Chapter 10 - Something new

Golden

I’m sitting with Cole and his friends at a park; we’re just lying around doing nothing really. Everyone is listening to one of Cole’s stories.  He’s the center of attention, where he likes to be. Everyone is so engrossed in whatever he’s saying not really contributing anything. I have nothing against him being in the center, it’s just that it’s gotten so old. This is all we do, sit and listen.

I tune out thinking about where I really want to be. It’s been about a month since I spent time with Leo and his crew. I wish we could hang out with his siblings and Zach again. Mina and Jon are barely old enough to spell their names but they have more fun than this lot. There really is magic in being a child, maybe that’s why I’m drawn to Zach. He has this fun free spirited, child like quality about him. He doesn’t mind being dumb.

 Why do I want to spend time with Leo? He seems so mature. I like he doesn’t feel the need to speak just because. He’s comfortable with silence; we live in a world where everyone wants to say something. I find the fact that he listens before he answers very refreshing.

Having said that, Leo and I haven’t talked since that day at the Dam. We see each other at school but we never talk. I want to step up to him and say something but I’m scared, what if he doesn’t want to talk to me. What if he was just being nice to me the day because Zach invited me?

I wake up each morning with a plan to say something to him but I always chicken out every time I see him.

 I wish I was as friendly with him as I am with Zach. Zach and I even text; we’ve hung out together a couple of times on my self-care Sundays. I had hoped that Leo would come along with Zach on one of the days but he never did. I’m not brave enough to ask Zach why Leo never comes to hang out; I don’t want him to think I only hang out with him because I want to get closer to his friend.

I enjoy spending time with Zach, we have a great vibe. It would be even more fun to hang out with Leo too.

 I wish Cole was more open to doing more fun stuff so that I don’t wish to spend time with other people.  I can’t remember the last time Cole and I actually goofed around together. I don’t know if we ever have. All we really do is lie around looking pretty, pretending to have better things to do when we actually never do .anything

We do the same thing every time we get together. Cole picks up all his best mates in his car and then they come to my house. From there we all drive around town for a bit, then we come here to the park where we spend hours just sitting around talking about the same thing we’ve talked about last week.

I’ve tried to get him to do things I like doing, like going places and seeing new things but he’s so resistant. H only wants to do the same things every time.  It’s not fun anymore.

This is part of the reason I started my self-care  Sundays, So I can get away from all of this.

I don’t know lately this life I’ve been living has become less and less appealing to me. I don’t know if I’m out growing Cole or I just need a break from him. A part of me feels like I’m being too judgmental but I have a feeling in my gut. I’m not happy or even enjoying myself with him anymore. At least not the way I used to.

 Am I tripping? I wish I could talk to someone about this. But who?

“Hey, you alright?” Cole asks when he hears me sigh.

“I’m good.” I say smiling at him.

“You seem distracted.” He says moving closer to me. He places his hand on my leg and I wait to feel that same excitement I’ve felt each time he touched me. and…. Nothing.

“I’m just a little tired.” I say telling him half the truth.

“Oh that’s too bad. Do you want to leave these dudes and go to my house?” He asks smiling. He’s using this opportunity to get me to go to his house. He’s been trying to get me to go there for the past year. I don’t want to go to, I feel like he has certain expectations about me being there. Expectations he’s voiced jokingly.

We’ve been dating for the past 3 years and in that time I’ve been to his house three times. And that’s when we were younger. I haven’t been back there recently.

“No I would rather go home.” I say picking up my stuff, the group we’re with falls silent. I know he told them about how I refuse to go to his house. So they’re watching to see how this will play out. Rather than give them the front row seat, I get up and start walking toward the park exit.

“Golden” Cole says calling out my name behind me. I don’t stop walking when he calls me. He calls my name again and comes running after me.

I stop at the entrance pull out my phone and request an Uber.

“What the hell is going on with you lately? You’re acting like someone completely different. What the hell?” He asks standing in front of me, Cole and I are the same height so he’s looking me directly in my eyes.

