Chapter Seven

I lay in the water. My mind was aroused with so many thoughts, I could not even attempt to slow them. Despite the sound of the soothing jets desperately attempting to calm me, beating the hot cascading water all over my body, soaking me until my fingers and toes were all pruny, I could not shake the anguish that consumed me. I stared out into the twilight of the cool mid-fall night, looking for nothing, thankful for the emptiness I saw there. Nothing but columns of trees, looming in the shadowy light of dusk; giants enclosed all around me like a fortress. I pushed back tears that threatened to burn through my faux ambiance, my fingers tightly twisted around the vodka bottle like it was a pacifier. I was past this, wasn’t I? I shut my eyes tight against the onslaught of painful thoughts and allowed the crickets to lull me with their night song.

Perhaps I would fall asleep here, in this hot tub, in this cabin completely out in the middle of nowhere. No one would find me until I was good and dead. Ahhh. Death. Would she be mean to me, or would she graciously welcome me to the other side? What the hell was I thinking? Death? I pushed the thought from my head. I breathed deeply as the strong rich smells of the earth and decaying leaves penetrated my senses.

I was thankful for this. I needed this. Yes. I needed to be here away from the distractions of everyday life. A place where I could be alone to face my demons. And demons, they were. The kind that teases you and taunts you. Get in your face and remind you of what a loser you are and of all the stupid choices you'd ever made. Remind you of where you'd be right now if you hadn't been such a coward...or in my case an idiot. 

This night was my own little personal pity party, and I was the sole guest. I sipped my vodka and proudly embraced the burn as it washed down my throat. Tonight, I would allow myself to be the victim of life that I was. I raised my glass to my lips and looked out into the dark of the surrounding woods once more. The sun was beginning her slow descent into slumber. Perhaps, I should do the same. I couldn't keep reliving this ordeal. 

I closed my eyes tight trying to expunge the memory of my dad lying on that cold metal table in that freezing room with that thing  protruding from his lips. The closed casket funeral. I’d never seen my mom. At least my last recollection of her was fond, and I didn’t have an ugly memory like that I had of my dad to taint the beautiful picture I had of her in my mind. It had just been her birthday. She had turned seventy-nine. My dad was seventy, a few years younger than my mom. I’m sure she had received many raised eyebrows back in the day for her cougar ways. I laughed out loud at the thought.

My parents had been considerably older than those of friends my age. They were already in their late-forties, early fifties when I was born. Then my thoughts turned to Peter and his callousness, insinuating that I had somehow, inadvertently brought all of this on myself. He had been easy enough to divorce - if I’m being honest, that was only because I conceded to everything and fought for nothing. Otherwise, I’d probably still be battling him over minute things. But I didn’t care. I just wanted him the fuck out of my life as much as possible. But this whole custody mess was an entirely different matter. 

Not long after setting up home in my new cozy abode, I was served with the custody papers, shocked to discover that the dick was seriously seeking sole legal and physical custody of Evie. I had already exhausted what little money I had on the divorce and the move. And every time I called my attorney, that was that much more I owed him, as the retainer fee had been eaten up almost immediately. I had used most of the little bit of money that my parents had left me for the funeral, caskets, headstones, and plots. Then the retainer, down payment on my house, and fees to have my lights, phone, gas, and water turned on. There was very little left. 

Shortly after I’d gotten served, I had called on Julia, Peter’s older sister. She seemed to be spending a lot of time with Evie, as Peter was too busy with his new girlfriend to spend it with our daughter. This is one of the many reasons I’d been completely taken off guard when I received the custody papers. Why fight for a daughter you don’t even care to spend time with? I had called Julia because, once again, Evie was spending the night with her, and I’d called to tell Evie good night. After I cooed Evie, Julia and I talked for a long while, something we didn’t do much of while Peter and I were married. I’m not entirely sure why. I had always assumed she didn’t like me much. No, I didn’t assume it, Peter had told me she didn’t. 

Well, this particular night she’d had a loose tongue and informed me that Peter had been sitting on a ton of money ever since their parents had died. They had left the majority of the money to him – he was, after all, their “baby” – and they’d left him their house. Julia was complaining to me about it, or I seriously do not think she would have divulged such details. She was still bitter even after all  the years it’d been since their parents had passed. 

“It just seems that Peter lives a charmed life. What Peter wants, Peter gets,” she spewed like the words tasted foul. I marinated in those words. She wasn’t wrong. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. He was such a dick. Why should he, of all people, get to live a charmed life? I had never met a bigger piece of shit. What an asshole! 

I was livid. Peter’s parents had died years before we had even met. I had spent every moment since we had married working myself to death, finishing school, being pregnant, supporting us, even having to file bankruptcy, while he pursued his stupid, unproductive writing career, and he had money the whole time. And, apparently, a lot of it. Julia had gone on to caution me that Peter had the wealth to drag this custody thing out indefinitely. My heart sank. Had he not done enough to me?

Maybe I had asked for it as Peter had suggested. I rarely went to see my parents. With work and school, I barely had a minute to spare for some quality time with Evie or him. I sat my drink down on the small table beside the tub. The tears came like a tidal wave as I sunk my face into my hands. I let them. I allowed them to run down my face and vanish into the hot blue water. I heaved as I wailed and screamed violently into the empty darkness all around me.