000: The Heart Wants What It Wants

If you’d told me that it would take a year and a half for me to dismantle my entire life, I would have told you.... sign me up, I live for the destruction.

That’s just who I was back then. A girl chasing the high of bad things, and never accepting the consequences that came with them. I fucked up this time. More than I’ve ever fucked up before. And it hurt everyone I held close to my heart. Every single one. Not one person I loved was saved from my disastrous choices.

Oh, my bad, I should probably introduce myself. I’m Cheryln Reed. People call me cherry because that’s the color of my hair. Well, technically it’s deep auburn red, not cherry red, but they kind of look like the same thing.... I think. I’m twenty-three at the moment, and almost two years ago, I did something really stupid.

Have you ever wanted something so much, even though you know you shouldn’t? Like a forbidden fruit that looks delicious in your fantasies, but you know that the taste is poisonous?

For simpler terms, imagine being lactose intolerant but having a constant craving for dairy products. That’s who I was back then. I was twenty-two, and carrying a disgusting secret. One I knew better than to ever tell anyone. I was so sure I could keep it in until I got a taste.

The moment I got that taste, even the goddess couldn’t have stopped me. That’s just what I do. I do bad things to fill a hole in my life. It keeps the nightmares of my childhood away.

But hey, that could just be another one of my many excuses.

I had it all. A great job, rows of guys who wanted to date me, a twin sister I was sure I couldn’t live without, a mother who would have done everything for me, and a man whom I loved more than anything in the world.

He was the reason I fucked all of this up. I chose my obsession for him over reason. Over my job, over my family, over everything else.

I was foolish, and the worst part is I know if I could warn myself... I’d still make the same mistakes.

Therapy didn’t change me. Didn’t stop me from making stupid decisions and using trauma as an excuse. My fears never seemed to win over the dark thoughts.

I wish.... I wish I were a better person at twenty-two. I’d have chosen something else. I wouldn’t have lost everything. It wasn't worth this loneliness. None of it was worth the pain I feel in my chest right now.

My fingers curl tightly around the steering wheel, and tears stream down my face.

I don’t know where I’m going. I have no plans. I’ve shut off my phone; I don’t want to see all the hateful things people have to say about me. I know how to hate myself i don’t need anyone else to do it for me. I made this mess, I fucked things up.

I did all of this.

It was all me. No one controlled me. Forced me. I chose my desire. I chose that small moment of being happy over all the other important things. I hate myself. I should have fought harder to resist my urges. Now it seems so easy. Now I feel like a better person. Not just self aware—I was always self aware— but also strong enough to say no to things that are bad for me.

A year and a half ago, I would have jumped into making more bad choices.

I just wish I’d learned this lesson before things got this bad.

I ran my hand through my hair, pulling on the strands, hoping the pain would keep me grounded. It didn’t.

I wiped my eyes the best I could and put on a smile.

Just drive. Drive as far away as you can.

Loud honking sounds made me flinch. I turned just in time to see a minivan rushing towards me. I froze, hoping whoever was driving would turn. But that didn’t matter. Our cars collided, and mine went tumbling down the road.

I gasped, my head smacked onto something, and pain rushed through me. I shut my eyes and prayed to the goddess to help me.

The car was still rolling, and the pain only got worse.

Is this how it ends? In an accident with my brain full of regrets?

I never thought I would die like this.

WARNING: This story contains explicit content like vulgar language, explicit depictions of sex, a taboo relationship, and violence. Proceed with caution.