Chapter Nine - With You I Felt Whole

On Monday, I was grateful to be back at work. I needed to focus on something, anything, that wasn't Alex or Paris. The weekend felt like an awful nightmare, with the disturbing realization that my mother's ex was the same woman who had taken a piece of me in Paris. And despite everything, I still felt something when my eyes landed on Alex, worse when she tried to touch me, which made me furious. I didn't want to feel anything for her. I just wanted to move on and live my life.

Finding out that Alex had ended a twelve-year relationship cut deeper. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had something to do with that. Or maybe the other girl she hooked up with after meeting me. Again, Alex had cried in Paris after we made love. You don't just cry after an orgasm unless something profound has happened. And then there was that text where she said she felt everything in Paris the same way I did. Did that mean something?

Today was raining, a true December downpour. Normally, I disliked the rain because it caused traffic jams and sometimes got me soaked. But today, I welcomed it. The sound of the rain on my car somehow helped me think more clearly.

My phone vibrated, and I quickly grabbed it, hoping for a response from Alex with a time and place to meet. But it wasn't Alex. It was Mpumi, asking how my weekend was and if we could meet. I was conflicted. I liked Mpumi, but it was nothing compared to what I felt for Alex. And now that Alex was here, I was even more confused. What did Alex want? More importantly, what did I want? I needed Alex's explanation to figure out my next steps. I had so many questions that only she could answer, and she wasn't responding quickly enough.

I arrived at work and tried to stay present in meetings. During lunch, Maxwell, a colleague and a friend at the office, approached me. "You okay?" he asked. "Usually, you have a lot to say in meetings, but today you were just there. Also, what happened to your hand?" He pointed at the little plaster on my hand.

"I hurt it on Saturday," I replied with a sigh. Then I looked him in the eye and said, "Paris is following me, Max."

Max looked confused, which made me laugh. I explained that I had a fling in Paris, and now that fling was here and was an ex of someone close to me. I didn't go into full detail or mention names.

"How did you manage to bring so much drama in two months into your life? You're the least dramatic person I know," Max said, laughing. At least he was having fun.

Just then, my phone vibrated again. It was the unknown number. My heart skipped a beat as I opened the message.

[phone]: "As soon as possible, I have wasted enough time. I want to see you. Pick a place that's comfortable for you."

I looked at the message, confused, then showed it to Max. "What the fuck do I do?" I asked.

Max looked at the message and then back at me. "Well, if you want my honest opinion, I think you should meet her. Hear her out. It sounds like you need some more drama in your life. This is exciting, please keep me up to date."

I pushed him off playfully while laughing and he laughed too. Then he rested his hand on my shoulder, "on a serious note, I think if Paris was just a fling. Then she would have never followed you here."

Another realisation hit me as I considered his words. He was right. If Paris really meant nothing, Alex wouldn't be here trying to talk to me. Oh God! What was happening? Did she leave her 12-year relationship because of me? No! That would be insane. We hardly even know each other. That would be crazy, right?

“Tell her to meet you at your place.” Max kicked me away from my thoughts.

 "Okay," I said, taking a deep breath. "I'll do it."

He patted my shoulder. "Good luck, Lizzy. God I should have gone to Paris, who knows I would have found me a Paris too."

I shook my head at his idiotic self before looking back at my phone, I saved her numbers and texted back,

Me: "Alright, let's meet tonight. Where should we go?"

Alex: "Can I come to your place?"

Immediately came the next message from Alex. I swallowed hard, trying to imagine Alex at my place. It didn't feel like a good idea to be alone with her in such a private setting. Despite my anger, every time our eyes met or she touched me, my resolve weakened. One moment, I wanted to scream at her; the next, I wanted to hold her. I was conflicted, but we needed to talk. Reluctantly, I agreed and sent her my address, telling her I'd be home around six, even though I planned to leave work early to clean up a bit.

I left work at three and drove home as fast as I could. The first thing I did was clean the place so Alex wouldn't think I was a slob. My nerves were in knots, and I made a sandwich, though I barely ate it. I noticed I hadn't responded to Mpumi yet. I sighed and sent her a message saying I was busy this week and would let her know when I had time. Normally, during busy times, I'd invite her over for pizza, so this sudden change might seem odd. But luckily, Mpumi didn't question it; she just said she hopes I was okay.

As the clock ticked past six, my nerves were fraying. I regretted agreeing to have Alex come here. A public place like a restaurant, with people around, would have been safer. I quickly texted my best friend.

Me: I've made the biggest mistake of my life...

Just then, the doorbell rang, and I wished the earth could open up and swallow me.

