This Life, I Sever All Ties With You

My homeroom teacher, Zachary Allen, startled me out of my daze when he shouted, "Alfred Grant! Have you filled in your university application form yet? You're the only one who hasn't applied yet!"

I looked down at the blank application form on my table, my fingers trembling against my will.

Instead of the cold, mechanical hum of a cardiac monitor, cicadas were chirping outside the window. Sunlight streamed through the window pane onto the form, making my eyes burn from the glare.

I'd been reborn.

I was back in the year 1977, on the last day for submitting our university application forms.

In my past life, it was in this very classroom that I decided to apply to Northall University's physics department instead of the National University of Defensive Technology as I originally intended.

I did it to pursue my crush, Susan Lane, simply because she once mentioned wanting to see the snow at Null Lake.

So, like an idiot, I treated her dreams as my own and her wishes as royal decrees.

In the end, one outburst from her father, Henry Lane, completely invalidated all my efforts.

His arrogant voice seemed to ring in my ears once more.

"Alfred Grant, you're just some poor kid from the countryside! What gives you the right to pursue my daughter? Susan's going to further her studies abroad! Don't you dare get in the way of her future!"

I had assumed that Susan would at least attempt to speak up for me, but instead, she remained unfazed and even nodded in agreement.

"Dad's not wrong, you know? Besides, you were the one who voluntarily chose to apply for Northall. I didn't force you into it. I only mentioned Null Lake to you that one time. Who would've thought you'd actually follow me all the way to Northall because of that? Why don't you start over and aim for a university you actually want to study at?"

I couldn't believe that this speech had come from Susan.

No matter how wilful she used to be, she'd never said something this hurtful before.

It was only later that I found out she and Wilson Shaw had already begun to develop feelings for each other through their daily interactions.

Wilson was a talented young man whom Henry introduced to her. Above all, the two of them were a good match in terms of social and economic standing.

Susan had initially been strongly opposed to him, but before long, she could hardly go a day without bringing him up.

Years later, she forced herself to marry me, fearing that the situation would tarnish Wilson's reputation.

Absurdly enough, I simply assumed that our years' worth of affection for each other had finally borne fruit.

I felt ridiculous thinking back on it now.

My deskmate, Charles Jackson, nudged me with his elbow.

"Hey, Alfred! Stop spacing out! Susan's been waiting outside for ages," he said chidingly.

I raised my head to look out the window.

Susan, who was wearing a pale blue dress, was looking at me with her head tilted.

Sunlight filtered through her long black hair, casting golden flecks across her shoulders. She looked just as she had in my memories of the days when she loved me most.

If I were still the person I'd been in my past life, I would've dropped everything and rushed out to meet her the moment I saw her.

But this time, I merely looked away calmly and neatly wrote some words in the first column of the application form.

"Missile Engineering Department of the National University of Defensive Technology."

"Oh shit! Didn't you say that you were going to apply to Northall University with Susan? Why have you suddenly pivoted to the National University of Defensive Technology?" Charles exclaimed, his eyes wide.

I ignored him in favor of continuing to fill in the application form.

My hands were astoundingly steady, and I wrote with considerable force, as if I was rewriting the very course of my life with every stroke.

Susan's voice rang out from the doorway, carrying a hint of playful reproach. "Alfred Grant! I'm leaving you behind if you don't come out now!"

The classroom was immediately filled with the sound of jeering.

Everyone knew I'd been pursuing Susan for a long time and was finally on the verge of winning her over. Naturally, they were all eager to watch the drama unfold.

I used to bask in moments like these, because I felt blessed to have it be common knowledge that the person I liked and I were an item.

But now, I simply found it irritating.

Without even bothering to look up, I replied, "Go on ahead. I still have something to handle."

The jeers and catcalls immediately died out.

Susan stood frozen in the doorway, her smile growing stiff.

She walked in and asked in a barely audible voice, "What… What's up with you?"

I finally looked up at her.

At 18, Susan had eyes that sparkled like diamonds and dimples on either side of her smile.

