have nothing better to do." I select a flat area in a clearing of the forest so that no branches will hang above the tent. In order to carry as little luggage as possible, we decided to only bring a two-person tent instead of two tents. And that a tent was brought along, was only at Tim's request. He already doubted whether walking back and forth to the lake in one day was feasible. After I spread the tent canvas over the ground, I gesture to Tim how he can hammer the pegs into the ground.

"Okay, okay, I'm going to work, just because you asked so nicely," Tim sighs and stands up.

I gather some wood to make a fire with. It's really special how love can change you in such a short time. Before I met my great love, I was like Tim. Falling in love with a bushcrafter is apparently contagious, because from my pocket I take a fire striker with which I can easily start a fire. Yet my love and I have never camped together. Oh, how I would have loved to go camping with him in these beautiful woods. What wonderful adventures we could have had, although he still challenges me after his death. But we can no longer go on a venture together ... Then I feel a cold shiver down my spine. I was so convinced that I can time travel and change history. But now his death feels so final, and I don't understand where all my hopes have suddenly gone. Maybe I'm more tired than I thought.

Soon, the fire crackles in front of our tent. We may have left a little late this morning, as the sun has just set. We would never have made it back and forth to the lake. Strange really, because I even thought I could also go back and forth to the past. The fire is wonderful to warm my hands, and Tim follows suit. Here, far from city lights, so many stars can be seen above us in the dark night sky. It is so quiet here, although there are all kinds of forest sounds. We eat some instant soup that I had heated over the fire.

“I think I was just hangry,” Tim says, and then he yawns.

“Hungry and tired apparently,” I wink at him.

We crawl into the tent and deep into our sleeping bags. As the night sets in, it gets colder and colder. Tim is apparently exhausted, because he immediately falls asleep, though his sleep is restless. He is shivering slightly in his sleep. In search of warmth, he crawls even more into his sleeping bag, but the shivering doesn't stop. We lie close to each other, on our own sleeping mats. But then Tim cuddles up close to me. His shivering stops, evidently he has found warmth, and his body relaxes as he drifts deeper into sleep. He's so close to me that I can feel his breath brushing my face with every exhale. His scent fills my nose. His body heat feels nice against my body.

I am tired and feel relaxed. Still I can't fall asleep. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that Tim is laying against me. I don't understand what to think anymore, I don't understand what I feel anymore. I didn't expect Tim to still affect me so much. So much has happened between us in the past. I thought that was closed for good when I met my true love. But now Tim lies here, and his closeness brings back everything I had left behind.

I roll away from Tim a bit so that we are separated again. The tent is heated enough by now, and old feelings don't need to be warmed up any further. I don't want to feel this way. No, this time I'm staying faithful. I now know who I belong to. And I mustn't be confused, I need all my focus to bring back my loved one. And I just want my feelings focused on the hope of getting back together.

Just before I fall asleep, I feel like I'm being lifted up. When I open my eyes, I see rainbow colours around me. I realize that I am going back to the future again. I feel excited that I was able to prove to Tim that time travel was real.

The Here and Now

I feel the hard seat of the boat under my buttocks again. I must have closed my eyes again because when I open them, the sunlight is so bright. Blinking against the light, I see Tim standing. He is still in exactly the same position as before I left.

"It worked! Now you have to believe it!" I cheer to him.

But Tim doesn't look how I would expect him to look. He's not shocked that I was suddenly gone. He's also not extremely happy I'm not crazy and that time travel really exists. Nor is he relieved that I have come back.

"Alex ... You closed your eyes and then opened them again shortly after.” Tim looks like I'm crazy, “Nothing happened, you haven't been away.”

It takes a moment for his words to sink in. My experience of disappearing, landing in yesterday, the hours that passed there, and returning again, apparently went very differently for Tim in the here and now.

"Nothing? You didn't notice my disappearance?" I ask hopeful, vain hope that Tim has noticed something after all.

“You have not been gone, not in space and not in time. You just sat here on the boat seat and it's now just a few minutes later.” It's hard to accept that I can't prove in this way that time travel is real.

“Alex, let's go back to the tent, get some rest, then we'll talk.”

I feel defeated, so disappointed. Why didn't I disappear? It must have been some sort of time jump that didn't make me seem to disappear … or I'm going crazy. I have to prove it's real. Maybe I can prove it by changing something during my time travel. Yes, I have to. I'll have to change something about history with Tim.

“I see you're up to something, Alex, and you're not going to leave this time travel thing at that. Whatever it is, it will be tomorrow.” Tim grabs me and pulls me along. Tomorrow, I'll prove it tomorrow.