CHAPTER 1: ECHOES OF THE DEPARTED

“I spy something purple,” Kelly said. My family was taking me out to eat for Mother’s Day at my favorite sushi restaurant. On the way, Kelly recommended we play I Spy because it’s my favorite car game. In reality, it’s not my favorite game; it’s Kelly’s.

Kelly wants to play I Spy wherever we go. On the way to daycare, to Grandma and Grandpa’s houses, or on vacation, she never gets tired of it. It makes her happy, so I was okay with it being my favorite for today.

Kelly looks like me—tall and skinny with red hair and dark blue eyes. Except, she has the most adorable freckles. She had on her favorite pink butterfly shirt, jean shorts, and her favorite light-up Hello Kitty shoes. For accessories, she had on a beaded necklace that she made in preschool. To finish off the look, she had to have her favorite purple triceratops named Bunny.

Why you would name a dinosaur Bunny, I have no idea, but to a 2-year-old, it makes sense. I made the mistake of telling her that it’s not a bunny, so maybe she should name it something different, and she lost her shit for like 3 hours. Do not recommend.

Kelly is the kindest, most selfless kid I have ever known. She has a pure heart of gold. She will help anyone whom she feels needs help. Not because she wants the recognition; as a matter of fact, recognition makes her uncomfortable. She believes that you should always help others because it’s simply the right thing to do. She has absolutely no problem spending her allowance to help others, too.

“Your shirt,” replied her brother, Asher, with a sigh while rolling his eyes. Asher has blonde hair with green eyes and is his dad’s mini-me. He is going to be over six feet tall when he is done growing. He was wearing a simple pair of black basketball shorts and a green Minecraft shirt. He is the easiest to shop for on birthdays and holidays. Basketball, football, and Minecraft stuff. That’s all he wants. Like I said, easiest 14-year-old to shop for. Ever.

Asher is super protective of his baby sister and her biggest cheerleader. I don’t think I have ever heard them fight. I have no doubt that Kelly has a heart of gold. She learned it from her big brother, who is also her best friend. They are two peas in a pod and the most perfect children.

“Yep,” Kelly says. She doesn’t really understand the game. She just repeats what her brother just spied on. I mean, what do you expect from a 4-year-old who adores her big brother? They have a bond that I will never understand. Maybe it’s because they are 10 years apart. I feel like if they were closer in age, the adoration between them would not exist.

Even as a baby, Asher was able to get Kelly to stop crying when I all but gave up on trying to figure out what was wrong, and sometimes ended up crying myself. Parenting is hard.

While crying non-stop, I would change, feed, and burp Kelly. I would swaddle and snuggle her, with no success. Connor, my husband, not even close.

Then, in comes Asher, smiling and telling her it will all be okay in a super soft, sweet voice. She goes from crying bloody murder to a happy, giggling girl in the blink of an eye. So unfair!

“Mommy, red light, which means you have to stop,” says Kelly as we approach a red light.

“Yep, you clever girl. Red means stop, but when it turns yellow, that means we can go,” I say, knowing that she’s going to giggle, and she does.

“No, Mommy, yellow means slow down and prepare to stop. Green means go.” Kelly just rolls her eyes, as if to say ‘duh.’

“Mom, why do you always drive?” Asher asks. I think Asher can do literally anything. He is super observant and smart, and I’m not saying that because I’m his mom; he is a true genius. He would much rather sit back to watch and observe.

I watched him one time as his eyes darted back and forth to take in his surroundings. He has the cutest facial expressions. When he learns something new, his face lights up, and you see a small smile. When he gets upset or mad at what he sees, he gets a cute little furrow in his brow as his eyebrows pinch together. When he sees someone getting bullied and is about to step in, he becomes super focused, like he’s planning actions and reactions.

I sat and watched him for 10-15 minutes. When he was ready to move on, I asked him what he observed. At 7 years old, he was able to articulate his observations, how he felt, the actions he would take, and the different possible consequences they would have. Asher saw things I would never have thought of.

“I drive because Daddy can’t.” Then, with a spooky voice, I say, “It’s so sssccarrry.”

The kids start laughing. Connor is trying to convince them that’s not why, which only makes them laugh harder. Finally, he gives up, and they start to settle down.

He knows that I prefer to drive; it’s a control thing. Plus, he owns several construction businesses across five states, so he drives and travels all the time. When he’s home, he doesn’t want to drive, and I do. It’s a win-win. Plus, I always get what I want.