I capped my pen, shook my head, and replied, "It's nothing. I've just changed my mind about applying to Northall University."

"What? We agreed to apply to Northall together!" she exclaimed.

"You brought it up, but I never agreed," I stated plainly.

Susan paled in an instant.

She snatched up my application form. Upon seeing what was written on it, her fingers started trembling.

"The National University of Defensive Technology… Have you gone mad? It's so far away, and it's a military academy!" she cried out.

I took the application form back from her.

"I know. It's precisely where I want to go."

The classroom was eerily quiet.

Everyone was staring at us, and even Mr. Allen had forgotten to press me to hand in my application form.

Susan's eyes quickly reddened, tears welling up and glistening in them.

She asked in a choked voice, "Why? Didn't we have an agreement?"

I realized that, even though Wilson had already entered Susan's life, she was still in love with me at this point.

Perhaps I was being unfair to her, but I no longer had the courage or strength to go through a process of trial and error in this second life. I didn't want to bet my dreams on an outcome that might not turn out satisfactory.

I sighed and replied impassively, "Susan, you have your dreams, and I have mine. Northall University may suit you, but it doesn't suit me."

"You're lying! You clearly promised me that you'd always stay by my side! You promised me that we'd see the snow at Null Lake together!" Susan yelled.

I suddenly recalled that back when Susan and I were together in my past life, she once told me earnestly and joyfully that she'd always love me and only me.

Yet, in the end, she'd still given her heart to someone else.

If an offhand remark like that counted as a promise, then Susan honestly owed me far too many lifetimes' worth of broken promises.

I gazed expressionlessly at her and said, "I said all that as a child, so it doesn't count. We should both be responsible for our own futures."

Susan's tears finally started falling.

As I walked out of the classroom, I heard her shout from behind me, "Alfred Grant! You'll regret this!"

I didn't look back.

Regret? Certainly, my past life was filled with regrets.

I regretted giving up on the military academy for her sake, and I regretted transferring back to Northall from the military because she asked.

In the end, all I could do was work a desk job while my comrades-in-arms went on to make names for themselves.

Moreover, the person I loved steadfastly eventually took advantage of my critically ill condition to turn to someone else.

Since the heavens had seen fit to give me a second chance at life, I definitely wasn't going to do something I would regret again.

In the Student Affairs Department's office, Mr. Allen took my application form from me and pushed up his glasses.

He asked, "Have you thought things through? The National University of Defensive Technology is no joke. Their courses are brutal."

I nodded and replied, "I have. That's where I'm meant to go."

Mr. Allen sighed. "What about you and Susan?"

"It doesn't matter, nor will it."

When I walked out of the office, Susan was surprisingly still waiting for me in the corridor.

Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, but she stubbornly held her head high.

"I'll ask you one last time. Are you really going to abandon me for a remote place like that?"

Sunlight shone from behind her, bathing her in a golden glow.

I abruptly recalled how she'd happily discussed the arrangements for her wedding to Wilson just before I died.

I had late-stage lung cancer back then, so there had been all sorts of tubes feeding into and out of my body.

She ignored my pained wheezes in favor of her anticipation for her future with someone else.

"Alfred Grant! Say something!"

Susan's yells dragged me back to reality.

As I gazed at her youthful and attractive face, I was suddenly overcome with sadness.

We were never meant to be together.

In my past life, I fought to establish a place for myself in her world, only to end up losing everything.

With my eyes still on her, I said quietly, "Susan, I'm not abandoning you. We just weren't meant to be in the first place. We were never dating anyway. If we distance ourselves from each other for some time, things will blow over quietly, and everyone will soon forget there was ever anything between us.

"Let's leave things at that. From now on, don't approach me without reason anymore."

Susan stood rooted to the spot, looking thunderstruck.

I moved around her and strode toward the stairs.

"Alfred… Mark my words! You'll come begging for my forgiveness!" she yelled after me.

I ignored her.

Sunlight shone down on the carbon copy of the application form in my hands, illuminating the words "National University of Defensive Technology".

In this new life, I was finally making a decision for my own sake.