NOT ENOUGH

Just touch me baby,’ she whined, arching impatiently against his hand. He couldn’t make either of them wait any longer. Slowly, he brought his middle finger down and slid it gently over my folds. She  threw her  head back. ‘God, yes. Keep going.’ He did it again, this time his fingertip slipping between and gathering her  wetness. He parted her wide legs and used his two fingers and found her clit, rubbing it in small circles. She cried out against his lips, and was lost. The taste of him, the smell of him, the feel of him so close against her, skin to skin. Time and space had no meaning anymore. There was only this moment.”

He pushed her leg aside and sank inside her. She groaned and arched, forcing him to speed up to a faster pace. His fingers clenched over her thigh and he moved harder, deeper, shafting  long, fast strokes. Delicious she moaned. 

she slid his hands down over his back, slick with sweat, and grasped his pumping buttocks. He pressed his mouth against my neck and kissed her.  His tongue working over her sensitive skin.  

‘Fuck,’ he mumbled.” “you are so sweet baby” “i love you so much my queen”...

“Queen” 

“Queen”  “james called her name so loud” “can’t you see the bucket is full, where is your mind”

Oooh she snapped off the memory that she used to have with james as she entered the bathroom to have her bathe with a wide towel wrapped all over her big body. 

 There was a time James couldn’t keep his hands off her, they made love everywhere, at his house, her place, club restroom, in the car, literally any hidden space they saw.

James is so good in bed that her makes her forget who she is sometimes. He called her beautiful, and treated her as how name implies, like a royal queen but everything changed.

she shut the bathroom door behind her, had her bathe and change into a sexy lingerie or at least that was what she called it, ovulation made me do that, i needed to be touched by a man, i want to feel him inside of him, i want to scream so loud that the neighbors would come knocking on the door i am i woman with needs. Ovulation made me come to my boyfriend’s house at this ugly hour. After bathing she went to his room to try her luck.

James, she called his name, baby, I am horny and so wet down there, please touch me,  make me feel like a woman, it's been weeks and you haven’t made love to your girlfriend or are you getting it elsewhere, I said jokingly. I went closer to him and started kissing him gently, "Not like that," he muttered, moving my hand away without looking at me. "You're breathing too loud."  I froze, embarrassment prickling hot across my skin. "Sorry baby ill be more careful," I whispered, He didn't answer, I continued forcing my tongue into his mouth, finding my hand into his pants now, Can you just—" He stopped himself, jaw tight. "Never mind."

"What?" I asked, propping up slightly. "Just tell me."

"Nothing. Forget it." He turned away from me, reaching for his phone on the nightstand, the blue light washing over his face. "I have an early shoot tomorrow. A client booked for the whole morning, and I need to sleep. 

Please can you let me do that."  I  hadn't realized, until that exact moment, how much I still wanted it anyway.

Why don’t you want me anymore? She pulled the blanket closer around herself. “Did I do something wrong?” A sigh escaped him. “Do we really have to do this tonight?”

Yes please, talk to me the silence is killing me

James let out a breath through his nose, the sound of a man being forced to explain something he considered obvious. "Don't do this tonight, Queen." 

"You haven't touched me in weeks." Her voice cracked, "I just want to know why."

He was quiet long enough that she thought he might not answer at all. Then he sat up, switched on the lamp, and looked at her in a way that made her wish he hadn't.

"You want the truth?" he said. "Fine. It's hard to want to touch you when you've let yourself go like this, I can't even make love to you like I used to, your stomach is everywhere. Every time you come near me, all I see is a woman who stopped caring. I have to force myself not to look away, let alone touch you."The thought of sleeping with you makes me feel trapped." 

Her stomach dropped. “What do you mean trapped?”

You wanted the honesty right, well, there you have it. 

"That's not honesty, James. That's just cruelty with bitter manners."  "Call it whatever you want." He switched off the lamp and lay back down, done with the conversation, done with you. "I have a client at nine. 

She smiled softly, none of those words were new to her, but coming from a man who used to adore her and about to spend the rest of her life with sounded strange. There was a time when James couldn’t keep his hands off her. A time when he looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world. A time when his kisses felt like promises and his touch made her believe she was worthy of being loved. Back then, they couldn’t stay away from each other. They stole moments whenever they could long drives that ended with conversations until sunrise, spontaneous dates, stolen kisses in crowded places. James had made her feel desired. Special.

He turned the lamb back on, Queen, look at yourself.” The words stung. “He pointed at her. “You wanted the truth, didn’t you?  Tears immediately burned behind her eyes. “I’ve been trying.”

“Trying isn’t enough.” Queen stared at him. “I don’t understand.” James shook his head. “I spend every day working with women who take care of themselves.”  There it was again. The comparison. Always the comparison.

“You know who booked a session with me tomorrow?” Queen said nothing. “Victoria Sam.” Her blood ran cold. Victoria. The same Victoria who had spent years making fun of her in school. The same Victoria who called her names and laughed whenever she walked into a room. The same victoria who made the whole school call her clown. That same victoria?? 

“Victoria’s successful because she has discipline,” James continued. “She works for what she wants.” Queen frowned.

“Why are you bringing her up?” “Because she’s proof that hard work pays off.”

“She’s beautiful. She’s confident. She’s built a career for herself.” Each sentence felt like another wound. “And what exactly are you trying to say?” “victoria has always been slim since our school days so what is so special about her now” 

James its not like my current size is a new development but I have always been a chubby girl, even before we started dating, even as a kid so why are you saying all of this to me now.

James looked her dead in the eye. “I’m saying that if you put half as much effort into yourself as Victoria does, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

After a long moment of silence, James stared at her, he reached for her hand, and despite everything,  she let him take it. 

Do you think I would be here if I did not love you ?

Do you think I enjoy having this conversation with you? 

Her chest tightened, then why are you doing this to me, she said with tears all over her eyes. 

Because I love you, I love you Queen. The tears she had been holding back finally slipped down her cheeks

You don’t say things like that to someone you love.” “That’s not true.” His voice softened. “I’m the only person willing to be honest with you.” silent.

“The world isn’t kind to women your size, Queen. I wish it were, but it isn’t.”

Every word felt broken. Which somehow made them hurt even more.

“I see how people look at you.” you are beautiful to me but what about others, do you want them to laugh at me? Society discriminate your type. His thumb continued stroking her hand. “And I hate it.”

“Then why do you make me feel worse?” “Because you’re kind.” Then came the blow. “But you’re hiding behind your weight.” “I know how beautiful you could be if you  choose to stop eating like a mother hen.”

Queen closed her eyes. “There it is.” “The part where you make me feel like I’m not enough.” Queen looked away. James lifted her chin.

“I want to marry you one day.” Those  words still had power over her.

“I want you to be the mother of my children.” A tear slid down her cheek.

“I want a future with you.” “Then love me as I am.” For the first time, James looked away. “I do love you as you are.” but it’s not about me, it’s about others, my friends, my colleagues, my family. I want you to be accepted.

And just like that, the hope disappeared again. Because James always knew exactly how to break her. And somehow convince her it was love.