I look at my phone; my ride is a minute away.  A minute too long if I’m honest, I need to get out of here.

“Golden, I’m talking to you.” He says covering my phone screen with his hand. I move the phone away from his hand and take a deep breath.

“Maybe I’m tired of the same things. I want something new.” I tell him pointing in the direction of his friends. He frowns and looks at me like I’m speaking in a foreign language.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He yells at me and I take a step back from him surprised.

I see my Uber stop next to us. I walk away from him and go to my ride.

“You’re tripping.” I hear him say when I get into the car.  

Leo

“Hey that’s Golden.” Mina says pointing at the glass window behind us. I turn and see golden walking across the parking lot to the ice cream shop the kids and I are in. I watch her walk in through the door and she immediately looss up at the menu.

“We should say hi” Jon says looking at me excitedly.

“No we should not.” I say praying they listen to me.

“Why not?” Mina asks looking at me for an explanation.

“Because she probably doesn’t want to be bothered.” I say my heart beating fast. They’re both look at me askance not really satisfied with my explanation.

Jon and Mina stare at Golden waiting to see what happens. I can tell they really want to call out her name but they don’t. They just wait for the scene to play out.

Then Golden chooses that moment to turn and looks at our general direction. Mina raises her hand and waves at her so she notices us. Golden smiles when she sees us. I smile too because it would be weird if I didn’t, I think. She waves back at Mina and moves up to the counter. She buys her Ice cream. Then she makes her way to our table.

I watch her walking to us and I try my hardest to calm my heart but it doesn’t work.

“Hey guys.” She says and sits down opposite me.

“Hi” I say and the kids greet her too.

“How are you? It’s so good to see you guys.” She says looking at the kids.

“We’re fine.” Jon says a full cheesy smile on his face.

“Great! So you guys are having an ice cream date without me? I’m hurt!” she says looking at me and putting her hand to her heart.

“I would have invited you but my brother said you don’t want to be bothered.” Mina says a full look of disappointment directed at me.

“Oh really?” Golden says her and Mina ganging up on me.

“That’s because I know you have other friends you spend most of your time with. So I didn’t want to take you away from that.” I say smiling so that my message is received well. She has a very vocal, territorial boyfriend and I don’t want to be in the middle of all of that.

“Fair enough. But I should say I would have appreciated an invite.” She says smiling too. I nod not really knowing what to say to that.

“I want to go and play.” Jon says already getting out of his chair. Mina gets off her chair following behind.

“Please stay in the play area where I can see you” I say firmly so they know I’m serious. I watch them walk the play area and look at them play for a minute. When I look back at Golden she’s staring at me.

“You’re so good with them.” She says and she has this dreamy look on her face. I don’t know how to feel about her looking at me like that. I’m not the guy she looks at like that. I lean back in my chair trying to create some space between us, this feels too comfortable. And too familiar, like we’ve done this before.

“I don’t really have a choice.” I say and she smiles.

“Because you’re a very good brother?” She says leaning forward, coming closer to me.

“No , because  our mother left us and there’s no one else to do it. If I don’t take care of them who will?” I say blurting it out. I wait to see her reaction, I want to see her change her mind about me. I want to see whatever grand ideas she had about me a minute ago disappear from her mind. I’m not some knight in shining armor; I’m a young boy with too many responsibilities. I want her to see my fucked up life and run.

I hold my breath waiting for her to have a look of disgust or even fear on her face.

But it doesn’t happen.

“Wow, I can’t say I can begin to know what that means for you and your siblings but I think it’s amazing how you’re raising them. They’re amazing.”  She says after a moment’s pause.

I sit there amazed; what’s her deal? What game is she playing? I don’t know what to do with that reaction. I’m always prepared for the shock or hysteria. I would have been good with pity as well; I don’t know what to do with understanding. Not from her.

“Thanks.”  The only thing I can say.