Part 1, Chapter 1 - Scars of Survival

Rhiannon

The rain beat down on my head as I walked home from school, soaking me to my core. I looked up at the cloudy skies and wondered why nature hated me so much. Then again, the day started horribly, so why not have a completely unexpected rainstorm for my walk home? It wouldn't be the first time that the weatherman was wrong, and it surely won't be the last. It must be nice having a job where you get paid to be wrong more than right.

As I was cursing at the fact that I didn't have a rain jacket, a car horn screamed from behind me. Even though I knew what was coming I didn't move quickly enough to get out of the way as the tan car sped by, driving through a large puddle and completely saturating me with dirty road water.

"Hey, A****n Queen! Drowned rat is so last season!" Laura Cole's highly annoying squeaky voice yelled from the passenger window while the car continued to drive away.

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as I flipped off the fading car with my right hand while I spun the ring I wore on my left ring finger with my thumb, a habit I picked up that helps to keep my emotions in check.

The ring was nothing special, just a plain silver thing that I had found years ago in the woods behind my grandma's house. It quickly became something that my fingers searched for whenever my temper and anxiety got the best of me.

Just a few more days .... a few more days of final exams and I'll be out of the hellmouth that's masquerading as a high school. A few more days and I'll be able to get away from all of this when I go stay with Gram for a week.

I used to love school, but then again I used to have friends, too. Everything changed from when I was in elementary school to when puberty hit me like a freight train. I became the tallest girl in school at a little over six foot tall, and my body filled out in all the right places. I tried to hide my curves the best that I could with baggy clothing, but that didn't stop the guys from starring and the girls from giving me dirty looks. As if their unwanted attention wasn't bad enough, I was the smartest one in my class. Yeah, I know, it all sounds like the perfect life, right? Not so much when you're in Redneckville, Pennsylvania. In my small rural school, athletics mattered more than anything, and if you didn't have anything to do with sports you were treated like a leper. My good grades didn't matter to anyone, not even the teachers. No one cared if the students were barely passing, all that mattered was that our sports teams excelled. And that left me at the bottom of the pecking order and opened the door for non-stop harassment ..... especially from girls like Laura Cole.

Laura and I are complete opposites. She's five foot nothing of picture-perfect beauty with black hair, hazel eyes, and naturally tanned skin. She just so happens to be the head cheerleader as well as the daughter of the vice principal, so she's pretty much treated like a Goddess.

A shiver ran through my body as I walked up the stairs of my mother's house, partially from being soaking wet, but mostly because I simply didn't want to be home. I exhaled as I turned the doorknob and pushed the door open, sliding Catherine's stuff out of the way as I walked into the old farmhouse.

Years ago my father, Matt, walked out on my mother, Catherine, and I. He left our little family for another woman, Becca. He discarded Catherine and I like we were trash, stopping any communication with me as soon as he found out Becca was pregnant with a boy. He always wanted a son, and now he had what he wanted. At first, I was crushed, but I quickly realized dwelling on it wouldn't change anything, it'd only weigh me down. Catherine, however, took his leaving pretty hard. Where I became cold and jaded, she became emotional and childlike. Our roles in life were reversed, and at a young age I not only had to start taking care my myself, but also doing all of the household and barn chores as well. I became nothing more than a live-in maid stuff Catherine. Cooking, cleaning, yard work, what maintenance I could ...... It all sounds simple enough, unless you're just a kid trying to figure things out without anyone actually teaching you. It's not like I could afford to hire someone, so I taught myself how to do what I could through trial and error. And let's not forget the reason why I had to slide stuff out of the way with the door ...... Catherine turned into a hoarder, of everything. From stuff that she'd get at the thrift store where her sister works, to animals, and everything in between. The animals can't take care of themselves, so guess who's responsible for 8 dogs and 5 horses? That's right, me.

It seems like it'd be so easy to tell her no, to run away and leave her to her own devices, but I just haven't found the strength to do so. As hard as it all might be, she's still my mother, and my memories of the good times we used to have dragged me down like cinder blocks.

I closed my eyes as I slid my soaking wet sneakers off of my feet before turning to walk upstairs to my room, thankful that Catherine and I lived on separate floors.

"Rhiannon, have you taken care of the horses yet?" Catherine's voice loudly asked from her bedroom.

I let out a sigh before I answered her, "Not yet, I got caught in that rainstorm and wanted to change my clothes first."

Without another word, Catherine came out of her bedroom, grabbed her purse, and left to go to work. I shook my head as I continued up the stairs, not because of her attitude, I was used to that, but because I simply didn't understand how we faced foreclosure multiple times and had utilities being shut off when she had a good-paying job.

I quickly changed my clothes and left to walk over to the neighbors where we kept the horses. As soon as I was on the front porch I saw that in the short time it took me to get changed it had stopped raining and the sun came out. I looked up at the sky as a gentle breeze blew a faint lavender and lemon balm scent towards me, "Seriously? You couldn't have done that an hour ago?"

It only took about 20 minutes to walk over the the Kurtz's. I took care of their chickens, beef cattle, and pigs before I set up the horses' feed in their stalls. Taking care of the Kurtz's livestock was something that Catherine agreed to do to keep the horses on their land. It didn't take long for it all to become my responsibility, but I didn't mind. Barn chores brought a little bit of peace to my life, plus if the Kurtz's had extra meat and eggs they happily shared with me. They really were kind people, and I couldn't help but be envious when they'd have their family get-togethers.

I walked over to the gate that was up between the pasture and the barn and leaned on it as I let out a few loud whistles. A single whinny echoed from the back of the pasture, bringing a smile to my face, and I closed my eyes as the sound of galloping hooves grew closer.

Warm air and whiskers danced across my arms, and I opened my eyes to see Dub, my handsome strawberry roan stallion. I opened the gate and each horse walked into their stall and stalled, putting their heads in the buckets of feed.

Once I got everyone's stall door shut I walked back over to Dub's stall and wrapped my arms around his withers, "Hey, big guy ..." I whispered as I hugged him tightly, inhaling his scent while I listened to him chew

Out of all the horses, Dub is the one that has my heart. He's the first horse that Catherine took in, and the only thing that's ever been consistent in my life. He's not only my sanity but my savior as well. Despite the fact that all of the animals Catherine gets become my responsibility, I am thankful for them, especially Dub.

After the horses were done eating I kissed Dub on his nose and inhaled his scent one more time before letting them back out into their pasture. I finished up my nightly barn chores and reluctantly made my way back home. I stopped at another neighbor's house where I do yard work and picked up the extra vegetables that they left out for me, along with my weekly payment.

After making myself a small dinner I went upstairs to take a shower. I stripped off my clothes and stood in front of the mirror, staring into the dark blue eyes of the pathetic individual standing before me. My blonde wavy hair was now frizzy, making me look like a poodle. I had dirt on my cheeks from hugging Dub. Then there were the scars on my arms ...... scars that I made on my own body to try to pull myself out of panic attacks, scars that I never realized I had made until after the fact, scars that I tried to hide from others the best that I could. They're not something I wanted attention for, but something I did when I was in a different state of mind and wanted to try to save myself from the horrible moments when I was filled with fear and a longing to escape this life ..... to escape this world.

Others in my life caused the scars on the inside, but I caused the ones on the outside, "Just a few more days. I just have to survive for a few more days ......"