Chapter 41: Sutton

 

I was tired. Hell, I was exhausted. And sore. And emotionally raw. I didn’t have it in me to keep discussing everything that had happened. I didn’t think I could question my entire life any more than I already was.

Twenty-four hours.

That’s all it took for what little I had to fall apart. Less than that really. Last night I had started to let myself believe things could work here. Then I met Lucas’ family. I watched the way his aunt and uncle were together. I saw the love and devotion there was between them, which is saying something since Rodney Danvers didn’t strike me as a particularly emotive individual. But more than that, I saw how kind and open and patient they were. They were good people. I couldn’t imagine someone with a cruel heart being raised by those two individuals in that environment.

I still didn’t want to believe that. But I really needed to stop considering what I wanted to believe. I needed to start facing reality and making decisions based on what I knew was true.

But what the hell was that?

Now, within the span of a few hours, nothing in my life was true.

We pulled into the garage and I rushed out of the truck as quickly as my aching body would allow. I was avoiding Lucas. It may have been cowardly, but I just didn’t know how to face him. So, I went straight upstairs to the bedroom, fell into bed and curled into a ball.

A few minutes later, Lucas came into the room. I could feel his eyes on me. I could tell he was trying to think of something to say. Ultimately, he just laid down in the bed behind me. I tried to fall asleep but it wasn’t happening. Every time I closed my eyes, I pictured my hands turning into huge claws. I felt my bones and muscles being stretched and broken as they changed. Even though I knew what it was — I understood on some level that it was natural — for me, it still felt horrifying.

I didn’t think I could do it.

But Lucas would never accept that. He was so adamant that I find my wolf. That I embrace being a lycan. He’d never be okay with just letting me be a human like I always had been. No one in the pack would.

I was right when I told him I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong anywhere.

I thought about the lake Tarrah had mentioned her and Jaden vacationing at when they were kids. I thought about how she described how secluded it was but that the people were kind. Maybe that’s where I needed to be.

But I definitely couldn’t be here anymore. And I didn’t have any more excuses.

Listening carefully, I made sure Lucas was asleep before shifting my legs over the side of the bed. I ignored the increase in my heart rate and the tightness that occurred in my chest. I resisted the urge to look back at him one more time. With a silent deep breath, I stood from the bed and tiptoed my way out of the room.

I made it downstairs and took it as a sign that Lucas had left our bags at the end of the hall. All I would need to get by for a little while was in there. I picked it up and slung it over my shoulder before turning towards the garage. I paused as I passed his office, feeling guilty about not saying anything at all. I let out an exacerbated sigh but ultimately decided to leave a note. I admitted it wasn’t close to adequate. Just a promise to pay him back one day. But it was better for my conscience than nothing, I supposed.   

Leaving it on his desk, I went back to the hall. Grabbing my bag and securing the key to the SUV, I moved toward the door. My heart was beating in my ears. There was an ominous feeling in my gut and it seemed like I was walking through mud. A pang struck my heart with each step I took. But I couldn’t turn back. I wouldn’t turn back. I was finally making a decision for myself. Sometimes the right choices hurt.

Besides, it’s not like I would be missed for that long. Lucas already had a life. He’d move on and go back to what he was expected to do. I was just muddying things up. Causing problems for him and his pack. This was the best thing I could do for everyone.

I grabbed the doorknob. I was preparing to turn it when a hand hit the wood hard, making me jump as it held the door firmly in place.

“No,” a deep, low growl rumbled behind me. “You’re not doing this, Sutton.”

I held my breath. No… I couldn’t breathe. I was frozen. Everything but my heart which was still racing.

“You’re not leaving me,” Lucas snarled. “You’re not sneaking out in the middle of the night without explanation. You will talk to me, Sutton. You owe me that much.”

I winced but my last shred of pride reared its head.

“Why? Because of all you’ve done for me?” I asked bitterly, remembering the promise he had made to me.

He grabbed my arm, his other hand going around my throat as I was spun against the wall.

“Because you’re not a coward,” he practically yelled.

I stared into his eyes, unable to look away. I should have been terrified. I should have been expecting to lose my life or at least consciousness. I should have expected to end up battered and bruised again. My head kept telling me that’s what was going to happen.

But my heart didn’t agree. My instincts were calm. With all the anger in his voice, all I saw in his eyes was hurt. Fear, even.

I don’t know how much time passed as I searched for something to say. Lucas exhaled heavily. His hand sliding to the nape of my neck as he rested his forehead on mine.

“Talk to me, Sutton,” he urged. “Tell me why you’re leaving. Tell me how to stop you.”

“You shouldn’t want to…” the words spilled out without me thinking.

“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked. “Tell me why I shouldn’t want you with every part of me?”

“Because I’m not who you want me to be,” I stated. “I can’t do it. I can’t be a lycan. I… I don’t want a wolf.”

I knew the admission would hurt him. I knew it would disgust him. He would never look at me the same way again. He could never accept me as his mate. It would have been one thing if I was just a human. But to be a lycan and reject my own wolf? He would despise me.

At least, that’s what I expected.