Connor and I have grown up together since we were babies. Our moms were best friends, so we were around each other all the time and grew up best friends. We never thought of dating each other. Even though I am two days older than Connor, we always viewed each other as big brother/little sister.

When we broke up with our boyfriends/girlfriends, we were each other’s rock. I would tell him to ‘suck it up, buttercup, and get over it.’ He would hold me and let me cry on his shoulder. He has seen me at my ugliest and worst, but he never used it against me.

When we graduated high school, we decided to go to the same college. Connor went for business so he could start his own construction business, and I went for music education. He always said that I have the voice of an angel, and I love working with kids. So, I put my two loves together and taught the high school choir in the town we grew up in.

When we were in our junior year in college, I called him drunk at a party. He came and picked me up, drove and carried me into my dorm room, then helped get my jammies on. When I turned around, he was right there and surprised me. I stumbled forward, and my lips landed on his. We broke away quickly and looked into each other’s eyes. It was at that moment that we saw each other as more than big brother/little sister, but as someone we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. We started dating after staying the night together. He is my best friend, husband, cheerleader, motivator, and literally the only person I would trust my life with and die for—well, him and my kids. I don’t know what I would do without him.

“Okay, Daddy, it’s your turn,” Kelly says, getting back into game mode.

“Hmm…I spy… with my little eye… something... blue.” Connor says from the passenger seat. Kelly and Asher start looking around, searching for something blue.

“The-” Asher’s guess was cut off by the sound of metal crushing against metal.

I was jerked to the left, and my head hit the window hard. Pain blossomed on the side of my head, and my vision went blurry. I probably had a concussion.

Several sickening crunching sounds came from the seat to the right of me, where my husband was. I looked over at him to see if he was okay, and no words could describe the sight.

A truck hit Connor’s side of the car. The window was shattered, and the glass was embedded in his face, neck, chest, and arm. His neck was twisted at an awkward angle with a piece of metal sticking out the side of his neck as blood stained his face, neck, and chest. I knew he was gone.

I couldn’t breathe. My heart hurt so badly I cried out in pain. My heart and soul were crushed. I lost my other half, my lifeline.

How am I going to raise our kids without him? I can’t do it on my own. I need him.

If it wasn’t for my kids, I would have completely lost it. “Asher, Kelly, are you okay?” I ask frantically when I can finally breathe again.

Silence.

No, no, no, this can’t be happening, I thought, trying to keep calm but totally freaking out inside.

Looking back behind Connor, I choked on a sob.

Kelly’s body was twisted at a weird angle. Her head was lying forward with blood dripping from her mouth and onto her jacket. There was a large gash along the side of her head, from temple to neck. Reaching back, I checked for a pulse. Nothing. My baby girl was gone.

“Asher!? Asher, talk to me, buddy!”

Nothing.

“No. No. No. Just hang on. Mommy is coming to get you,” I say, crying.

Struggling to get out of my seatbelt with blurry vision from tears. I finally managed to get the damned thing off. I opened the door and just about fell on weak legs.

After finally getting my legs to work, I used the side of the car for support. I walked on wobbly legs to my son’s door behind mine and opened it.

There was blood on the side of his head where it hit the window. I checked for a pulse.

It was faint, but it was there.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I thought, thank God he is still alive.

I have already lost my husband and daughter. I absolutely can’t lose Asher, too. I don’t know what I would do if I lost all of them.

I cradled his head gently in my arms as I cried for my husband and baby. My heart was shattered, held together only by the boy in my arms.

I could hear police car’s sirens in the distance getting louder. The fire department and ambulance were right behind them since they are only a couple of blocks away.

From the time the accident occurred to the time they arrived, it had only been a couple of minutes, but it felt like forever.

I watched as they loaded Asher onto a stretcher and into an ambulance before I let them lead me to my own. They said that my husband and daughter will be right behind us.

On my way to the hospital, I kept praying that Asher would be okay, over and over. I need him to be okay.

As soon as we got to the hospital bay, they unloaded me from the ambulance, and I searched for my son.

I watched as they unloaded Asher and wheeled his stretcher to the double doors leading into the emergency room.

Asher was covered from head to toe in a white sheet.

He did not make it, and I let out a soul-crushing cry.

All because a truck ran a red light, I had lost everything.