Unapologetically Me

"Boom! Gotcha!" I snickered as I set the game controller on the beige carpet in front of me. James groaned and wiped his hand over his face, grinning. "How are you so good at this?""My dad and I play all the time." I shrugged and straightened my legs out in front of me, careful not to let my skirt ride up. "That's just luck. She couldn't beat me one on one if she tried," Michael commented from the gaming chair next to me. "Dude, I beat you all the time. If she beat me, that means she can beat you." Michael curled his lips and shook his head."She must be cheating. What other games can you play?""I'm good at Mortal Kombat.""Shut up." Michael nodded at James and he quickly switched the game over. I rolled my eyes and took a sip of my drink right next to me. Michael flicked his lighter and lit the blunt we were working on and passed it to me after he took a hit.I took a small hit and coughed, not used to it. Both of the boys grinned and I rolled my eyes. I passed it to James as he

The water streaming down onto my body began to get cold. I decided a shower was needed to decompress everything that had happened in the last twelve hours. It didn't feel real. None of it felt real. I couldn't believe my dad had died. I couldn't believe that I was off having sex with a guy I barely knew while my dad was dying. It felt surreal to me that this was how I was going to remember losing my virginity.I ducked my head and let the water run over my back. I took a few steadying breaths and turned the water off. I didn't know how long I took in the bathroom. I just knew that I didn't know what else to do. My mom could be heard from down the hallway, moaning in pain and it struck me so deeply I couldn't concentrate on anything else.I had tried to sleep but it was pointless. My brain wasn't letting me. I just replayed the night's events over and over in my head. And I felt so much f*cking guilt over it, because my mind was divided between two events. The sex and my dad's death. I

The next couple of days passed in a blur. It felt as if I was wading through quick sand. Being around my extended family was usually a real good time, but not now. I felt like I didn't have any time to myself. My uncle was a mild mannered man. He was the complete opposite of my dad. My dad had been fun and energetic and always cracking jokes and playing pranks. Being around my uncle and his family was suffocating.My cousin had a boat load of kids in between his first and second wife and they were both here with him. His first wife, Kathy, had her husband here and their four kids. Two of which were my cousin Justin's. My cousin Justin and his second wife, Stacy, had one of their own. Three of the kids were about five years old and the younger two were two and three. The house felt like it was in constant chaos with as much noise as there was.Justin's sister, Lacey, had two kids of her own as well and they were about to show up for the first viewing service.I hadn't seen my dad yet.

James I hated wearing anything with a collar. I felt like a stuffed sausage, all tight and uncomfortable. But I needed to do it for Kelly. She hadn't asked me to come to the funeral, but I knew it was going to be a pretty bad day and if I could cheer her up, then why not? Admitting to her that she was all I could think about was risky, but knowing that she felt the same had felt like I won the lottery. The only thing that was bothering me was that Michael didn't know. Michael and I had been best friends since I moved to Vegas when I was seven. We told each other everything even if it was disgusting or private. It had always been why we worked out so well as friends. There were never any secrets. Except, now, the one I was keeping from him so that I didn't hurt him. "Dude, chill. You look fine. Stop pulling on the damn tie. It took me forever to copy it from YouTube." Micha

James I watched her eat her sandwich quietly and wondered if she knew that I was just as selfish as Dexter. Only my selfishness was just seeing her. I tried not to dwell on it, but I knew that I needed to tell her the truth. " I wouldn't thank me, Kelly. I haven't really done anything I didn't want to do, you know? Like...I wanted to see you, so I went to see you, even if it meant being at your dad's wake or his funeral." She smiled and shrugged. "I know. But the point is that you subjected yourself to all of these boring events just to see me. It means a lot." "It's just me being selfish." "Well then I'm selfish too because I wanted you to be there even though I should have been concerned about the funeral stuff." "Yeah that is pretty selfish. I should probably ask you to leave." I watched her face and she busted out laughing. "Alright, smart a*s." She took a bite of her food an