I am so tired but I can’t fall asleep. My mind has a million thoughts racing through it. I really should try to rest. I haven’t slept since the hospital called me. I was at work and happened to be between sets. Friday nights are always crazy busy and I make more tips that night than I do the rest of the week, excluding Saturday. Which means I need to be on the stage or on the floor as much as possible. I wasn’t going to answer but something in my gut told me I needed to. I answered the strange number and my worst nightmare unfolded when I answered. It was Audra. I’m her emergency contact for all medical things. She appointed me as her emergency contact and medical power of attorney after the first time Tyler put her in the hospital. I raced out of the club and drove the 4.5 hours straight from Hurley to Minneapolis. I contemplated a detour to kill the bastard but after a few phone calls, I learned he was in jail over the incident. She was still unconscious when I got here, but s
“I swear to god, D. He was pitching a freaking tent when I did meds last round. It was so awkward.” While we ate lunch, I confessed to Danna what happened this morning between Matthew looking at me like I was a tasty snack and walking in on him snoozing with a raging erection. “Like a single person tent or a circus tent? I need to know… for science or whatever.” “Oh for fucks sake, D…” I roll my eyes “I don’t know. I didn’t look.”“I wanna look. I could look at his perfect ass all day long. I wonder if his ass is as tan as his face.”I open my mouth to speak but words don’t come out. I feel like my brain is short circuiting. “What? I’m never going to know. I’m a married woman. You’re going to have to take one for the team and find out for me.”“DANNA!” I whip my granola bar at her and turn bright red. I was mortified thinking about it. She finally stops laughing and manages to put on her serious mama bear face. “Listen. If the guy is making you uncomfortable, you need to speak w
I lay Daniel on Matthew’s chest and place a blanket over both of them for added warmth. “Hold on” Matthew says, pushing the blanket back for a moment “look at this.”He places his index finger underneath Daniel’s tiny hand. Daniel squirms a bit but then gently squeezes his father’s finger.“That’s amazing! Great job, little buddy!” I proudly exclaim. I cover them and have a sudden thought. “Matthew. Would you like me to take your photo? Of you and Daniel?”He looks up from his son with a bewildered look, as if he hadn’t thought to do that before. “That would be great.” He says, unlocking his phone before handing it to me. I switch to portrait mode and snap a half dozen photos from different angles before handing it back. He scrolls through them and his smile reveals his perfectly straight white teeth. “These are wonderful. I didn’t know my phone camera could do this.”“I’m glad you like them. Can I get you anything else? Something to eat or drink?”“No, thank you.”I smile and
“You need to take a night off. Self care isn’t just a mom thing, you know.” My sister, Ava, lectures me. “You said Daniel is thriving at the hospital lately. You can take a night off to go do something for yourself.”I don’t want to admit it, but she is right. I need to do something other than sit at the hospital, even if it is staying home and getting a good nights sleep for once. “I don’t even know what to go do.” I run my hand through my thick black hair and try to come up with either an excuse or something to do. “Want to go to dinner? I am dying for some Fogo de Chão.”“That actually sounds amazing. I haven’t been there in forever. Let me change and we can go.”Since this self care thing means I’m supposed to be doing something for me, I decide we are going to take my white Shelby GT500. I am in the mood to have fun and make the most of the night. Fast cars were everything before I had Daniel. The feeling of being one with the car as I race down the highway through St. Paul an
An alarm pierces through the silent hallways. I lock my computer and follow the sound to room 312. Matthew isn’t here tonight- none of the other nurses let him stay and I was here unexpectedly tonight. I check the monitor and note that it’s reading Daniel’s heart rate at an incredibly low rate. I open the side of his isolette to listen to his heart and as soon as my hand touches him, my heart drops. His skin is on fire. He has a fever. I page the on call physician, Dr. Crowe, who arrives moments later. Together we carefully examine Daniel and note his stomach is incredibly bloated. I scan over the previous shift’s chart notes and see he was not taking his feeds well and was sleepier than usual. Both of which should have raised red flags. Dr. Crowe orders X-rays which confirm our suspicions: Daniel has NEC. We also suspected an infection due to the fever. I start the IV antibiotics as soon as the pharmacy delivers them and I page the on call surgical team to prep for emergency su
In nursing school, we were taught compassion while maintaining distance. Avoid becoming emotionally attached to a patient. I did the exact opposite, and Daniel’s death has devastated me. I come home and try to sleep after what might be the worst day in the entirety of my career. Sleep eludes me. When it does come, it isn’t restful. Instead it is fueled by nightmares and when I wake each time I am drenched in a cold sweat. I give up on trying to sleep anymore and take a shower. I pray for the hot water to just wash away my sadness. I sigh heavily before turning off the water. I quickly dry off and change into black leggings and a royal blue cropped tee. It’s late afternoon now so I decide to call Simon. We talk for a while about what happened today before I decide to shoot my shot. “Let’s be together. Let’s make this official. We’ve wasted so many years pretending to be just friends and I don’t want to let us slip away.”“Audra… I’m going to be here for another 3 years. I’m 1300 m
The smell of strawberry and sweat fill my nostrils as the dark-skinned dancer makes her way across the stage in front of me, trying to charm me with her fluid-like movements. If it were any other night, her naked body would’ve cast a spell upon me, provoking thoughts of lust and sin. But not tonight. I truly don’t even know why I’m here other than I refuse to go back to my empty house where an empty nursery waited for a baby that would never come home. What was once a happy home was now a prison of guilt and sorrow I am desperate to escape. The loud music vibrates in my chest as the dancer takes her tip and pulls my head into her breasts, rubbing them across my face. When she pulls away, I can see the glitter on her chest shimmering under the stage lights. I’m guessing it’s now all over my face too. I’m distracted by my thoughts when out of the corner of my eye I see someone take a seat next to me. The smell of coconut and vanilla overpower the smell of strawberry from the dancer.
I make my way across the club and sit next to Matthew at the tip rail. I had come to the club with the intention of asking the owner to perform a few sets, however Matthew’s presence put a stop to that. Dancing sets my soul on fire. Having all eyes on me as I spin on the pole, being desired by everyone watching. It gave me a high like no drug ever could. I hadn’t danced professionally in years; Not since I graduated nursing school. I missed it and I needed that fix tonight. Matthew buys us drinks all night, both of us feeling nothing but intense sexual desire by the time the club is starting to wind down. I could see him watching me engaging in semi-erotic behavior with another woman was turning him on. He insists I’m too intoxicated to drive, and he’s not wrong, but I had no intention of driving home. I tell him I’m getting a hotel room, leaving the statement open to his interpretation. He walks me to the hotel and before I go in I press my body against his, feeling that he’s rea