The Struggles

Camille

I’m running as fast as my feet can carry me. My heart is thumping so hard, and I can’t think straight. When I received the call twenty minutes ago, I didn’t believe it, but as I got closer to the hospital, I couldn’t help but feel like dropping to my knees. She really was at the hospital. Again.

I never should have sent her to school. I never—God, why now?  

“Hi…” I’m pointing so heavily, the words even come out. “Eloise James,” I say to the nurse I find by the reception. My heart is beating so fast.

The nurse takes her time typing up, and I want to grab the screen and check for myself. Why does she have to take so long?

‘Calm Camille. Keep Calm’ my inner voice seems to remind me, and I bit my lower lip trying to keep calm, but I can’t help it. Anxiety is creeping all over me.

This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have taken that bloody job. I shouldn’t have sent her to school.

“Please, could you…” I want to say something, but she ignores me, turning to her friend and responding to something she asks. They both break out in laughter.

I can’t lose my shit right now. I remind myself.

 I take a deep breath. It normally works for me. So, I put on a smile and leaned over the counter.

“Hi... Excuse me,” I wave my hand in her face; she turns to me with a frown on her face.

 “What?” She doesn’t sound interested in what I have to say. It’s like I’m disturbing her.

“Excuse me, could you please check for me? She was brought to the hospital about half an hour ago.” 

“What’s her name?” She asks me, and I can’t believe she is asking me something that I told literally less than five minutes ago.

I take a deep breath. I can’t afford to cause a scene.

 “Eloise James. Eight-year-old”

“Oh,” she says with a disgusted face. It’s the look that most people give us when they find out who she is.

 An abomination. Some called her.

I shake my head. Not today.

“She is in the ER. Should be…” before she can finish explaining to me. I have already taken off, running as fast as my feet can carry me.

“Elosie?” I’m shouting around the ER. I open the first curtain, and there’s an elderly woman, and I apologize, and continue down the curtains. And when I see the school nurse who brought her, I break into a fast run.

 “Eloise!” I shout, running to hug her. “Camille,” she cries, holding her middle. I pull her into my arms, taking a deep breath.

“What happened to her? What’s wrong?” I ask, soothing her. She holds tight to me, and I don’t let her go. I can’t help but feel this is all my fault.

“I’m here. We are fine,” I assure her, even though we’re fine from being fine. But she doesn’t need to know that. I’ll never let her worry about things I can handle.

“She just started complaining about a headache, and when I went to check on her, she had passed out.” The nurse explains to me. I turn my head so I can listen to what she has to say.

 “It hurts, Camille,” she cries, and I sigh heavily.

“You will be fine, sweetie. I promise,” I plant a kiss on her forehead.

“Camille James?” The doctor asks when he walks into the room, and I simply nod. “Yes.”

“What’s wrong with my sister?” I ask him, and he looks to the school nurse, who excuses herself, probably going back to work.

“Well, do you mind stepping out with me for a minute?” The doctor asks me. I look to Elosie; she is a strong girl and can handle anything. But the doctor looks like he doesn’t want her to hear what he has to say.

 “No, Camille, don’t leave me,” she cries, holding onto my hand. I lean in, brushing back her hair. “I just need to talk to the doctor, okay?”

She whimpers, shaking her head. I know how much she hates hospitals. We spent three years in one, and just when she was finally getting better, why did this happen?

“I promise I will be back, and we can get hot chocolate, okay?” I ask her, a smile on my face, and she looks at me with those mismatched eyes pleadingly. She doesn’t want me to go.

“Who’s a big girl?” I ask.

She looks at me, then inhales sharply. “Me.”

“Good. And what do big girls do when it hurts?” I ask her, cupping her face, and she blinks, tears falling from her eyes.

 “They shake it off.”

“Good. We’re going to shake it off, okay? And no more tears.” I wipe her tears.

I plant a kiss on her forehead. I know it must hurt, but she smiles at me weakly as I walk away with the doctor. As soon as we’re a safe distance, I cross my arms over my chest, then arch a brow. “Yes?”

 “Ms. James. I understand your sister is…”

I cut in. “I know what she is.” He doesn’t need to spell it out for me.

“Then you know there’s nothing we can do for her here, right?” He asks me, and I wet my lips, blinking back. I know it’s the routine reaction I get from doctors once they find out who she is.

“Can’t you give her something for the pain? She was on—”

“She can’t take any more painkillers. Her body can’t handle them anymore,” the doctor says, looking at me pitifully.

“I know. But can’t you make the pain stop? She could…” I want to say, then pause, taking a deep breath.

 “Please. Just stop the pain. I will do whatever I can. Just do it,” I plead with him, and he lowers his head, looking towards the bed, then back at me.

“I hate to say this, but have you considered letting her go to St. Charles Hospital? Maybe they can—”

“No, I’m not letting them touch a single hair on her.” I retort, shaking my head. I know what they do to things they don’t understand. I can’t believe he would suggest that. She is just a child.

“It would help her.”

“No. I think we’re fine. Is there a way to ease her pain?” I ask him, and he sighs, shaking his head.

“Thank you.” There’s no reason for us to stay here anymore if they can’t help her.

 “Ms. James?” He calls, and I halt my step, turning to him. “Have you considered maybe it’s what’s best for her?” He asks, his face straight.

“What?”

He says his voice is so fucking calm, “Letting her go.”

 “You’re a fucking doctor. How could you even suggest that?” I ask him.

“All I’m saying is, the girl is in pain. Don’t you think it would be better if you let her go?” He asks me as I scoff.

“You know what? Fuck you!” I growl, then walk away, my heart beating so fast. Tears prick my eyes, but I have to be strong for her. I blink them back; he is not the first person who has asked me to do it, and probably won’t be the last.

“Come on, El. We are leaving.” I remove the IVS, picking up her shoes.

 “Ms. James, all I am saying is...” He tries to reason with me, but I swear, if I don’t get out of here soon. I might end up killing someone.

“Please. Just let me leave,” I say, carrying Elosie in my arms. She wraps her tiny arms around my neck; I pick up her schoolbag and sling it on my shoulder.

 “I’m just trying to help if you could—” he tries to touch me, but I’m already out the door. If they can’t help her, then there’s no reason to be here.

I hurriedly walk out of the hospital with Elosie in my arms, her face buried in the crook of my neck.

“I’m getting you out of here,” I assuredly tell her, carrying her in my arms. I made the promise to her when I decided to take care of her just when she was two, and I am never breaking that promise; that’s why I have to take her away from this hospital.

“It hurts,” she cries, holding on tight to me.

“I know, baby.” I hold on tight to her.