Taking a deep breath, looked at myself in the mirror and fixed my curls before looking at my floral dress. I looked good. I walked to the door and when I opened it, Alex was standing there, looking as beautiful as always. She had on simple jeans and a hoody, but still looked beautiful. The soft evening light framed her perfectly, highlighting her striking features and the elegant way she carried herself. I couldn't tear my eyes away even if I wanted to; I took Alex in and mentally agreed that for someone her age, she was incredibly attractive. I hadn't thought much about the age difference until remembering she dated my mom, but seeing her standing there, it seemed irrelevant.

The scent of blooming jasmine from the garden mixed with the faint aroma of Alex's perfume, creating an intoxicating blend that made my heart race.

"Hi," she said softly, her voice pulling me out of my reverie. I realized I had been staring, lost in my thoughts, and felt a blush creep up my cheeks. Her soft greeting was like a gentle nudge, reminding me of where I was and who was standing in front of me.

"Hi," I managed to respond, my voice betraying a hint of nervousness. I stepped aside to let her in, trying to steady my racing heart. I closed the door behind her, the sound feeling ominous in the quiet of my apartment.

"Thanks for agreeing to meet," Alex said, her voice tentative.

I nodded, trying to keep my emotions in check. "Let's sit," I suggested, leading her to the living room. We sat down, and an awkward silence settled between us. The rain outside had started again, adding to the tension, the rhythmic patter a stark contrast to the little storm brewing inside me.

"So," I began, taking a deep breath, "do you want anything to drink?"

I felt so nervous sitting here with Alex. Her scent, her sad or serious expression, just everything about her was overwhelming. I hated feeling sorry for her, especially when she had been in the wrong since we were in Paris. She smiled, though, and said, "There's a lot of things I want, some I'm probably not allowed."

I swallowed hard and got up to pour myself a glass of wine. I wasn't going anywhere tonight, so wine wouldn't hurt. I took a sip before coming back to join her. "You were engaged when you had sex with me in Paris," I said bluntly. It wasn't a question; it was a statement. Alex nodded slowly.

I rolled my eyes, a little part of me was wishing this was all a lie my mom blurted out in her drunken state, or even a dream. "How could you cheat on your fiancée and then leave me to deal with the guilt? Do you know how much that messed me up? How I thought I did something horrible to you or hurt you, or how I thought you hated the sex?"

Alex looked at me for a moment before laughing. She giggled the same way she did in Paris, and despite myself, I felt a warmth in my chest. I hated her laughter for making me feel this way.

"Sorry for laughing," Alex said, composing herself, "but how could you think that I hated what you did, that what you did to me was awful?"

I huffed. "Weren't you the one crying, Alex? And then you went cold on me. But since my mom told me what happened with you, I guess it all makes sense. You had sex with me, and cheated on your fiancée, then felt regret and cried. I am sure I wasn´t even the only person you slept with."

Alex looked at me, her gaze intense. I felt naked under her stare and shifted uncomfortably, taking another sip of wine.

She finally spoke, "I didn't cheat on my fiancée. We were in an open relationship. She did what she wanted as long as I knew about it, and I did the same.” She swallowed, “but the first day I met you, I didn't tell her. The first day we kissed, I didn't say anything to her because you occupied my mind like nothing ever had in my whole life. Those five days, I had the most awkward chats with her in the history of our sixteen years of knowing each other. I saw you every day after that first night, and I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I didn't know whether to talk to you or not because something felt different from all the other flings I had. My fiancée knew something was wrong, and so did I, because suddenly, I felt like I was cheating on her. Which was stupid because we were in an open relationship and I'd done this before. I mean, I kissed someone a week before I met you, but they never occupied my mind the way you did. Heck I kissed someone after you, trying to figure out what was it with you, and I forgot about them the second they were out of sight."

I sat there trying to wrap my head around everything she just said. An open relationship? So, she didn't cheat. But she felt like she was cheating with me. She was with someone else before me and after me? What was different with me? I wanted to ask but was scared. I could feel the walls I built crumbling as I listened to Alex explain what Paris did to her.

"When I finally decided to talk to you, my heart was so happy and felt so fulfilled," Alex continued. "You wanted to go up right away, but I had to control myself because I was scared of what would happen if we had sex. Then I later took you to my place, thinking I'd have control, but looking at you Elizabeth. I'd look into those eyes and get lost in a place I knew I shouldn't go. And my heart wanted it, it wanted you, and I couldn't deny myself. Then you looked at me, and everything I knew, the twelve-year relationship, came undone in that hotel. You opened something in me I never thought existed. That's why I cried. It was the only thing I could do because, right then, I knew exactly why I didn't tell my fiancée about you. I knew exactly why I tried to stop myself from seeing you that whole week. When you touched me and looked at me, I knew I should have stayed away."

I had no idea what to say. I was still processing everything she was saying.

"I had two more weeks in Paris," she continued, "but I knew I couldn't see you. I hoped whatever I felt would go away as soon as I put distance between us. But it didn't. The second you left, I regretted it. My heart asked for you every single day. I made sure to see you a bit before I went back to the U.S. I know this sounds creepy and makes me seem cruel because I could see the pain I caused you, but I thought I was doing what was right.”

