CHAPTER ONE

JULIAN

I didn’t know love could ruin everything I cared about.

Which is funny to me because I grew up never knowing the true meaning of love.

To me, it was just a word I heard everywhere, a word people used freely but I never understood.

No one ever used it for me and I never thought to use it for anyone.

I can’t really be blamed for it.

My father and mother were never around long enough to teach me. They moved from country to country, chasing business deals, leaving me behind in a house that was too large and too empty. Even when they were present, they existed like we were nothing more than strangers sharing the same space.

To be honest, I don’t think they have a true grasp of what the word means either.

The first time I heard the word was in a movie when I was six. I remember being confused and turning to my nanny to ask what it meant. 

She said, “Love is what you feel for someone close to you. It’s wanting the best for that person, sometimes even at the expense of yourself. It’s a deeper form of liking someone.”

I frowned. “How do you know when you love someone?”

She smiled and replied simply, “When you know, you know. No one has to tell you.”

I remember being even more confused with her answer.

“Do you think Mum and Dad love me?” I’d asked, with all the innocence of a six year old.

She hesitated for just a second. “I’m sure they do, sweetheart.”

But even then, I knew she was lying. My parents didn’t even love each other.

I spent years not fully understanding what my nanny meant.

Until I met him.

Theo Bennett.

My best friend.

We’d met when we were eleven at one of those suffocating business parties that our parents dragged us to. We gravitated toward each other almost immediately, two bored kids looking for an escape.

After that, we were inseparable.

Same schools. Same classes. Same life.

For the first time in a long while, I didn’t feel lonely.

People said we wouldn’t last but they were wrong.  Because here we were, at the same university, Theo still beside me.

Without him, I wouldn’t have lasted this long.

Now, sitting across from him on one of the benches in the courtyard, I think back to what my nanny said about love.

I stare at Theo’s face, at the long eyelashes that rest daintily against his cheekbones, at his full, pink lips, at his sharp jawline, at the dark brown hair that frames his face perfectly.

I think about how happy I am when we spend time together, how I’m willing to do anything for him and I wonder if this is it.

If this is love.

If love is wanting the best for the other person, even at the expense of yourself, then I know.

No one has to tell me.

I’m in love with my best friend.

Because I’m willing to do anything for him.

Which is why I’m instantly concerned when his easy expression disappears and his eyebrows pull together in a frown. He wrinkles his nose and his jaw clenches, his expression tight.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, feeling my protective instincts rise.

Theo doesn’t answer, his gaze is fixed somewhere behind me.

I turn my head to see what he’s looking at and I freeze.

A tall man with long dark hair pulled up in a low ponytail walks across the courtyard in front of us.

He’s dressed in a black jacket, one that is fitted just enough to hint at the athletic body beneath it. Beneath it, he wears a crisp designer shirt left open at the collar to reveal a sliver of skin. His trousers are cut to perfection, sharp lines falling clean over polished shoes.

Even from a distance, he commands attention.

I don’t have to wonder who he is because I know exactly who he is.

Nikolai Soren.

One of the most popular guys at Blackwood University. 

And also one of the most undeserving, in my opinion. 

He is cold, unfriendly and treats people like they are disposable. Like they are dirt beneath his expensive shoes.

And yet, people still fall over themselves for him, for some reason.

As if sensing my stare, he turns his head to glance at us. 

I go still as his eyes lock onto mine.

No, I understand exactly why men and women flock to him, hoping to be the one that is different.

Everything about him is curated to perfection. Controlled. Untouchable.

Maybe that’s it.

Maybe it’s the untouchable aura that makes him irresistible.

After all, there is nothing more exciting than touching something you were not allowed to.

I wonder if I’m the only one that can see that beneath all that perfection, there’s something else lurking beneath the surface. Something quiet and dangerous. Something you never see coming until it’s too late.

There is just something off about him but I can’t quite place what it is.

His expression is still hard and unyielding as he glances away and keeps walking.

“I hate him,” Theo mutters, drawing my attention.

His voice is uncharacteristically laced with bitterness and it makes me turn to face him.

Theo never hates anyone. He’s always sweet and friendly to everyone which is why he’s popular.

I’m surprised to hear he hates Nikolai Soren. I didn’t even know they knew each other.

“What?”

“Nikolai,” he says, his expression tight. “I hate him.”

My brows furrow. “Why?”

He hesitates for a bit and I press, “Did he do something to you?”

My hands tighten on the table in front of me involuntarily. I don’t care how dangerous Nikolai seems. If he touched my best friend, then I’m ready to make him pay in any way I can.

“It’s just…” He shakes his head. “Never mind.”

I’m even more concerned now. Theo never keeps secrets from me.

I reach across the table to cover his hand with mine.

“You know you can tell me anything. I’ve always got your back.”

He sighs and pauses for a beat before he speaks.

“You remember the guy I told you about? The one I dated?”

I nod. How could I forget? Just the thought of it makes me want to smash something.

Last year, a few months after we’d just got admitted into Blackwood, Theo got involved with a guy. I never met him but Theo told me everything. I knew they’d gone on a few dates, I knew they’d slept together and I also knew the guy had dumped him only after a month.

That whole month was one of the most stressful periods of my life.

I already know Theo would never love me like that, not in the way I want anyway, but the reminder still hurts.

“What about him?” I ask.

Theo hesitates for a second before saying, “It’s him. It’s Nikolai.”

I gasp, surprised.

I’m not sure why I am. This is exactly what Nikolai does. This is what he’s known for. 

I’m just surprised my best friend would fall for someone like that.

“I know, I know,” Theo says before I can say anything. He runs a hand through his hair. “It’s pathetic and I’m embarrassed. I shouldn't have fallen for him knowing his reputation but he was just so…”

He stops and shakes his head. “I’m so stupid.”

I shake my head. My hold on his hand tightens reassuringly. “You’re not stupid. You trusted him. He’s the stupid one for taking advantage of your trust.”

I grit my teeth. “Men like him do nothing but ruin people without looking back. They use and discard people like they’re trash.”

“It’s just sad that he gets to get away with it and pretend that nothing happened. I wish I’d never allowed myself to fall for his tricks,” Theo says, a note of regret in his voice.

My thumb caresses his knuckles in an effort to soothe him. 

I agree with Theo. I wish he hadn’t gotten involved with Nikolai at all.

In fact, I wish he won’t get involved with any other man at all.

Ever.

“I just wish he could get a taste of his medicine,” he adds. “I wish he’d fall in love with someone only for him to get dumped. Let him see how it feels.”

“I doubt that will ever happen,” I say ruefully.

People like Nikolai, people like my parents are too cold to ever love someone. I don’t think they’re capable of feeling things the way the rest of us do.

Theo sighs. “You’re right. But I wish it could happen.”

His expression in that moment scares me. For a second, he doesn’t look like Theo.

He looks cold and calculating, like he’s already planning Nikolai’s downfall in his head. And that terrifies me because my sweet Theo is not usually like this.

Just what did that cold, unfeeling bastard do to my best friend for him to be this way?

A sense of foreboding fills me then, my instincts raging at me, but I brush it away.

No matter how angry he is, Theo wouldn’t do anything. He couldn’t do anything.

At least that was what I thought.

If only I’d known better.

If only I’d known how much Nikolai had poisoned my best friend’s mind.

If only I’d listened to my instincts.