Chapter 2: Feeling Her Pain

Ezra

I step into the shower feeling so fucking useless. It’s been months since Margot has had a nightmare. It used to be almost every night that I’d hear her pleading in her sleep, and I’d rush to her bedroom, only to have her wake terrified, pushing me away, terrified of me and my touch.

I hate seeing that haunted look in her eyes. She works so hard to be strong, to maintain the persona of a woman who hasn’t suffered what she has. During the day, it works. But at night, when her conscious mind goes to sleep, her subconscious comes forward and forces her to deal with everything she’s trying to push away.

I knew taking her back to her previous pack would be difficult. However, it’s one thing to know it will be difficult and quite another to wake up with your mate wrapped in your arms, pleading for her first mate not to lock her into the room that is the focus of half her nightmares. I’m not sure which is worse, the nightmare about the room or the nightmare of him forcing himself on her. Both make me want to kill someone.

I scrub my face under the water, trying to get the pitiful sound of Margot’s pleading out of my head. She has worked so hard to make herself physically stronger, sometimes to the point that I have to force her to let her body rest. I’ve helped her as much as she’ll let me, sparring with her when she was weak, giving her pointers on how to be a better, stronger fighter. Now, she’s an incredible fighter. She can take on anyone in our pack and defeat them except me. But at night, when she can’t push away her past, the sound of her desperate pleas nearly breaks me.

And for me, it’s not just hearing her. I marked her. When she killed Joshua, the asshole who didn’t deserve her, she was ready to die. But I’d already told her that I couldn’t and wouldn’t lose another mate in my lifetime and I meant it. So, when she let go, ready to give herself to the Moon Goddess, I marked her. It saved her life, but it also created a one-way bond between us, one way from her to me.

So, when she has her nightmares, I have a front row seat to see exactly what happened to her. I not only hear her begging and pleading for Joshua to not put her in the hole, but through her eyes, I can see him dragging her. I can feel her terror. And when she has her nightmares about him forcing himself on her, I can feel her pain as sharply as she does.

I bend over in the shower and wretch as the emotions and images in my mind take over. I have no idea how Margot suffered through such torment. I have no idea how she suffered with that man forcing himself on her day after day, knowing that she made sure she’d never give him a pup. She willingly accepted his rough treatment of her, silently plotting against him, and then she suffered even more when she didn’t get pregnant by being thrown into the darkness.

If things hadn’t changed for her, I have no doubt that Margot would have eventually succumbed to the call of death, just like Diana, my first mate, did. 

I tried. I tried so hard after I marked Diana to be the man and mate she wanted. But the damage was done. I followed the laws and because I did, my mate chose to kill herself and our unborn child, rather than be with me. I spent years suffering from her loss, years believing that I would never get another chance at love or to have an opportunity to have an heir for my pack.

Then, I’d watched Hunter, my mate’s brother, in a court hearing ask his mate to submit to him. He didn’t demand it, he didn’t force her, he asked, and I’d watched as she had willingly submitted to him right there in front of a room full of Alphas. I have no doubt that Diana would never have had that level of trust and faith in me.

In that moment, something twisted inside me. Would Diana still be alive if I had merely asked her to submit to me? I have no idea. Sometimes, I think that Diana sent Margot to me, like she gave me a second chance mate so I could find happiness. But in order to have it, I’d have to work harder than I’ve ever worked for anything in my life, so that I would never, ever take my mate bond for granted again. If so, then Diana knew me better than I ever knew myself.

I was an arrogant Alpha once upon a time. I wasn’t cruel. I didn’t look down on she-wolves and definitely not my mate. But I was arrogant. Now I know that arrogance has no place in the mate bond. Your mate is your equal, or you are not true mates.

I watch the bile wash down the drain, then I rinse my mouth out and bathe. Today is going to be a hard day. I’m not sure I would be strong enough to get through it if I were Margot. But she is. I meant it when I told her she’s the strongest person I know. She has suffered so much in her short life, but she’s still here. She’s still fighting to prove how strong she is. And she’s still winning. Joshua is dead and she’s here, ready to give his pack to someone more deserving than he ever was.

I get dressed in the bathroom, knowing that nakedness isn’t something that Margot is okay with. However, when I step into the bedroom, I realize she’s waiting for me to eat.

“Margot?” I ask.

“You need to eat too, Ezra,” she says. She holds my gaze and I realize that, while she was dealing with her own demons, she didn’t miss the fact that I was dealing with mine. It’s yet another reason why I love this woman with everything in me. It doesn’t matter how overwhelmed she is, she still sees more than most people.

“You didn’t have to wait for me,” I say, sitting down across from her.

“The last time I didn’t wait for you, I think you ate one whole piece of bacon,” she scolds.

I smile. It’s good to hear her being sarcastic. It means the nightmare isn’t keeping hold of her.

“I like bacon,” I say, grabbing a piece and eating it while I grin at her.

“One piece isn’t going to fill that cavernous void that Thorin has inside your stomach,” she says, referencing my wolf.

He growls happily at her acknowledgement and her unspoken desire to take care of us. 

“There are many things that I would like to eat, but have yet to be offered to me,” he says before I can get control of him.  

I watch her cheeks turn pink.

“Sorry, Margot. I didn’t pull Thorin in fast enough,” I say.

Rather than change the subject, Margot surprises me by focusing her gaze on me.

“Thorin, you are a very naughty wolf, and naughty wolves do not get rewards. You would do well to remember that,” she scolds.

Surprisingly, my wolf looks and acts properly disciplined.

“Sorry, Luna.”

She looks at me a moment longer, before returning to her breakfast.

My wolf may not agree, but I take this as a win.