Alex closed her eyes and sighed before saying, “When I got back home, I kissed my fiancée, and it was different. I kissed her, but all I could see and think about was you. I took her to bed, and all I could see was your face. I even said your name in bed. I initially didn't know I called your name but she asked me in the morning who Elizabeth was. That's when I knew I had to find you."

By now, I was crying. I wiped the tears from my cheeks, feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what to say. "Alex..." I started, my voice trembling. "Just stop please. This... Stop..."

As Alex explained everything, I had no idea how to feel or what to say. This was too much. I didn’t expect her to feel this way. I only wanted her to apologize and explain then leave, not for her to tell me that her twelve-year relationship was over because of me. I didn’t want to be responsible for that. It was so much pressure. So much pressure to think about this, to think about us. I mean, why would she come here if she didn’t want to be with me? And now I felt like I’d have to be with her and make it work because she left a twelve-year relationship for me.

Tears started streaming down my cheeks, and before I could fully register my emotions, Alex moved from the couch to sit next to me. She pulled me into a warm hug, her arms wrapping around me with a comforting strength. "Hey, don't cry," she murmured softly, her voice soothing and tender. "Please don't cry, Darling."

My heart skipped a beat, and I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Did Alex just call me Darling? Or was that a slip-up? My mind raced with questions, trying to understand what Alex was doing to me. The warmth of her embrace, the gentle way she held me, made everything feel more intense.

Could I survive this? Being so close to her yet wanting her far away to protect my own heart? The conflicting emotions were almost too much to bear.

"Please don't cry."

“How should I not cry when I broke a twelve-year relationship?” I asked between sobs.

Alex sighed and just held me closer. I wiped my tears and pulled away. “This is too much. You just telling me this is so much pressure on me. I’m twenty-nine fucking years old, for fuck's sake, and you’re what? Fifty? And you’re telling me you broke a relationship that long for me. This is just too much to take in right now. And for the first time, I wish that sex was horrible, because I could deal with me being bad at sex than you leaving a twelve-year relationship for me.”

Alex shook her head, wanting to explain. “That’s not what I’m saying,” she began, but she could see I was confused and overwhelmed.

I got up and went to open the window, needing the fresh air. When I came back, Alex was standing. “You didn’t break my relationship; I did. I did because I noticed that I agreed to be in an open relationship because something was missing. When I found you, I didn’t feel anything missing, suddenly all that space was filled. I felt like I had all the pieces I needed, I felt whole.”

“So, what?” I asked, still sniffling. “What should I do with that? Be with you because you are here? Who knows if you won’t want an open relationship once you find out how boring and less dramatic I am?”

Alex sighed, explaining that she was here to tell me this so I would stop doubting myself, so I would know she felt the same way. But maybe the way she worded things was wrong, and she apologized. I didn’t know what to say. This was now complicated for me.

“What do you want, Alex? What do you want from me?” I demanded.

She walked straight to me, standing in front of me with her eyes locked on mine. “I want you, Darling. I want to get lost in your eyes again as we talk about nothing. I want to make you laugh, I want to take night walks with you in Italy this time around, I want you to kiss my forehead again before you leave me in bed, but this time come back later to tell me how your day went. Heck, I want to take you out on a Motorbike Ride, I want to get to know you better and lastly, I want you to know that with me, you’ll never, ever be stood up by anyone again.”

My heart skipped with happiness, but my head remained sceptical. I said the only thing that neither of us had really considered, “My mom is your ex, I just found out. How the hell do you plan on making this work when you dated my mom before?" I was trying to direct this away from me. My head was starting to feel hot. Maybe if she had told me this in Paris, it would be different.

The weight of it all pressed down on me, the responsibility for the breakup, the pressure to be with Alex, the confusion about my own feelings. And her being my mother's ex. I couldn’t handle all this. It was just a lot to take in.

Before she could say something, I sighed. I heard enough for a day, “look, this is too much, I need you to leave, Alex,” I said, my voice barely a whisper, she looked at me without saying anything, so I continued, “please, my head just can't take anything right now, like..."

Alex looked pained but nodded, making me thankful that she wasn't fighting me on this. She walked slowly to the door, stopping before she left. “Forty-eight,” she said, turning back to me.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“I’m forty-eight years old, Elizabeth,” she said, her eyes serious. “Paris is not something we can both brush under the carpet, that's why I'm here, because I failed trying not to think about it, about you. I want you to know that.”

With that, she opened the door and walked out, leaving me standing there, my mind a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. I felt the full weight of her words, the sincerity and determination behind them. But even as I stood there, I couldn't shake the feeling of responsibility and the pressure of the situation. I needed time to process, to understand what I truly wanted amidst the chaos Alex had brought back into my life.