This One Will Be Different

I tugged down on the dress for the fifth time as I got ready to leave, even though I knew it was pointless. The problem wasn't the dress, it was me. Four years ago, before the countless injections, I could wrap both hands around my waist, but now I couldn't recognize myself. 

Now it felt like that person I was four years ago was a dream, like she never existed, because I found no trace of her anytime I managed to look in the mirror. That me four years never treated clothes like they were her enemies. She never only shopped for big clothes that would cover her body and hide her stomach. 

I looked down at the said stomach, and the familiar disgust crept in.

A round stomach that was impossible to ignore. Soft folds that always make themselves known. Thighs that rubbed together, no matter how I walked. 

My weight was something I could never run away from. 

I angrily picked up my coat as I made to leave, putting it on even though the sun was harsh outside. Even though I was already wearing a big gown, I needed the coat for coverage. 

I left my room and passed through the living room, so close to the door, when a voice I would rather not hear stopped me. 

“Going to the doctor’s, I see.”

I paused, putting on my best smile even though I knew it looked wrong, and turned to my mother-in-law. “Yes, ma’am.”

She was seated, legs crossed, with a glass of wine in her hand. “Hmm.” Her eyes trailed over me, assessing like she always did, and I tried hard not to fidget. “Why bother when you know the end result?”

I flinched, my hand unconsciously moving to my stomach. Her words stung and buried themselves into my flesh, but I refuse to let them discourage me. I refuse. Because I can't… I can't do that again. I can't go through that punishment again, even though a huge part of me knows that’s what is going to happen. 

“P-please don’t say that,” I said softly, hating how my voice shook or how a tear slipped through my eye. “Please. This… this one will be fine. Th-this one will be different.”

“Oh?” she said as she uncrossed her leg slowly and stood up. “And tell me, Kaidora, how will it be so different from all the others?” She walked to me slowly, and I fought the urge to shriek away from her. My shoulders curled inwards automatically, my eyes dropping to my feet. I raised my hand to my mouth, but stopped myself. She didn't like it when I bit my fingers. 

“I-I just believe it will be,” I answered.

She stopped in front of me, folding her arms. “You’re too old to be delusional, Kiadora. Face your reality as it is.”

“I’m not being delusional!” I yelled, closing my eyes. “I know this time–” My words ended in a gasp as I felt her grab my hair, and I opened my eyes to see her face so close to mine.

“Don’t you ever raise your voice at me,” she hissed, her eyes hard. “Have you forgotten your place?”

I shook my head. “N-no. I'm sorry.”

“Remember that you’re only still here because my son allows you, else you’ll be on the street by now. You have no use for us. The one thing we ask for, you can't even give us!” She let go of my hair, and I staggered back, my scalp burning. “Get out of my sight.”

I rushed out of the house, my eyes burning. When I got to my car, I sat still with my head on the steering wheel, blinking back tears. I was tired of this. So tired, and for once, I just needed things to be easy for me. I just needed this one to stay. 

I didn't need a boy. 

I didn't need an alpha heir. 

I didn't need perfection. 

I just needed one baby to stay. Just one.

Was that asking for too much?  

~.~

I sat in the doctor’s office with my hands folded and clammy from sweat. My heart was racing so fast, I felt like I was going to throw up. Finally, the doctor got into the office, and I shot out of my seat. “How is it?”

She gave me a small smile, and I felt myself relax a bit. “It’s growing nicely. Everything looks perfect.”

She went on to give me the details, but I was barely listening; all I could hear in my head was, “Will this one stay? Will it be like the rest?”

I left the office, debating if I should tell Skylar the good news, but I couldn't bring myself to face him and his cold eyes. So I went home.

That night, I came down for a drink when I overheard a conversation Cassandra–my mother-in-law–was having on her phone. I paused at the top of the staircase, straining to hear. Usually, I would turn around and leave to avoid her, but my legs were glued to the floor because I heard Skylar’s voice on the other end since the phone was on speakerphone. 

“Not coming back tonight again, I see?” she asked him, and he hummed. “I don’t blame you. If I had… that waiting for me every day, I would leave the country.” She chuckled, but Skylar was silent on the other end. A pang went through my chest when I realized I was “that.”

And how could I blame him? I couldn't stand to look at myself, so how could he stand me? If I hated my body, how could I expect someone else to love it? 

“So where are you, then?”

“At my apartment,” he answered, his voice cool.

“Alone?”

Every cell in my body froze as I waited for his answer. 

He scoffed. “Of course not.”

Cassandra laughed like he just told her something delightful, while to me, it felt like someone had set fire to my world. 

Of course not.

Like it was absurd to think he would alone, not cheating on his wife. 

“Who’s the beauty this time?”

This time? How many times has it been?

“Cyanthia.”

“Oh, your secretary?”

I didn't hear anything after that. I raced back to my room and threw on whatever I touched, picking up my car keys. I left the house through the back door, my heart pounding in my chest, my eyes burning as I drove to his apartment. 

Why was it so painful? It’s not like this happened suddenly, so why did it hurt so goddamn much? I’ve seen the signs. I’ve seen how the way he looks at me changed, and yet the pain was unbearable.

Maybe because out of countless suitors that asked for my hand, I chose him. Maybe because at the beginning, he was sweet, soft, and caring. Maybe I was still hoping that part of him was still alive. Maybe because I just needed my husband when life was unbearable. 

I got to his apartment and jumped out of my car without bothering to turn off the engine or shut the door. I raced to the door, inputting the code, and as soon as I stepped in, I heard their moans.