Chapter 1: Demons

Margot

“What kind of a fucking Luna can’t get pregnant with a pup? You have one fucking job and it’s to bear my heir. You are fucking worthless!”

He’s dragging me to hell. I try to fight, but I’m not strong enough.

“Please! Please don’t.”

I hate how small my voice sounds.

“You obviously didn’t learn your lesson last month. I get my heir, or you get the room,” he growls, before opening the door to the space that’s barely large enough for me to fit. Then he slams and locks the door, leaving me in the dark.

The walls feel like they’re closing in on me and I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

“Margot! Margot wake up! For fuck’s sake, Margot, WAKE UP!”

My eyes flash open and for a second, I’m completely confused about where I am. My breath is coming much too fast and the room is spinning around me.

“Finally!” Ezra says, his strong arms wrapping around me, holding me in the safety of his embrace and gently rocking me as the remnants of the nightmare slowly fade.

I cling to him, letting him hold me while the ghosts of my past battle to resurrect in my present.

“I’m right here. You’re safe. You’re in my arms. I will never let anyone hurt you,” Ezra says in my ear.

I nod. It’s all I can do for now and I know he knows it.

“I love you, Margot. I love you so much, my strong, stubborn, difficult mate,” he says, but his words are loving and kind, meant to help me pull myself out of the nightmare of my time with Joshua.

It’s been months since I’ve had a nightmare. Basically, since I started spending every night with Ezra, he’s kept my nightmares at bay. I know why they’re back now, though. I’m going to have to face my demons. I’m going to have to go back, back to the packhouse where I was tormented, back to the bedroom where I was forced into a space barely large enough for me to sit in. A place where I couldn't stand up straight, had pot for me to pee in, and if I sat down, there wasn’t enough room to stretch my legs. And there wasn’t a single window. It was dark; so, so dark.

I let him hold me. I let him banish the ghosts of my past. With Ezra, I know I don’t have to be strong. I know that he’d prefer that I not pretend to be strong when I’m not. He loves me for who I am. He knows a lot about the abuse I suffered at my first mate’s hands. He knows about the confinement and why I can’t stand to be in confined spaces now.

And because of that, he suggested that we go to my old packhouse early, so I can face my demons with just the two of us, rather than having to face them with hundreds of warriors who will be competing for the pack.

The thought of going back terrifies me, but I couldn’t bear it if I broke down in front of so many people. My mate, the man I have yet to accept, knows this about me. Maybe it’s because I wear his mark, that he knows me so well. He marked me to save my life when I killed my first mate, forcing me to live when I wanted to die. I understand that about him too. He lost his first mate to suicide. She not only took her own life, but that of their unborn child. In some ways, I understand her choice. Being claimed publicly is something you never get over. Every time some ranked member or pack member leers at you, it reminds you of the humiliation you were forced to endure.

But I also know that being mated to a man like Ezra is nothing like being mated to a man like Joshua. My pain and humiliation didn’t end after Joshua marked me. That night was just the beginning of my horror.

“There’s my girl,” Ezra murmurs in my ear, maintaining the soft, soothing voice that always makes me feel calm.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“Don’t. You know you never have to apologize to me,” he says, still rocking me. “Did I mention that I love you?” he asks. 

I smile. He tells me about a hundred times a day.

“No,” I say.

He huffs. “How foolish of me. I’ll do better in the future. I love you. I love you with all my heart, Margot. I love everything about you, my beautiful, amazing, strong mate.”

“I don’t feel strong,” I say softly.

“I know. But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met in my life.” 

I let him hold me, let him see the side of me that I refuse to let anyone else see. He never exploits it. He never shares my weakness with anyone else. He holds me while I fall apart. He stays strong for me, and then, when I’m feeling strong again, he backs away and gives me the space to be strong again.

Because of that, I cling to him until the last of the nightmare disappears, then I sit up. He lets me go, but he watches me, ready to jump back in if I need him.

“I hate feeling weak,” I say, not looking at him.

“You’re not weak. You’re stressed. It’s different and it’s why we’re going to your old pack early. I know that’s why your nightmares are back. You haven’t had them in months. If I could, I would do this for you, Margot.”

“I know.” I do know. I know that if he could slay my demons for me, he would. I know that if he could resurrect Joshua and kill him again, he would. I also know he wouldn’t make it quick or easy. He’d make Joshua suffer the way he’s watched me suffer.

“What can I do to make today easier for you?” he asks me.

I shake my head. There’s nothing he can do. My demons are mine to suffer through and, hopefully, someday slay. But since I know that he suffers, feeling useless when he has to stand by and watch me battle my demons, I throw him a bone.

“Just be there for me.”

“You know I will.”

I nod and get out of bed, heading to the bathroom. I turn the shower on to scalding hot, something I was never allowed when I was with Joshua, and when the steam is heavy in the bathroom, I step in, letting the heat of the water seep into my body and my bones, chasing away the last of the nightmare.

I stand in the shower and just let the water wash over me. I have to do this. Part of what we’re building with our allied packs is new beginnings for people who deserve to become Alphas and join our alliance. Joshua would have hated that, which makes me even more determined to make this happen.

There are two big contenders for the two packs that will be up for challenge in two weeks: my old pack with Joshua, and my parents’ previous pack. Both packs hold negative memories for me, but Joshua’s pack holds far worse memories.

Knowing that Beta Miles and Beta Dante are most likely going to win the competition makes me happy. Both are good men and while Dante hasn’t yet found his mate, Miles' mate, Jacqueline, is a wonderful woman, a powerful Beta and she’ll make an excellent Luna. There are others, of course, who might win, but I doubt it. Miles and Dante are the strongest of the Betas who haven’t yet won their own packs. They’re lucky Beta Cameron isn’t in the running for this competition. As an Alpha male, and now having found his mate, I’m guessing he’ll be the top contender when Zahn’s pack, the next pack up for competition, becomes available.

When I get out of the shower, I see that Ezra has quietly come in and left me some comfortable clothes to put on. Since it will just be the two of us traveling, there’s no need for me to look or act like a Luna. He’s obviously telling me that he wants me to be comfortable for what we have in store today.

I get dressed then walk out into our bedroom. I’m surprised when he’s not there, but then, he does have a pack that needs to be managed and he’s still without a Beta after losing Jake who won the first pack competition.

Ezra returns a few moments later with breakfast.

“Here. You eat. I’m going to go take a shower. Once you’re ready, we’ll go,” he says, kissing the side of my head after setting the tray of food on the coffee table in our room.

I turn and watch him as he grabs his clothes and walks into the bathroom.

‘He’s a good man,’ Reyna, my wolf, says softly.

She’s not wrong.