Chapter 5

Chapter 5

ELENA

The nurse appeared at my elbow.

"Do you have someone to take you home?" she asked.

"Yes," I said.

I did not.

I picked up my bag carefully and walked out.

The taxi ride home was longer than the one to the hospital.

I sat with my bandaged hand in my lap and watched the cars go by me, as I tried to identify the feeling that I was experiencing, it was not anger or sadness per day, but something more quieter than that, disappointment.

He had gone to her.

I had asked him not to, but then he had gone. To a hand that the nurse had already said was fine.

He had gone.

I leaned my head against the cool glass of the window and thought about what that meant, and I remember his words from before.

There will be no children in this marriage, Elena.

He had said it so simply. Like it was a business clause. Like I had asked about a policy and he had quoted me the company line.

I used to tell myself that was just how Adrian communicated.

But sitting in that hospital watching him bend over Vivian's hand with more tenderness than he had ever once turned toward me, I thought something I had been avoiding for a long time.

Maybe he simply didn't want children with me.

Maybe it was not about children at all. Maybe it was about who I was to him and who she was to him and how those had never been the same thing, no matter how hard I tried to make it otherwise.

I pressed my bandaged hand gently against my stomach.

I wanted a child. I had always wanted one. A family, a home, a person who would not leave. I had wanted that since I was small. If Adrian would not give me that, then perhaps it was time to stop waiting for him to want to.

Perhaps it was time to be the one who ended it.

---

A month passed.

Adrian came home less. When he did, he was quiet, distracted. Present but his mind was elsewhere. I stopped waiting up. I stopped leaving his dinners in the warmer. Little wins, I said to myself.

I found out on a Tuesday morning.

The test sat on the bathroom counter and I stared at it for a long time, unable to believe my eyes, I have been feeling nauseous for some time, unable to keep down food and I had doubts but wanted to rule out the major one, but turned out that it was real.

I was pregnant.

That particular night, a month ago, I had been off the pill and he had come to seek me out, that resulted into this pregnancy, something that I had been careful about for the past three years.

I had to tell him. Whatever else was happening between us, I had to tell him.

That evening he told me we were going to his mother's house for dinner.

---

I knew Vivian would be there before I even walked through the door. I am not sure how I knew. But I had a feeling she was there because she was not the kind of person to stay away from a stage where she could shine, as usual,

She was there. Standing near the fireplace in a dress the color of dark wine, laughing at something Adrian's mother was saying. Adrian's mother, who never accepted me as her daughter in law, was laughing back.

She did not look at me when I walked in, like I was not worthy enough to be acknowledged. I pretended not to notice and went to the dining hall.

Dinner was formal and tense, I tried to focus on eating a little bit to fill my stomach up and leave before my next bout of nausea while their conversation flew by my head.

Adrian mentioned the debut. Vivian's small-scale tour, first performances, the business side of things finally beginning to settle into something solid. He said it had gone well. He said the foundation was in place now.

I set down my fork. He had been with her constantly for a month. I had known it was work. I had told myself every day that I knew it was work. But listening to him, talk about the attention he had paid to her and not to me was really starting to hurt.

Two bites into the next course my stomach turned over without warning. I pressed my lips together hard.

"Elena." Adrian's mother's voice, sharp and observant. "You look pale. Are you feeling unwell?"

"I'm fine," I said. "The food is—"

"Are you pregnant?"

The table went quiet.

My mouth opened. I could feel Vivian's gaze from across the table, still and attentive.

"That is not possible," Adrian said.

He said it simply. Automatically. Without looking at me first.

"We have always been careful," he continued, his voice even. "It is not something we need to consider."

He said it bluntly and harshly, shutting down any hopes of it, as I watched Vivian's mouth turn up in a pleased smirk.

I picked up my glass and drank slowly and kept my face very still.

Back at home that night, I sat in the bedroom, thinking about Adrian's words very and over as I thought about my options, Adrian did not want children with me, he will force me for an abortion once he finds out.

There was nothing left in this marriage to hold onto

I was going to ask him for a divorce. I was going to be the one to say it first, cut him loose and clean and leave immediately.

He came in behind me and I heard him set his watch on the dresser, the small familiar sound of it, and I took a breath.

"Elena."

I looked up.

He was standing with his back to the dresser, his jacket gone, his sleeves rolled to the elbows. He looked tired. He also looked like a man who had made a decision.

"I think we should talk about ending the marriage," he said. "Formally. The contract terms are clear. I would like to begin the process."