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The Love I Couldn’t Have
The Love I Couldn’t Have
Penulis: Belle Grande

Chapter 1

Penulis: Belle Grande
Samuel Lewis handed me the glass of milk and stood quietly to the side, just watching me, Isaac Carter.

I was already used to his little gestures. I pressed the glass to my cheek for a moment before taking a sip.

He smiled and ruffled my hair.

"I'm practically your dad, taking care of you and all. I doubt you'd last a day without me."

Looking at his handsome face, my heart skipped a beat, and heat rushed to my cheeks. I lowered my gaze, afraid he might notice my feelings.

Just then, a bold classmate burst into the classroom. She clutched a test paper and ran straight toward Samuel.

"Samuel, do you know how to solve this problem?" she asked.

I was in the arts track while he was in the science track, and he was a grade ahead of me. There was no way I could join their conversation, so I quietly stood off to the side.

After Samuel explained the problem, the girl blushed and said, "You're so nice. Thank you for helping me."

Before he could even respond, the demands of the student council pulled him away. He left the classroom in a hurry, leaving just me and the girl.

With Samuel gone, she turned to me with a grin. "Do you like him?"

Her bluntness startled me, but I didn't feel the need to hide anything in front of her. I admitted it freely.

"Who wouldn't like someone like him?"

The girl, Hannah Smith, frowned. "Don't you think that's kind of gross? You're both guys. Stay away from me. You're weird. If he ever found out you said that, he'd probably be grossed out too."

Her words annoyed me, but part of me felt embarrassed too. How could she be so sure?

I was determined to make Samuel know how I felt. After school, I pushed through the crowd and grabbed his arm.

"I like you."

"Don't joke around."

Everyone around us was as shocked as Samuel, but I didn't care. My heart was so full of love for him that it felt like it would burst, and all I wanted was for him to hear it.

"I'm not joking. You're so good to me, and you're amazing at school. I like you because—"

Before I could finish, Hannah pulled Samuel away. She led him straight into the throng of students.

"Do you think he's gross too? I say we stay away from him. People like that are too weird," she said loudly.

All the while, she held Samuel's hand as they moved through the crowd. More and more eyes turned toward us, whispering and pointing, talking about me.

"Oh my god, he likes guys?"

"So that's why he's always clinging to the student council president."

"Doesn't he find himself gross? How creepy."

I was trapped in a storm of whispers, my chest tightening with fear and embarrassment, but also with a fierce refusal to back down. I summoned every ounce of courage and ran after Samuel, grabbing him again.

"Do you think the same way about me? I don't care what anyone else thinks. I just want to know how you feel."

He didn't expect me to be so bold. His expression turned awkward, and he quickly pulled his hand free before hurrying off with Hannah toward the school exit.

After seeing Samuel's reaction, Hannah turned to gloat at me.

"I told you he'd be grossed out. Just go away."

Samuel didn't look back. The sight of him walking away left me feeling utterly rejected. Tears streamed down my face, and no matter how much I tried to wipe them away, they just wouldn't stop.

"Sorry..."

It was as if God himself sensed my embarrassment, unleashing a torrential downpour that left me drenched from head to toe.

Samuel didn't like me, and I couldn't blame him. However, I couldn't forgive him for leaving me there, humiliated and alone, while everyone stared and whispered.

After that, Hannah made it her mission to make my life miserable. Every day after, she'd wait for me at the classroom door under the pretense of student council inspections, just waiting to harass me.

The moment I stepped out, she'd intercept me. At first, it was just shoving. Then it escalated. She pushed me harder, even tried to shove me down the stairs more than once.

Hannah was popular among the other students, and I was naturally left isolated.
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  • The Love I Couldn’t Have   Chapter 8

    Samuel had lived under constant torment, forced to question whether he was truly sick, until that torment destroyed him.Even after uncovering the full truth, there was no relief. No sense of victory. Only a hollow ache that stretched endlessly inside me.In the end, Samuel and I never got our chance.In the last few months of his life, we barely saw each other. When he came to my house to pack his things, maybe he was worried that I would fall apart after he was gone.If I hadn't loved him, would this tragedy have never happened?I couldn't ask a dead man, so I kept questioning myself. Even in my dreams, these questions played on repeat every single night. Maybe I asked them so much that eventually, Samuel stopped appearing in my dreams altogether.Still, I couldn't let go of the doubts. Why had he kept avoiding me? Why had he pretended to date Hannah?Yuvan reached out to her before I did."Why do you hate Isaac so much? He never did anything to you. Did Samuel really tell yo

