TOO GOOD TO LEAVE TOO BAD TO STAY

This was the expiration of our loveless marriage. A single document that clawed at my insides, prickled my intestines and made me feel like I would throw up my breakfast.

I couldn’t believe five years had passed already since we were seated like this – Andre and I – before a lawyer, signing a prenuptial and then marriage certificates. At least Andre had been forthcoming then, he had smiled at me warmly, an action which made my heart flutter and convinced me we were doing the right thing, the best thing for me.

He had pretended to be interested. Sending me flowers after flowers while he was at work, asking about my emotional and physical well being while he was at home. Making love to me like it was all he lived for. Those moments for me, had been the best moments of our marriage before he decided he was cheating on the memory of his first love by being with me.

It had sounded ridiculous then as it did now, but it was the reality of my situation.

Now, Andre could barely look me in the face without scoffing or sneering. Since our marriage, I had watched him go from fiery hot - always wanting to touch me, to feel me, to make love - to cold and distant. He barely came home, lest he had to meet the woman who had replaced his love, he barely looked at me and when we made love, it was only to satisfy his urges.

I was nothing like the woman he wanted and he never failed to remind me daily of this ‘fault’ in me. I saw it in his eyes as he scoffed at me and when he said, “Kathy would have done it this way.” Or “Kathy does this better.” It was always “Kathy this, Kathy that.”

I had been fed up with marriage the long time ago but I never thought it would end this way. I had been ready to keep holding on, to persevere. I had given everything for this marriage to work; my father’s company, my friends, my career, my life. There was nothing to fall back to, nothing to go back to.

No company, no money, no life.

“Lana.” I heard Andre call and snapped my attention to him.

“Yes.” I answered.

He handed me the pen he had been using without looking at me. The lawyer was looking at me with a funny expression on his face but I would not mind him. After today, there was every chance that we would never meet each other again.

A tear stained my cheek and I wiped it off immediately. Yes, I was ready to give up everything and be free from Andre and his toxic family but was this all it was. Everything I gave up my entire life for? Long, miserable five years.

I signed the document hastily, eager to leave this space, leaving Andre forever.

Andre smiled once he saw my signature on the document.

“Good.” He smirked. He stood to his feet stretching his head to shake the lawyer who was also rising to his feet.

“This should be enough.” Bruce said. His eyes started to line and I looked away immediately.

“Lana.” Andre called. “I will drop you at home so you can arrange your things. Kathy should be –”

“I will take the bus.” I imputed, cutting him off. I knew what he was going to say and I was not ready to hear it.

I picked my bag and began to leave, not checking to see if Andre was behind me.

I needed time away from him. For the past five years – although he tried to stay away from me – he was everywhere. The house was filled with his toxic family who saw me as nothing and when the day or week was over, there was Andre, home to satisfy his urges and again disappear.

As I sat at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive my mind went back to the past and how things had been.

Andre had been kind, not loving but he had treated me with kindness. Before my family died in an accident, Andre’s family had been close with mine and so had Andre and I. I couldn’t deny that I had been drawn to him first, fantasized about him, shamelessly brought him gifts even when I knew that his heart belonged to another.

And Andre had opted to be there for me when they died. It was he who brought the idea of the marriage and I had hoped that I had managed to win his heart. I was wrong. Then, we could not get enough of each other - I remember Andre always rushing home from work and sweeping me off my feet into our bedroom where he would explore every corner of my body till I was just as aroused as he was.

By then, I had not seen my reality, I still lived in fantasy and thought I was a princess. Following the death of my family and my urgent need of money, Andre and his family had come to my aid. I was barely eighteen and I needed to access my trust fund to complete my studies and give my parents a befitting burial.

They had jumped to my rescue – now that I thought of it, it seemed too sudden, too premeditated – they offered to cover my tuition and the costs of burying my parents, in exchange, I was to marry Andre in order to access my trust fund once I turned eighteen and turn over my share of the company to cover my debts.

In my foolishness, I had been so elated by the thought of marrying Andre that I did not stop to think of the consequences of my actions. My then lawyer and advisor had tried to advise me. I remember his advice as clear as day but I had been too adamant, too in love to listen to wisdom.

I was foolish and Andre’s family exploited it to their advantage. Once I was done studying, I abandoned all thoughts of work and the company to become a full time wife and this was where my hell began. Andre disclosed the news of his mistress abroad who will replace me once our contract is over.

“Contract?” I had asked, bewildered. I thought I had not heard him right.

“Yes, contract.” He chuckled. “You didn’t really think I would settle with you, did you? Don’t tell me you’re dumb as much as you are foolish.”

I had cringed. Shocked to hear those words from Andre. What has come over him?

“I don’t understand what you mean by “our contract”.” I reiterated softly.

“Then go check. Don’t be stupid, Lana. I hate people like that.” He chided and walked away.

I had rushed to my lawyer and he had confirmed Andre’s words, showing me the clause in the contract agreement which I had signed. We were to be married for five years, five years only except that both parties changed their minds.

“I thought you said you went through it before signing.” My lawyer has spoken but I was too engrossed in my head to hear him. What did I do? My heart was shattered and so was my life by the time Andre returned two days later with another heart wrenching news.

The company was gone.

“Your father had been owing a lot of debts, it seems.” Andre had said with no sign of concern. “We had to liquidate his assets to settle the debts. I’m sorry, Lana but the company is gone and your shares too.”

But he wasn’t sorry, not with the way his eyes sparkled and that smug look on his face. Now I wish I had had the courage to wipe that look of his face with a slap. But, no. I had been too weak, still reeling from the news of the contract, I had fallen down on my knees and began to weep.

Andre only patted me on my back, like a lazy dog owner. It was the only comfort he could offer.

“These things happen, Lan. Your father could have gone through the same.”

I had looked at him, tears obstructing my vision. “What do I do now, Andre? I have lost everything.”

I sobbed through the night and into the morning. My trust fund went too, to cover debts the company still owed.

It was a hell of a five years, I should be happy it was over but why did I feel this clog in my chest, this weight that has suddenly settled over me.