  • The Love I Couldn’t Have   Chapter 7

    Yuvan pulled me into his arms when he heard my doubts, holding me close until my breathing steadied. His hand moved gently across my back, and I slowly began to calm down."His family sent him to the hospital for treatment, but he resisted. He went on a hunger strike to protest.""Protest? Weren't they trying to help him by getting treatment?"But in the back of my mind, a different thought flickered, wild and impossible to ignore.If Samuel had fought against his family, did that mean he didn't care that I was a boy? That he hadn't been disgusted by the way I loved him?Or maybe... maybe he had even felt the same toward me?-My own family had never cared much for me. As long as I was alive, that was enough for them. Samuel was the one who kept their numbers stored in his phone, not me.I realized that if I wanted help now, I'd have to turn to someone else. And yet, I was shocked to realize just how much Samuel had quietly taken on for me all these years.I couldn't reach any

  • The Love I Couldn’t Have   Chapter 6

    I slipped into the crowd after school and waited outside Hannah's classroom for her to come out.However, I discovered that she had already left early with a few friends. The moment I heard, I broke into a run, chasing until I finally caught sight of her."Please just let me go. I'm begging you."Hannah was usually so arrogant, but she dropped to her knees the second she saw me. She pleaded for mercy, while the friends walking with her scattered and vanished down the street.I crouched slightly, trying to calm her down. "I'm not here for revenge. I just want to know what really happened to Samuel. Can you help me find out from his family? I won't hold anything from the past against you."Even as I said it, I had no idea if she would actually agree. Hannah had hated me so much before, so why would she help me now?She stayed silent for a long time. I thought her answer was no and turned to leave, ready to think of some other way."I'll help you. But after this, I never want to se

  • The Love I Couldn’t Have   Chapter 5

    "I have to give them a good beating to get it off my chest, and I'm going to tell the teacher they're bullying people."I was used to this kind of harassment by now, so I just smiled and told Samuel it was nothing.When I opened my eyes, I was alone, lying in the dark bedroom.It was so cold. I wanted the warm milk Samuel used to make for me.But no one would ever heat milk for me again.Anger and stubbornness rose up inside me. I decided I would sneak into Samuel's house and take something of his, just one small thing to remember him by. I pulled myself out of bed, grabbed a cab, and went straight to the funeral parlor.When I arrived, I heard Samuel's family cursing me. Their words were vicious. They sounded like they wished I'd die just to join him in the grave.I meant to be quiet, to take one little keepsake and leave. But my presence caused an uproar. Samuel's relatives grabbed me and would not let go."What are you still doing here, you murderer? Haven't you done enough?

  • The Love I Couldn’t Have   Chapter 4

    Yuvan crushed me to his chest like he wanted to fold me into himself."He hurt you before, and you're still carrying the scars," he said, his voice tight with anger. "Maybe this is the payback he deserves."Yuvan's words and actions didn't comfort me. My mind kept going back to Samuel. I still couldn't accept what I had heard, so I slipped out alone and went to the address the girl had mentioned, just to be sure.When I stepped into the room and saw Samuel lying quietly in the coffin, all color drained from my face. He was completely motionless. I couldn't bear it and collapsed to the floor.He was really gone.Memories of us together came rushing back. Samuel had been our class president. He used to stand up for me when others made fun of my skinny frame. He spoiled me, taught me to rely on him, until I didn't know how to do anything on my own.So when Hannah started tormenting me, I had no one else to turn to but Samuel. By then, he didn't want anything to do with me, and I

  • The Love I Couldn’t Have   Chapter 3

    Yuvan didn't hesitate for a second before rejecting my suggestion. He didn't care what anyone thought. A gay couple had adopted him, so he had two dads.Yuvan had qualities I lacked. He was responsible, open-minded, and mature in ways that Samuel never was.Even though Yuvan treated me well, I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if he were Samuel. Even if Samuel didn't return my feelings, I wished he wouldn't despise me.After school that afternoon, Yuvan was fretting over the fact that he couldn't walk me home. I brushed it off and tried to comfort him, telling him it didn't matter. Lately, the people who had bullied me hadn't shown up anyway.The truth was, I didn't really care about them. I just felt lonely when I was alone. I wasn't from here, my family wasn't nearby, and I had always walked home with Samuel before.I had depended on Samuel since I was little. When he stopped hanging out with me, I struggled for a long time to accept it. I couldn't bear being alone

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